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I was buzzing around the house the other day and NPR was on in the background as usual. It was my favorite show, Talk of the Nation, but, distracted by my chores, I was only vaguely aware that the topic was how participating in military service can change lives. A part of my mind, though, heard Neal Conan’s pleasant voice say, “And joining us now from his home in St. Petersburg, Florida, Michael Jernigan. He served in Iraq from 2002 to 2005 as a Marine corporal. He was hit by a roadside bomb and suffered extensive injuries, including the loss of both eyes.”

I stopped mid-task. Wait a minute. Did he say “the loss of both eyes”? Not “he was blinded” or “he lost the vision in his eyes” . . . but the loss of both eyes?

I listened carefully to the rest of the Talk of the Nation segment and then went to the internet to find out more about Michael Jernigan. Yes, he did indeed lose both eyes. To a roadside bomb that severed a major artery in his leg and crushed his forehead into his brain, literally tearing his eyeballs loose.

“How can someone bounce back from that?” I wondered to myself.

But, as I read on, I was once again flabbergasted at the human capacity for resilience. Michael Jernigan’s bounce back to peace in his life was a slow one. It took years for him to physically and emotionally recover. Yet, today, he is able to say:

I had an incredibly catastrophic thing happen to me. That is what I was told by someone in passing.

I do not agree. I was given a second chance at life.

Jernigan chronicles his story in a New York Times online blog called The Opinionator. The post that caught my attention was To Hell and Back With a Smile. He very succinctly talks about the twin hells of war and his injuries. He shares how he allowed the support of his family and friends to re-ground him to the point where he now feels gratitude and peace. This young man who had his dreams literally blown apart in Iraq is now able to tell the reader:

I can stand tall today and wear a smile on my face that is a country mile wide. I can do that because my family loves me. God blessed me with more days in this world. I beg of you, when it gets too deep and you feel like that it will never get better, smile. Sometimes it is all that we have to fight off the blues and get back on our horse and push through.

Takeaway points: Sometimes physical and emotional recovery takes a long time. Yet, if we open ourselves up to healing agents – such as the love of family and friends – we may get to a better place than we were before.

What do you think of Michael Jernigan’s story?

I love this video. And I love it not only for the courage and high spirits of little Kandu, the Jack Russell terrier born without front legs, but because it also shows what a little flexibility and creativity can bring to life.

In her book, Mindset, Stanford University’s Carol Dweck discusses two different views people tend to adopt for themselves: fixed mindset and growth mindset. In a fixed mindset, people tend to think that intelligence and other attributes are set in stone, unable to change. People who have this mindset tend to try to prove themselves over and over. After all, if you only have a certain amount of intelligence, than you better show that you have a lot!

Growth mindset people believe that intelligence and other qualities are fluid and can be improved upon them throughout life. Unlike fixed mindset people who look at challenges as something that may show their weaknesses, growth mindset people look forward to challenges as a way to grow and learn. They enjoy expanding their flexibility and creativity to solve problems.

The growth mindset is a strong attribute of resiliency. Problem-solving, creativity, flexibility, and seeing the ability to grow through adversity are all characteristics that help us to bounce back in life.

So, one of the things I love about the story of Kandu is the growth mindset of his loving owners. His first owners, upon seeing a puppy born without front legs and perhaps having fixed mindsets, took him to the shelter to be euthanized. After his story was shown on television, over one hundred people applied to adopt him. His new owners, Ken and Melissa Rogers, were not daunted by Kandu’s physical challenges. Instead, because they have a growth mindset, the Rogers did some problem-solving and called someone with a ton of creativity – an expert in orthotics for pets.

Watch the video to see the joy of little Kandu as he scoots about on his growth-mindset-created orthotics. And listen for the creativity and flexibility of his owners and the man who designed the orthotics.

Takeaway points: A fixed mindset has you believe that your intelligence and other qualities are set in stone and there isn’t much you can do to improve them. A growth mindset allows you to look at yourself and others as constantly changing and open to new challenges as a means to grow. Having a growth mindset is a terrific characteristic of resiliency.

You can change your mindset throughout your life. What kind of mindset did you have as a child? Has your mindset changed as you’ve gotten older?

I’ve been talking about initiation for the last few posts and you might have noticed the importance of the village in the process. People in the village are very serious about their youngsters experiencing initiation in order for the village or tribe to be strengthened by the gift of the new adult in their midst.  Since everyone in the tribe goes through initiation, they all know the harrows of the ordeal and how hard it truly is.

The ordeal is worth it, though, to be able to experience the fantastic homecoming once the young person returns to the tribe as a gifted adult. The whole community turns out to welcome the initiate and honor the sacrifices s/he has made as well as the gift s/he now brings back to the tribe. The young person could not complete the process of initiation without this welcoming homecoming.

We know that part of being resilient is having a good support system. Which brings me to the title question: Who’s in your tribe? Who are the people who actually recognize when you are going through an ordeal that will teach you abundant lessons, no matter how hard it is? Who encourages you during the process? And who are the people who will celebrate when you “return to the village” after your ordeal, replete with new knowledge, skills, and gifts that will benefit both you and your tribe? Who will help you see that you need to give yourself a homecoming as well, to celebrate the unique wisdom and courage that you received from your journey?

If you can list at least a few people in your tribe, it means that you have a great skill that will help you be resilient throughout life.

But if you’re wondering, “Who really is in my tribe?” it’s time to explore creating new, meaningful relationships; a tribe that will honor your initiations as you honor theirs.

Takeaway points: We need a tribe to truly be resilient in life. Who’s in your tribe?

What are your thoughts about your tribe?

Tribal women photo by William Warby

I’ve been talking about the idea of initiation as a framework for resiliency and there are great models of this in movies and literature. Let’s take one of my favorite examples, the 1977 movie Star Wars. Luke Skywalker is unwillingly separated from his village – his family and friends – by the evil Empire who murdered his aunt and uncle. His ordeal begins as he chooses to go with Obi Wan Kenobi and learn the ways of the Jedi. Near the end of the movie, the ordeal comes to a critical point where Luke must decide whether he will stay with his old ways or obey the soft command of the ghostly Obi Wan to “use The Force.” Luke decides to embrace the challenge to use The Force and ends up destroying the Empire’s Death Star and saving his new village of Rebel fighters. His homecoming not only celebrates the return of the hero, but also his new Gift of harnessing The Force. Luke’s burgeoning power and wisdom are great boons to his community.

We find out in later movies that Luke’s initiatory experience helps him overcome more adversity as he continues his battle with the Empire and has the ultimate showdown with the evil Darth Vader. Had he not gone through his original initiation, Luke would not have acquired the gift of The Force and been able to overcome the Dark Side.

More recently, I have been astounded by Jeannette Walls’ story of resiliency as told in her memoir The Glass Castle. Here we see a very long initiation experience throughout her childhood. The separation occurs very early as Jeannette was born to parents who were eccentric, to say the least. Her alcoholic father and artist-dreamer mother had little capacity to provide for their children, so the Walls’ siblings were often left to themselves to find the basic necessities of life such as food and clothing. This created a separation from the village of families, neighborhoods, schools, and other institutions that most of us grew up with.

The ordeal lasts throughout her childhood as Jeannette and her brother and sister struggle to go to school, find food, and survive in the real world even as their parents exist in their own fantasy world.

One would think that Jeannette’s homecoming would occur when she is finally able to leave her parents and establish independence as an adult. But in actuality, it takes her many years, and the writing of her memoir before she is finally able to give herself a homecoming. Through her book, she celebrates the resiliency of herself and her siblings. The acclaim that accompanied the book completed the homecoming for her.

Takeaway points: Examples of the initiation framework for resiliency are everywhere in stories we read and movies we see. Both the fictional Luke Skywalker and memoirist Jeannette Walls are models of people who went through initiation and became more resilient in the process.

What are some of your favorite stories of initiation that you have seen or read?

1. Initiation is a part of our legacy.

The initiatory experience of separation-ordeal-homecoming has been around as long as human beings have existed so it is a very natural part of our lives. Why was it developed? So we could have a framework for becoming resilient and able to bounce back from adversity.

2. Initiations are essential for growth.

How do we learn to be independent in life? We start out being separated from our parents by going to school. Through the ordeal of school (ordeals don’t have to be terrible; sometimes they are merely challenging), we learn about the world and ourselves, slowly gaining maturity. Graduation is a homecoming where we are celebrated for all we have learned and our new status as an adult.

As we continue life as an adult, initiatory experiences help to teach resiliency skills and to mature us even further into valued members of our “village.” While I did not want to go through the initiation of grief over the loss of my partner, I do honor and value the lessons I learned along the way that have allowed me to help others in their grief. I also learned what I need to be resilient in adversity: loving friends and family, the ability to accept the moment as it is, and the understanding that new perspectives bring. These lessons have helped me make it through tough times that followed my time of grieving.

3. Initiation brings purpose and meaning to life events.

One of the essential skills of resiliency is learning to find meaning in life events. This is what Joe discovered as he faced a new initiation in his life. The process of being separated from what we know and are comfortable with, going through some kind of challenge or ordeal, and then bringing our new knowledge home helps us identify this purpose and meaning in adversity.

Takeaway points: Initiation is a vital part of the human experience in that it helps us to grow, learn, and find new meaning in life’s challenges.

Next time: Examples of initiation experiences in movies and books.

What have you learned about resiliency through your own initiations?

 

It’s natural to start asking “Why? Why me?” when we’re crossing the dry deserts that arise in life. There are never any easy answers but it’s helpful to have a framework for working through the tough times.

There is a particular resiliency framework that has been used for eons that is still helpful for us today. This process is known as initiation. Our ancestors created and honored this practice and many indigenous peoples today still use it. Initiation rites in villages are practiced to help the young people mature into adults, complete with their own unique gifts that are vital to the strength of the village. There are three parts to an initiation:

Separation

The young person is physically separated out from the tribe to face the adult world on his* own.

The Ordeal

Tribal elders often set up challenges for the young person to face which, while sometimes harrowing, elicit the person’s Core Gift and usher the youngster into adulthood.

The Homecoming

The young person returns to the village and a great celebration is held to honor his return. The tribe sings and dances with joy because a new adult has joined the village with a Gift that will strengthen and bless the tribe.

In our world, we go through initiations frequently. Some of them are good. Going off to college can be seen as an initiation. The young person is separated from her tribe (family and friends), goes through the ordeal of college and studying (which can be a mix of fun and stress), and returns (homecoming) with not only a diploma, but a new knowledge of her strengths and her Gift to bring to the world. Usually, a celebration is held to honor the new graduate.

Often, though, our initiations entail periods of pain in our lives. Becky Phillips endured an agonizing ritual when she lost her family members in a train crash.

Her initiation was very long as she experienced separation not only from the family members that she lost, but from the world as she knew it and from friends and family who could not possibly understand her pain.

Her ordeal consisted of raw, raking grief and the struggle to create new meaning in life and her world. Yet, somehow, she made it through.

Becky’s homecoming was also a slow process and somewhat subtle. She allowed her family to gently welcome her back as mother and wife. And now, she is providing herself with a homecoming as she celebrates the lessons that she learned along the way: how valued her late family members were to others and how they touched lives, how much she loves and cherishes the people in her life now, and how short and truly precious life really is.

Becky is now a stronger, quite gifted member of our current “village.” She has the ability to encourage us through our own adversities, having been through one of the worst ordeals one can imagine.

My client, Joe, is entering into his own ordeal as he experiences the degenerative disorder with which he has recently been diagnosed. He will likely feel some sense of separation from others as he adapts to his new reality. My hope for him, and for all of us, is that he enjoys a wonderful homecoming as he comes to terms with – and becomes gifted through – his adversity.

Takeaway points: When you face a challenge, the framework of initiation can help you view your experience as a way to not only learn to endure, but to bounce back stronger and with more focus on the Gift you bring to the world. “Why me?” then becomes “Why not me? This is an ancient and honored process.”

What about you? What kinds of initiations have you experienced? Tell us about them and especially if you are experiencing one now.

*While young men are often the ones who experience the most rigorous initiations, young women have their own types of initiations as well, usually at the onset of menses.

I worked with Joe over a year ago and now he returned to see me with a new problem. He had just been diagnosed with a rare degenerative disorder that would eventually rob him of the use of his limbs as his muscles weakened over time. Joe wanted to talk about how he could prepare himself for this decline.

What am I going to do?

Joe is in his sixties and has worked in high tech for a long time. He loves it. A bit of an extrovert, he loves going to work every day with younger people who are smart, capable, and fun. He has a mentorship role with several of these co-workers that he really enjoys. And he loves to sit at his computer and solve difficult software problems as his fingers fly over the keyboard.

“What am I going to do in a few years when I can’t use my hands anymore?” Joe asked me. “And I won’t be able to drive to work. I’ll most likely be in a wheelchair . . . what then?”

Does resiliency fit with chronic illness?

I had pondered these very questions after Joe emailed me to ask for an appointment, explaining about the newly-diagnosed degenerative disorder in his message. I thought about my tenets of developing resiliency: acceptance, build a support system, gain perspective, see what is to be learned, and find the gifts in the moment. These fit well for someone who is overcoming temporary adversity, I thought, but what about someone with a chronic condition? And now, with Joe in my office, what about someone who just became aware that he has a chronic condition?

And then, as I’ve experienced so often in the therapy setting, Joe answered his own question and some of my own as well.

A new mission, a new meaning

“I can imagine,” he began, “that someday I’ll be sitting in a wheelchair in an assisted living facility. I won’t be able to move very much but my mind will still be active.” He looked up at the ceiling as he leaned back in his chair. “I think I’ll just have to develop a new mission statement for myself, a new way to make life meaningful for me.”

I was beyond moved by Joe’s response. I was really expecting him to bemoan his fate and anticipate a difficult life with disability. That’s what most of us would do. Instead, Joe combined his inner scientist’s discipline with his own optimistic personality and immediately moved into acceptance and perspective mode. He accepted what this disorder would eventually do to him and sought a new way to look at what his life would be about. And, in so doing, Joe found hope.

Will Joe always be upbeat and optimistic about his physical condition? My guess is he’ll have some pretty rough struggles along the way. But we’re already talking about his new mission statement. The disorder isn’t going to affect his ability to talk, so we’ve been discussing ways he can still mentor others and be involved in the career he loves.

Making life meaningful. Isn’t this what resiliency is all about?

What is your mission statement in life? What brings you meaning and purpose?