Blog

Catching up with old high school friends on Facebook has been a lot of fun for me over the last year. And it’s also brought home to me how very middle-aged I am as my friends talk about their children who are now in college or married and starting families of their own.

I am noticing, too, that friends are starting to lose parents and loved ones as time continues its resolute march onward. With that in mind, I want to revisit a story first printed in one of my newsletters from a few years ago. Sometimes it’s hard to know how to sit with a dying person so I love this story about following your heart when with a loved one in his or her last days.

The other day I was sitting at the counter of my favorite restaurant with my “counter buddy,” Tom. I hadn’t seen him for a few days and he told me he had been out of town to see his father who was receiving hospice care. Tom told me that his dad was lucid, but very tired and seemed to have problems forming the words he wanted to say. His dad had always been a virile, strong, active man, and Tom remarked how different it was to see his father in this weakened condition as he lay dying.

Tom’s sisters buzzed around the house and came in and out of their father’s room, chatting with Tom and their dad. “It was kind of noisy,” Tom told me with a smile.

At one point, Tom and his father were alone together for a few quiet moments. Tom started to sing a song his father had taught him when Tom was just five years old. As he sang, his father relaxed into his pillow.

“A look of peace came over his face,” Tom said, “and he began to mouth the words with me.”

Tom and I sat in silence for a moment.

“I wonder what made you think of doing that?” I mused softly.

“It just seemed like the right thing to do,” he replied.

He became thoughtful, remembering the precious time with his father. “The song goes like this:

“I see the moon and the moon sees me . . .”

He broke off, his eyes filling with tears as were mine. Sitting at the counter of our favorite restaurant, I put my arm around Tom and said, “I’m so glad you had that moment with your dad.”

Tom smiled. “Me, too.”

Takeaway points: It’s usually the small, simple things that are meaningful for both the dying person and the loved one who is with them. If you are a companion to a dying person sometime, just take a deep breath and follow your heart. And remember, you don’t have to “do” anything if you don’t want, just being there is often enough.

Do you have a favorite story of sitting with someone you loved in his or her last days?

Every morning when I go to my car, I have spider webs on both side mirrors. And every morning I drive my car and the webs are ruined. Yet, there they are again the next day.

I rarely see the weavers of these webs, but when I do, my admiration for their tenacity causes me to shoo them back behind the mirror to a safe place for our road trip. And, try as I might, I can’t help but apologize to the tiny critters for ruining their creations.

The other day I was driving to town and I casually glanced in my right side mirror. There, clinging to the one remaining strand of his web, was one of my car spiders. He was in a little ball to cut down on wind resistance and I could actually see his little legs wrapped around the bucking strand.

“Ack!” I shouted as though he could both hear and understand me, “Hang on!”

Here’s our story and the lessons I learned from him:

1. Hold on for dear life until things slow down.

Although I considered stopping so he could scurry behind the mirror, there really wasn’t any safe place for me to pull off. So, when I could, I peeked over at him to make sure he was still there. He was and he didn’t move from his place on the strand until I stopped at an intersection.

I was impressed by this little creature’s wisdom to stay where he was and hunker down when he faced a sudden and unexpected storm in his life.

2. Take cover!

As the wind subsided for him when I slowed the car down, the spider rushed up the strand to safety. For some reason, he couldn’t get all the way behind the mirror, but he squished himself up between the mirror and its casing. I could see as I drove along that he was still feeling some of the wind, but he had moved himself to a much safer place.

3. Dash out and work on things during a lull.

At the next stoplight, I was horrified to see the spider dart down the strand about midway as I slowed the car. “Hey!” I shouted again, “Get back in there!” The light was already green and I knew I needed to speed up and create the terrible wind for him again.

During the brief lull, though, he seemed to be working on the strand, perhaps fixing a weak point. His little legs flew in and around the thin filament and I imagined that he felt a sense of urgency to get as much done as he could during this relatively safe period of time.

4. It’s okay to hunker down again if necessary.

As I picked up speed, the spider felt the air rush against him and again scampered to the safety of the top of the mirror.

When I arrived at my destination, I got out of the car and walked around to the right side of the car. I shook my finger at the brave little guy and said, “Now you stay there!” I didn’t really care if passersby thought I was a little goofy to be shaking my finger at a mirror and talking to it. This spider and I had been through the wringer together.

And he did stay there. He perched on top of the mirror all the way home.

5. Keep trying.

The next morning when I went out to my car, there between my mirror and the door was a beautiful, glistening spider web.

Takeaway points: Life’s storms can rise up suddenly and swiftly. Sometimes you have to hang on for dear life for awhile before you can scamper to a more safe and peaceful place, even as the storm rages around you. Wait for lulls in the storm before dashing out to do some repairs and then scurrying to safety again. And remember the spider’s last lesson: Every day he builds a web and (almost) every day it gets destroyed. I have yet to see a spider stomping around complaining about how unfair life is. Instead, he immediately goes about his life’s work of creating, resting, and repairing . . . creating, resting, and repairing.

What lessons do you learn from my car spider?

When I was a young therapist, I was very grateful for the ground-breaking work of Dr. Marsha Linehan. I had just read her new (in 1993) book, Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder, and was both intrigued and relieved to find an effective approach to this very difficult disorder.

Since then, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), the treatment described in the book, has become a staple of mental health treatment throughout the United States. Dr. Linehan is recognized around the world for her creative, yet pragmatic research that resulted in this life-saving treatment.

What started her on the path to developing DBT? Linehan, 68, recently has “come out” to reveal her own struggles with mental illness and borderline personality disorder in her late teenage and early adult years. Her experience being institutionalized formed her life mission to make sure others did not also end up there.

Her story, appearing on nytimes.com, is a must-read not only because it is inspirational, but also because of two main points that are keys to leading a resilient, peaceful life.

1. Accept life as it is, not as it is supposed to be.

Linehan found that much of her inner turmoil was the result of despair that her life was so far from what she had envisioned it to be. Once she experienced what she now calls “radical acceptance,” she experienced an inner peace she had never known before. Although she still experienced extreme emotions, she found them easier to manage due to her newfound understanding.

Even if we don’t struggle with extreme emotional swings, how many times do we fight against what is and focus instead on what could be? How much do we overlook what we already have by always trying to find what is missing?

2. Change is possible.

Linehan started tracking how her emotions were triggered and how these emotions led to destructive behaviors. She then learned to recognize the triggers as well as make changes in her behavior. The result was a much more stable, peaceful life.

Do you think change is possible for you? It’s easy to think that we are “set in our ways” and therefore can’t change. But perhaps this is just an excuse to avoid some hard work. You have to ask yourself: Is peace worth the effort?

Takeaway points: Stop and take stock of your life. Accepting where you are and who you are, even with all of your foibles and flaws, will allow you to move toward peace in your life. Believing that change is always possible gives you leeway to try new behaviors that will help you bounce back from the toughest challenges life can throw at you.

What do you think of Marsha Linehan’s story and her work?

The other day I was having lunch with my friend Kay. We were getting caught up on each other’s lives and Kay was talking about a mood downswing that occurred a few weeks back.

“How are you feeling now?” I asked. “I know that was kind of a tough time for you. I didn’t hear from you very much.”

Kay looked a bit sheepish and finally said, “Well, I was thinking to myself, ‘Bobbi’s all about resilience and she’ll want me to be resilient through this.’” She emphasized the word resilient with a big sigh. “And I just didn’t feel like I was in a place to bounce back from how I was feeling at the time.”

I nodded. “I’m so glad you shared this with me, Kay. I think it’s time I wrote a little more about this very thing.”

 

With that in mind, here are four myths about resilience that may have been a secret to you until now.

 

1. You must be resilient at all times.

Can we be anything all the time? Resilience is a practice and there are times we are better at it than others. And part of resilience is flexibility and belief that your body, mind, and spirit know your own timing better than anyone else – and that includes when to use resilience skills.

 

2. There’s something wrong with me if I feel sad and down in the dumps. I must not be very resilient.

Who says? Feelings just are, they don’t mean anything about you in general. It’s a mistake to equate a feeling with a trait: “I’m sad = I’m not resilient = I’m bad.” Your emotion is just a clue as to what is going on inside you. See #1 for the timing thing again. And take a look at Colleen Haggerty’s great post about this very thing.

 

3. Resilience means bouncing back immediately from whatever has you down.

Oh gosh, I hope not. It took me years to bounce back from the death of my partner. Although I like the phrase “bounce back,” it can sometimes be taken to mean that the bounce happens quickly. In actuality, that bounce may feel like it is in Super Slo Mo. And that’s okay.

 

4. Once I bounce back from a crisis, I shouldn’t have a “relapse” – it should be over.

Ummmm, not exactly. The path that resilience takes us on can often be very much like an upward spiral. We continue on an upward path, but there are times when we have to go past that point of pain again. At that place, we may get knocked down again, stay in the same place for awhile, or keep moving upward, albeit slowly.

Takeaway points: Resilience is a practice, and as in sports, sometimes we have a good practice and other times we feel like we’ve never played this game before. Sometimes we pick up the sport immediately and have a talent for it and other times it is a struggle and takes a long time. The key is to be okay with wherever you are today.

What other myths about resilience can you think of?

 

If you liked this post, you may also like one of my previous posts, 5 ways to be okay with where you are.

Maria’s day didn’t start well. Her kids dawdled so much getting ready for school that she felt exactly like she was chirping Anita Renfroe’s “Mom Song” –

Get up now
Get up now
Get up out of bed
Wash your face
Brush your teeth
Comb your sleepy head
Here’s your clothes
And your shoes
Hear the words I said
Get up now
Get up and make your bed

She herded them all into the car but, at a stoplight, had to turn around to tell her son to stop pinching his sister, who was wailing at the top of her lungs. Her quick movement, however, caused her to knock over her coffee in the cup holder and it slopped onto her light-colored slacks. There was no time to go back and change her clothes so she gritted her teeth and resigned herself to showing up to the meeting at work with stains on her pants.

Maria freaks out

Kids dropped off, she arrived at work to find that there was someone from tech support in her office working on her computer. He mumbled something about a “network upgrade glitch.” Maria’s meeting was in thirty minutes and she needed to get onto her computer, download the agenda, and review her part of the data security report so she wouldn’t sound like a complete idiot when it was her turn to present.

“How much longer do you think this will take?” she asked the tech.

“I’m not sure,” he responded, “I think about an hour.”

“An hour!” Maria’s voice rose. “I don’t HAVE an hour! I have a very important meeting in thirty minutes!” She was shouting now as she threw her purse and coat on a chair. “I have GOT to get on that computer! Why did you have to work on it now? You are totally incompetent!”

The tech turned from her computer and looked at her. Maria could see the embarrassment and hurt in his eyes. She turned to leave and get away from this horrible situation, but someone was blocking her door. It was her boss.

Maria needed these 3 tips

Poor Maria. What happened to her? As the events of the morning unfolded, her brain, specifically her amygdala, became triggered and perceived that she was in danger, a fight-or-flight situation. Unfortunately, Maria chose to “fight” and lost her temper . . . right in front of her boss.

What could she have done to convince her brain she wasn’t in “danger” and didn’t need to fight?

1. Be aware. Maria needs to increase her recognition of signs in her body that she is starting to feel stressed. If she had been more aware, she may have noticed that she felt a tense knot forming in her stomach as she rushed the kids out to the car. When she was driving after spilling coffee on her pants, she could have noticed that her shoulders were up around her ears as the tension built up. And she might have recognized that she was about to start shouting at the tech as the anxiety moved its way from her stomach, up through her chest, and toward her mouth. What happens to your body when you become stressed?

2. Breathe. If Maria had taken even five seconds that morning to stop and take a deep breath, much of the fallout from her stressful morning would not have occurred. Would she still feel stressed? Yes, but not to the extent that she ends up shouting and throwing things. The act of stopping and taking a deep breath not only signals Maria’s brain that she is okay, but it also gives her a break that allows her to think more about what is going on in her body and mind.

3. Think. When Maria noticed that she was becoming uptight, she could have stopped to take a deep breath. During that pause, she may have thought to herself, “This is stressful, but it’s not like this hasn’t happened before. I’ll be okay. I’m safe, I’m just stressed. It’s not the end of the world.” This kind of thinking also calms her brain and assures her amygdala that Maria is not in a situation where she may need to fight or run.

Takeaway points: When facing stress, remember that your brain has a very primitive center that still thinks you may be in danger. Calm your amygdala and decrease your stress by practicing becoming aware of what your body feels like when it is stressed. The next time you notice the signals in your body, stop and take a deep breath. During the time out when you are taking your breath, think about what is going on and reassure yourself and your brain that you will be okay, you have faced stress before, and it’s not the end of the world.

What do you do when you’re having a “Maria day”?

If you liked this article, you may also like this post from Upaya.org.

In my last post, I discussed nine ways that families with special needs children can become more resilient. One of the ways was to be hopeful and realistic at the same time, what some may call realistic optimism.

Being a realistic optimist is a great resiliency skill and it’s also a trait of successful people, according to psychologist Heidi Grant Halvorson. The author of Succeed: How We Can Reach Our Goals, Halvorson has developed a list of nine things that successful people do differently to reach their goals that includes realistic optimism. Here’s the entire list:

1. Be specific

2. Seize the moment to act on your goals

3. Know exactly how far you have left to go

4. Be a realistic optimist

5. Focus on getting better rather than being good.

6. Have grit.

7. Build your will power muscle.

8. Don’t tempt fate

9. Focus on what you will do rather than what you won’t do.

I really like Halvorson’s approach because she talks about being specific, being realistic in both outlook and with yourself, and being patient with yourself. It’s very easy to set a goal such as “I want to eat better” but that sets a vague goal that is neither motivating nor descriptive of what success looks like. Being specific – “I want to include one serving of vegetables with lunch and dinner for the next month” – gives you a marker to know when success is achieved and lets you know how far you need to go to achieve your goal.

While being optimistic and visualizing the best outcome can be great skills, they are not enough on their own to achieve goals. In another article, Halvorson reports on a study which asked obese women embarking on a weight-loss program to say “what they imagined their road to success would be like — if they thought they would have a hard time resisting temptation, or if they’d have no problem turning down free doughnuts in the conference room and a second trip to the all-you-can-eat buffet. The results were astounding: women who believed they would succeed easily lost 24 pounds less than those who thought their weight-loss journey would be no walk in the park.”

Finally, Halvorson encourages people to focus on the process of change and how they are getting better at skills needed to reach their goals rather than expecting that they will suddenly and magically become successful immediately.

Several years ago, I was working out at a gym after New Year’s day. Like every year, there were a lot of New Year’s resolutionists there for the first time. I noticed two women who were quite heavy walking on the treadmills and chatting with each other. The third time they were at the gym, I struck up a conversation with them.

“You look great,” they remarked on my toned (at the time) body, “How long did it take you to get there?”

“Well,” I began honestly, “I’ve been working out off and on my whole life, but this time around, I’d say it took me about a year of doing both cardio and weightlifting.”

“A year!” one of the women gasped. They exchanged glances and shook their heads.

I never saw them at the gym again.

While I initially felt bad that I had discouraged them, I also realized that they held a couple of unrealistic expectations: They thought the process would be easy and they thought they would immediately be successful. And they would have felt immediately successful had they realized that dropping a pound per week is fantastic, that going five minutes longer on the treadmill is a great achievement, that they were getting better at the skills needed to achieve their goals.

Want to successfully achieve your goals? Read Halvorson’s article and remember to be specific, be a realistic optimist, and give yourself kudos for getting better at new skills.

Takeaway points: Achieving goals is a terrific way to be resilient. The more specific we are with goal-setting, the more motivated we become. Realistic optimism helps us to hold high expectations for ourselves while not underestimating how difficult goal achievement will be. And give yourself a lot of credit for getting better at new skills and habits.

What do you think about Halvorson’s nine things successful people do differently?

Libbie and Joe

Libbie wrote to me and asked if I had written any articles on the resiliency of families with special needs children. Her youngest son, Joe, has multiple disabilities and I asked Libbie to tell me about how her family has utilized resiliency over the years. Here’s what she wrote:

As far has having resilience regarding our son, I think I am getting better as I get older. It is a continuous process. A sense of humor and appreciation are so important. Also, allowing yourself a little down time when needed. This past year when we learned of Joe’s chromosome abnormalities, I allowed myself to grieve. This is not something I have ever really done. As difficult as it was, it’s what I needed so I could accept that this is my son’s life, our life, and our future. I was able to bounce back because I allowed myself the time to acknowledge the realities of our lives. Also, I keep reminding myself that when I was blessed with these beautiful boys my original goal as a mother was to raise two polite, caring, and happy young men. Those are goals that are achievable for Joe as well as Justin [my older son who is at college].

Libbie’s honest response about her family’s journey with Joe inspired me. Although I previously have not written about resiliency with special needs families, I did a partial review of the literature and found some common threads in resiliency practices within the research. Here are 9 ways families with special needs children practice resiliency (these are not in any particular order):

1. Utilizing support systems. Families with a disabled child benefit extensively from garnering support from as many areas as possible: nuclear and extended family, schools, medical systems, and specialized programs for kids with disabilities, just to name a few.

2. Making meaning of adversity. Families who reflect on what it means for them to have a special needs child often find that there are positive lessons to be learned and that the child (or children) enhances the richness of the family experience. Which leads to . . .

3. Changing world views. Many families have found that their special needs child has broadened their view of the world as a whole including being more clear about what really matters in life. As Libbie noted, A sense of humor and appreciation are so important. Being positive, loving, and celebrating small accomplishments become priorities for these families. “Don’t sweat the small stuff” can be a new and freeing way of life.

4. Regaining coherence by thinking differently about the child. In the research studies, many participating families reported feeling fractured initially by the stress of change brought on by a child with disabilities. However, these same families found that once they started realizing the strengths of the child and the positive impact the child created within the family, the family became coherent again albeit in a new way. Libbie: Also, I keep reminding myself that when I was blessed with these beautiful boys my original goal as a mother was to raise two polite, caring, and happy young men. Those are goals that are achievable for Joe as well as Justin [my older son who is at college].

5. Affirming strength and becoming more compassionate. One of the ways families’ world view changed is that they prioritized strengths rather than deficits both with the child and within the family in general. One characteristic that research families consistently mentioned was that of becoming more compassionate as people. Even young siblings of the special needs child noted that they found themselves being more sensitive toward others.

6. Managing the boundaries. There were two ways in which boundaries created resiliency for special needs families. First, family members benefited from consistent rules and routines being observed by all family members, including the special needs child. Secondly, family members learned to manage and honor their personal boundaries. Libbie found that to be true for her recently: This past year when we learned of Joe’s chromosome abnormalities, I allowed myself to grieve. This is not something I have ever really done. As difficult as it was, it’s what I needed so I could accept that this is my son’s life, our life, and our future. I was able to bounce back because I allowed myself the time to acknowledge the realities of our lives.

7. Construction of new identities. Families often reported that they went through a period of adaptation and adjustment as their identities changed with the arrival of a special needs child. As Libbie said above, I think it’s a continuous process. Her comment reflects the experiences of many family members who find the need to re-invent themselves over the course of their lives with their special needs family member.

8. Combining hope and possibilities with a realistic view and acceptance of the situation. Families who held optimistic yet realistic outlooks were among the most resilient in the studies.

9. Having a spiritual belief system. This does not always mean a religious faith, but resilient families were able to draw on, increase, or sometimes develop a new spiritual belief system while living with and raising a special needs family.

Takeaway points: There are many ways for families with special needs children to become resilient. Did you notice that most of them have to do with acceptance, learning to think differently, and finding the gifts in adversity?

If you have a special needs child or know someone who does, what do you think about these resiliency factors? What would you add or take away?

Note: I plan to write a longer article on this aspect of resiliency and will announce it here when it is completed. In the meantime, here are the articles that supported this post:

Bayat, M. (2007) Evidence of resilience in families of children with autism. Journal of Intellectual Disability Research 51, 702-714.

Grant, G., Ramcharan, P., & Flynn, M. (2007) Resilience in families with children and adult members with intellectual disabilities: Tracing elements of a psycho-social model. Journal of Applied Research in Intellectual Disabilities, 20, 563-575.

King, G., Zwaigenbaum, L., Baxter, D., Rosenbaum, P., & Bates, A. (2005) A qualitative investigation of changes in the belief systems of families of children with autism or Down Syndrom. Childcare, Health, and Development 32, 3, 352-369.

Knestrict, T. & Kuchey, D. (2009) Welcome to Holland: Characteristics of resilient families raising children with severe disabilities. Journal of Family Studies, 15, 227-224.

Heiman, T. (2002) Parents of children with disabilities: Resilience, coping, and future expectations. Journal of Developmental and Physical Disabilities 14, 2, 159-171.

One of my most popular posts has been the original 5 great quotes to power your day. Here are five more quotes about resiliency and living each day to the fullest from ancient and modern sages.

1. Ralph Waldo Emerson

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. 

2. Willa Cather

The end is nothing; the road is all.

3. Unknown (but wise) author

Whatever it is, if it doesn’t make you happy, walk away, give it away to someone else who wants it. Let it be their next dream; let it flee from you. Then you have room to grow, to allow magnificent things to fill the vacuum of those seemingly empty places. When you hold onto yesterday, when you hold onto dead and dying adventures, you have no room in your box for greatness.

4. J.B. Priestly

I have always been delighted at the prospect of a new day, a fresh try, one more start, with perhaps a bit of magic waiting somewhere behind the morning.

5. Leonard Cohen

Ring the bells that still can ring

Forget your perfect offering

There is a crack in everything

That’s how the light gets in

 

Takeaway points: I, personally, love Cohen’s line “forget your perfect offering.” It’s so easy to get stuck on making everything perfect when, the truth is, the way the light comes in is through an imperfection – a crack. This is a great resiliency skill – understanding that there can be light and joy in things that are broken.

What’s your takeaway from these great quotes?