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The 27-year-old young woman had called for an appointment because her father died six months ago. Now she sat across from me, squirming slightly on the comfortable suede sofa in my office. I asked how I could help her. She fidgeted a bit more, looking down at her hands. “What I want to know is . . .” she started off slowly and then rushed into the rest of the question, “Am I grieving right?”

My client’s question was a valid one considering that the prevailing concept of grief continues to be that there are “stages” one must go through in order to grieve in a healthy manner. The seminal work of Elizabeth Kübler-Ross in the 1960’s led to the now-familiar “Five stages of grief.” Interestingly, Kübler-Ross’ work was actually with dying patients and the stages were initially used to describe the process that dying people go through, not those who are grieving. Nonetheless, the segue was soon made to the field of grief and the idea that the bereaved should experience Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance – and pretty much in that order – was popularized in our society.

Kübler-Ross’ research opened up important avenues in the field of bereavement, but it soon became apparent that the 5 Stages were not a one-size-fits-all approach. However, her ideas did encourage and implant the idea about “grief work” or the notion that you must experience some kind of grief response after the death of a loved one. If you didn’t, then you were either an unfeeling person or could expect to have some kind of delayed reaction later.

Thus, my client’s question to me, “Am I grieving right?” reflected her concern that something was wrong with her because she wasn’t experiencing grief in the “normal” way. Recent research by Dr. George Bonanno and others has shown that around half of people who lose a loved one will exhibit only mild symptoms of depression and distress while 10-15% of grievers will experience chronic depression.

The bottom line is that there are a lot of individual differences in grief. When my partner died, I was surprised at the extreme depression, pain, and loss of functioning I went through for months and even years. I, like many others, really did need to “do some work” around my grief and the research demonstrates that some of us will experience more intense reactions that may need the assistance of therapy and grief support groups.

My young client, on the other hand, grieved and sobbed intensely for her father the day he died and since then has been subject to only fleeting, wistful moments of longing for him. For awhile, she wondered if she might be suppressing her “real grief” because she doesn’t tend to be a particularly emotional person. As time has passed, however, she is able to see that she has grieved in the way that naturally worked for her and there is nothing wrong with her process.

As we move out of the “stages of grief” and “grief work” era, we can now see that the answer to “Am I grieving right?” is, inevitably, “Yes.”

Takeaway points: It’s very important to realize that grief comes in many, many forms so we need to be careful about thinking there is a “right” way to grieve. Not everyone will need to do “grief work” and display extreme sadness. Others will be very affected by the loss of a loved one and experience symptoms of depression and difficulty functioning. And then there is everything in between. Grief covers the whole gamut of emotions and experiences and we need to move from thinking of how we and others “should” grieve to an acceptance of individual, natural grief processes.

What are your thoughts about how one “should” grieve? Have you ever been in a situation where someone thought you were grieving “wrong”?

If you are having trouble with grief or loss – and we know that’s okay – I’m available to walk through it with you. Give me a call at 650-529-9059 or email me.

A great tool in your resiliency toolbox is that of rest – for the body, mind, and soul. With that in mind, I’m leaving tomorrow for a few days in Washington State’s gorgeous San Juan Islands. There won’t be any posts for this week other than this one, but I’ll be back next week to talk more about the “right” way to experience trauma and loss. Here’s a teaser from my next post:

The 27-year-old young woman had called for an appointment because her father died six months ago. Now she sat across from me, squirming slightly on the comfortable suede sofa in my office. I asked her how I could help her. She fidgeted a bit more, looking down at her hands. “What I want to know is . . .” she started off slowly and then rushed into the rest of the question, “Am I grieving right?”

Stay tuned . . .

Have a restful week!

Terrific photo of the San Juans from English Camp on San Juan Island by Araddon.

As I continue to read about the aftermath of the tragedies in Norway, I can’t help but wonder how people directly affected by the traumas – and all Norwegians – will be able to avoid unwanted emotional fallout from the events.

However, one of the things that is comforting to me is that a growing body of research is finding that people tend to be naturally resilient in the face of loss and trauma. Grief and loss researcher George Bonanno, a professor of psychology at Columbia University’s Teacher’s College, writes in his book, The Other Side of Sadness, about the high levels of resilience among people in three extremely traumatic events: the bombing of London in World War II, the 1945 bombing of Hiroshima, and the 9/11 attack on the World Trade Center towers in 2001.

Surprisingly, the incidence of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder among New Yorkers following the collapse of the twin towers was quite low and almost non-existent six months later. The people of London, Hiroshima, and Nagasaki during WWII also demonstrated a high amount of resilience.

So, I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised then, when I read this headline on msnbc.com today: “Oslo bomb victim is back at work after surviving spike through head.” It sounded so crazy I thought it must have originated from a sensational tabloid or something. But no. When I clicked on the link, there she was in living color outside the bombed office building in Oslo, sitting on the ground talking to medical workers with a spike through her head. Somehow, the large wooden splinter had entered Line Nersnaes’ chin, missed her brain and large arteries, and exited through the top of her head.

A little lower on the page was a picture of her looking very calm, a bandage around her head. Her biggest concern? She had been working on a paper that dealt with domestic violence and she was determined to get back to it. The original deadline was August 10^th, but in spite of having no desk or computer, she promises the reader that she’ll have it done before Christmas.

Some will argue that she is still in shock or denial. This may be true or it could just be that Line Nersnaes is one of the many people who has natural resiliency and is calling upon it in this very difficult time.

The bottom line? If you are one of those people who do well in crises or seem to bounce back when others are still floundering, try not to think that you aren’t handling the situation “right.” You are probably just one of the many Line Nersnaes of the world.

And, if you’re like me and have been worrying about the people of Norway, it looks like most of them will be okay in the long run. But let’s still keep them in our thoughts . . .

I’ll explore the idea of “right” reactions to trauma and loss more in my next post.

Takeaway points: Although it has long been held that the “normal” reaction to trauma will include symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, new research is pointing to the fact that, actually, most people are quite resilient in the face of adversity.

Have you ever been more resilient than you thought you would be when something tragic has happened?

Photo courtesy of Beverly & Pack, Flickr Creative Commons

I keep putting off writing this post. I’ve found any number of things to do rather than sit down and write. Why? Because I need to write about the tragedy in Norway.

And I don’t know what to say. Or, more accurately, as I remarked to my friend yesterday, “I’m going to write a blog post about Norway, but what the [expletive deleted] am I supposed to say?”

One man with evil intent kills almost 80 innocent people in the country and city that awards the Nobel Peace Prize. Unthinkably, most of the victims are teenagers. Children at a summer camp.

This kind of devastation has never happened to Norway. Never. Not even in WWII when about the same number of people were injured.

I’m so angry, I could spit blood. I’m so sad, I’ve felt an undercurrent of depression since last Friday. And I’m so shocked, I’ve put off writing about this because there was no way to wrap my mind around it.

How can I talk about resiliency within the magnitude of this tragedy?

Because this is what living resilient lives is all about. It’s not always pretty or romantic or heroic. A lot of times it’s messy and angry and outraged and sad and shocked. This is where you start when something awful happens; you cry and shout and pound your fists. Or you sit quietly, stunned and weeping.

And you keep going.

Two days ago, a memorial service was held at the Oslo Cathedral. The Prime Minister spoke, his voice laden with sorrow. Afterwards, the BBC interviewed one of the chief pastors at the Cathedral. “There is no way out of it,” she said, “but just to go through it.”

Like we did after 9/11, the people of Norway are instinctively practicing resiliency skills they may not have known they had. They are gathering together to comfort each other and remember the lives lost. They are filling the streets carrying white and red roses, hugging each other, talking, and sitting at flower-and-candle-filled memorial sites in stunned silence together, tears rolling down their cheeks.

They are on the first part of the resiliency road. It’s not pretty. Right now, it’s sad.

And they will make it. Together they are finding that the only way out is to go through.

Takeaway points: We often hear the word resiliency and immediately think of something heroic or romantic. Sometimes it’s just not that way. The beginning of the road can be ugly but it is a beginning.

What are your thoughts?

Here’s the newest installment in the monthly edition of 5 Great Quotes:

1. Albert Einstein

Life is like riding a bicycle, in order to keep your balance, you must keep moving.

2. Richard Bach

What the caterpillar calls the end of the world the master calls a butterfly.

3. The Little Engine That Could

I think I can, I think I can . . .

4. Japanese proverb

Fall seven times, stand up eight.

5. Franklin D. Roosevelt

When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.

Takeaway points: I think my favorite this month is Richard Bach’s quote. There have been so many times I have felt the depths of the cocoon, only to realize it was the best place for me to grow.

What’s your favorite quote?

Need help bouncing back from something in your life? I’m available for individual therapy sessions. Call me at 650-529-9059 or email me for an appointment.

By the time we get into our late forties and early fifties, many of us have worked for twenty-five years or more. And not only do we often stay in the same field, some of us have held the same job for that long. In this economy, of course, having any job is something to be grateful for!

Still, this is the time of life when you might start to feel some itchiness about your job or career, a yearning for change. My clients who are in this position usually wonder aloud: “But what should I do? I’ve been in this same career for so long, I’m not sure what to do next.”

Here are some ideas:

1. Find your Core Gift.

Your Core Gift is the essential talent that you have; the thing you do that – when you’re doing it – you feel like time is flying, that your task is easy and delightful. You feel “in the zone.”

Knowing your Core Gift can help you decide what job or career would be a true joy for you. Please see my previous post for more information, but here are four questions to get you started:

• When do you feel the most alive?
• What would everyone you know say was the one thing that drew them to you?
• What is something you have been doing with ease your whole life?
• What is the opposite of your wound, the event(s) in life that have hurt you the most?

2. Take a class in something that interests you.

Wonder if a certain career might be a good one for you? Take a class online or at your local community college to become more familiar with the field and to see if you truly like it or not.

3. Talk to others.

Talk to people who work in the field you’re thinking about joining to get the inside scoop on what that job is really like.

Also, talk to people who have changed careers in mid-life. What made them decide to change? How did they go about doing it? Was it worth it?

4. Consider “career oxygen.”

More magazine has a great article on women who kept their long-term jobs, but pursued side projects that were more in line with their Core Gifts. These projects helped the women to “breathe” more and gave them satisfaction while staying in their full-time careers.

This is a terrific idea because sometimes our passions don’t pay the mortgage. However, following your muse to create art or play music can be a great way to get oxygen when you feel stifled in your job.

 

So, how does this talk of career change fit in with resilience? The more satisfied you are in your daily life overall, the more you will have the energy and capacity to bounce back from the tough spots that come with being a human. Also, the ability to be aware of your own skills, passions, and dreams helps you to stay in touch with who you really are which allows you to stay grounded and able to withstand life’s storms.

 

Takeaway points: Thoughts of career or job change are a pretty natural part of mid-life development. Finding your Core Gift, becoming more educated about a dream job, and using your dream as “career oxygen” can help you feel more fulfilled, grounded, and resilient.

 

What’s your dream at this point in your life?

 

Want to find your Core Gift? I have a structured process to do just that. Contact me for your Core Gift session either in person or via Skype.

I love baseball. I love the hum of the crowd, the quiet patter of the announcers, the history of the game, but most of all, I love to watch the strategy between the pitcher and the batter.

One of the most amazing things to see during this one-to-one challenge is the way a pitcher can make the batter’s knees buckle with a good curveball.

Do you ever feel like life has thrown you a curveball? You thought you had everything under control and then something happens to make your knees buckle. Maybe you lost your job or have a health problem. Perhaps you’re having relationship difficulty or your house is perilously close to foreclosure. Whatever the case, life’s curveballs can really leave you flailing, just like that batter against the wily pitcher.

Here are three lessons we can learn about resiliency via that tricky curveball:

1. Be flexible with your expectations.

So, what does an experienced hitter do to make contact with the curveball? First of all, he broadens his expectations. Most hitters who flail at a curveball do so because they have their expectations set on something else: they’re anticipating a fastball.

Like the veteran hitter, you can prepare for life’s curveballs by remembering that life is always about change. So learn to create flexibility in your expectations about how the world works for you.

2. Learn from experience.

But even the experienced batter will be fooled by a curveball now and again. Expecting the fastball, he might take a mighty swing at something that at first looks like a fastball, only to find that he swung way ahead of when the ball arrived and about 8 inches over the top of it as it drops down out of the strike zone. Does the batter decide he’s a failure because he whiffed and stomp back to the dugout? No. He takes a deep breath, learns from the experience, and steps back into the batter’s box.

If you take a whiff at one of life’s curveballs, step back for a moment and look at what you’ve learned from the experience. Then take a deep breath and get back into the batter’s box of life. The next time that curveball shows up, you’ll be ready to either hit it out of the park or let it go if it’s outside the strike zone.

3. Practice, practice, practice. (And realize how great a .400 batting average is!)

Finally, remember that patience and practice are what increases the hitter’s batting average. Just because you’ve missed the pitch or perhaps even struck out at one of life’s curveballs doesn’t mean you’re a failure by any means. Even the Splendid Splinter, the great Ted Williams, only succeeded 40% of the time when he was at the plate. Yet he went back to the batter’s box again and again because he loved the thrill of the game.

Takeaway points: Don’t miss out on the thrill of life because of a few unexpected curveballs. Broaden your expectations, learn from your experience, have patience and practice new skills. Soon, you’ll see those curveballs coming and, sometimes, hit them right out of the park!

How do you handle life’s curveballs?

Besides being a huge Seattle Mariners fan, Bobbi Emel is a therapist in Los Altos, Ca. Thinking about therapy? Call Bobbi at 650-529-9059 for a free 30-minute consultation or send her a message.

If you like sports at all – or perhaps even if you don’t – you probably remember the incredible 1999 Women’s World Cup Soccer Championship game in which Julie Foudy, Brandi Chastain, Mia Hamm and company battled the Chinese team for 120 minutes and won the epic bout in penalty kicks.

For me, that victory ranks up there with the “Miracle on Ice” of the 1980 USA men’s hockey team and I never thought I would see something like it again.

Until yesterday. Exactly twelve years to the day after the Hamm-led USA women won the World Cup, a new team of American women pulled off another incredible feat. As I watched the match and read more about it online, I noticed these young women using a handful of terrific resiliency skills.

The setup

Yesterday’s quarterfinal match with Brazil started off in an irregular way, setting the tone for the rest of the game. Early in the first half, Brazil’s Daiane inexplicably scored an “own goal” as she became entangled with her goalkeeper trying to fend off a USA shot on goal.

USA 1, Brazil 0.

A series of implausible events

The Americans held the advantage until midway through the second half when a series of implausible events occurred. Brazil’s star, Marta, received a pass close to the American goal and began dribbling it expertly toward the net. USA defender Rachel Buehler dogged her the entire way with both players pushing each other to obtain control of the ball. Marta went down as she shot and Buehler was called for a foul inside the penalty box.

Replays showed the jostling was even between the two players, but it was not surprising when Buehler was assessed the penalty. The surprising thing happened directly after when referee Jacqui Melksham ran up to Bueher and held a red card aloft.

What?

A red card is reserved for particularly egregious fouls and Buehler’s infraction certainly did not fall into that category. The situation now looked like this for the Americans: Not only was Brazil given a penalty kick for the foul occurring within the penalty box, but Buehler was forced to leave the game and the Americans could not replace her. The USA would have to play the rest of the game with 10 players as opposed to Brazil’s 11.

But wait, there’s more . . .

Brazil’s Cristiane took the penalty shot – usually an automatic goal for players of this caliber – but goalkeeper Hope Solo managed to stop the shot with an athletic dive to her left. The joy of the USA players was short-lived as Melksham stopped play and ordered the penalty kick to be replayed. Solo protested and was immediately slapped with a yellow card.

Even today, after hours of expert analysis, no one quite knows what caused the referee to call the first shot invalid. Perhaps it was the one-step encroachment a USA player made as the ball was being struck, even though experts agreed the infringement was miniscule. Nonetheless, the shot was retaken, this time by Marta who drilled home a winner.

USA 1, Brazil 1.

Now, here comes the resiliency part . . .

If it had been me, or perhaps you, my frustration and anger over the unfairness of the situation would have caused me to lose my edge and play terribly. But not this team, not these young American women. Facing adversity, they grew stronger. They allowed their justified anger to sharpen their focus and increase their determination.

Somewhat lackluster before the foul-red-card-penalty-kick-penalty-kick-do-over, the USA began to play in earnest. Down a player, they hustled all over the field, harassing the Brazilians and even getting off some shots on the Brazilian goal. One shot by striker Abby Wambach almost scooted into the far side of the net but the Brazilian keeper was able to get a finger on it and deflect it wide.

The Americans accepted their situation and quickly realized their best hope was to play out the match, keep the Brazilians from scoring in extra time, and make it into the penalty kicks round. All of this while being a player down.

Somehow, the 90-minute regulation period ended in a 1-1 tie.

However, minutes into the first extra-time period, the superb Marta deftly flicked the ball into the goal past Solo’s outstretched fingers.

Brazil 2, USA 1.

Now came a critical decision-making period. How to play the rest of the game. There were still thirteen minutes left in the first overtime half and fifteen minutes in the second half. The Americans needed to score a goal to tie and have any hope of winning the match on penalty kicks. The Brazilians needed to keep their advantage.

The Americans chose to stay calm and stick to their game plan of constant pressure and shots on goal from set plays.

The Brazilians chose to ride out the rest of the game and hope it worked out well for them. The decision turned out to be in error.

While the Americans pressed the obviously tired Brazilians relentlessly, the Brazilians took to stalling to try to run out the clock. Players went down with phantom injuries and sauntered toward the line for throw-ins. At one point, Erika fell to the ground with an injury, taking up a full three minutes while being tended to. Miraculously, after being taken off the field in a stretcher, she hopped up a few seconds later and re-entered the game.

That maneuver would prove to be the Brazilians’ undoing.

Although the game technically should have ended at the 120-minute mark, “stoppage time” was added on, including the three minutes that Erika was on the ground with her “injury.”

The Americans never gave up. Although she had trouble with crossing passes throughout the game, Megan Rapinoe continued to ply her trade and, finally, in the 122^nd minute – seconds before the end of stoppage time – she crossed a ball in front of Brazil’s goal toward Abby Wambach.

Still photos show the millisecond when Wambach’s head connected with the winner. The ball passed only inches over a Brazilian defender’s head as well as the keeper’s outstretched fingers. At last, after many failures – success! Wambach flicked the ball into the net and a new miraculous game legend was born.

The penalty kick phase that took place after stoppage time was almost a moot point as the Americans confidently put all five of their shots in goal. The Brazilians were stopped one time by Hope Solo – who had retained her focus in spite of extreme unfairness earlier – enough for the USA to complete their improbable comeback.

USA 5, Brazil 3.

Afterwards, a stunned and joyful Wambach said, “I think this is what this country is all about . . . we never gave up.”

An epic story of resilience for the ages.

Takeaway points: 1.)You have a choice when facing adversity: You can crumble or accept the situation and grow stronger. 2.) Keep trying, even if you’ve failed in the past. 3.) It’s okay to be angry when something is unfair. Just use that anger to become more focused rather than destructive. 4.) Never give up.

What did you think of the game?

Photo credit: Jason Gulledge

Besides being a big sports fan, I’m also a therapist in Los Altos, Ca. Thinking about therapy? Give me a call at 650-529-9059. Or send me an email.