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Ah, Thanksgiving. Now we’re really into the holidays, aren’t we? Thanksgiving can be a warm and nurturing reunion of family and friends, replete with good food, gratitude, and love.

Or not.

Sometimes Thanksgiving can drum up anxiety, stress, depression, and a host of other emotions we would rather avoid. Here are just a few Thanksgiving scenarios and suggestions for bouncing back if your holiday is not-so-happy.

Being alone

Some folks really enjoy being alone and avoiding the hassle of holidays. If you are one of these people, take advantage of your free time!

If not, here are a few things to do and think about:

• Maybe it really is nice to be by yourself. If you have an extremely busy life, but have suddenly found yourself without plans for Thanksgiving, is it possible you might really like having a bit of down time alone? Take a personal holiday from your to-do list and get to that pile of books you’ve been meaning to read or learn more about that new hobby you want to take up.
• Get out. Go to your favorite restaurant or place where there are people and soak up the vibe.
• Give back. A good perspective-changer is helping those who never have a place to go during the holidays. Maybe you can volunteer at a food bank, church, or other organization that serve homeless people a fine holiday dinner.
• Gain perspective. Remember this is only one day out of the year and you never know what options will be available for you next year. And, tomorrow is a new and totally different day.

Difficult family situations

Have one of those families who always end up arguing at Thanksgiving? Or maybe Uncle Bob drinks too much every year and embarrasses everyone. Or there is the unspoken thought weighing down the day, “This is Thanksgiving and it’s the only time of the year we all get together. The food must be perfect, the décor has to be just so, and everyone WILL get along.” That kind of puts a damper on things, doesn’t it? Everyone walks on eggshells trying too hard to create the perfect day.

Some ideas:

• Focus on the positive. Look for the people in the room who are not adding to the stress. Interact with these people. Stay in the moment as you realize there is at least one person that you are enjoying.
• Stay away from game-playing. Just be yourself. If the hosts and others are buying into the “everything must be perfect” game, you don’t have to play. Crack a joke about the unspoken expectation of perfection to break the ice. You might get everyone else to follow along. And if drunk Uncle Bob starts his shenanigans aimed to push your buttons, pat him on the shoulder a few times, smile and walk off to get more pumpkin pie.
• Gain perspective. Remember, it’s only this one day. You’ll make it until tomorrow. Be on alert for your own thoughts of “This stuff happens every year; I hate it” and make the choice to find a positive to think about.
• Breathe. You know what I mean. Take a breath, let your shoulders drop from their stressed place around your ears, get some perspective.

No problems on Thanksgiving? Take extra care to enjoy!

Maybe you really do have the warm and nurturing Thanksgiving experiences. You can still apply a few of the ideas above to truly relish the day:

• Stay in the moment. This gathering doesn’t happen very often, so be sure to stay right there with the experience. Use your senses to be present: Hear the laughter of family and friends, smell the wonderful food coming from the kitchen, hug and touch your loved ones, savor the taste of the food on your tongue, and look – and really see – the people around you.
• Breathe. Breathe in: smell the delicious aromas wafting around you and take love into your heart. Breathe out: Give thanks for how blessed you are to be in this exceptional place.

Takeaway points: Thanksgiving can be wonderful or it can be a bit of a challenge. Gaining perspective, being mindfully aware, and taking action can all help you have a good holiday.

May your Thanksgiving be blessed in all ways.

Need some help with the holiday blues? I’m therapist in Los Altos, Ca. and am glad to help you bounce back from life’s challenges. Call me at 650-529-9059 or email me for an appointment or free 30-minute consultation.

In lieu of flowe­rs, meals­, care packa­ges, etc., pleas­e hug the peopl­e you love and do a random act of kindn­ess.

That’s what my friend Wendy wants. Her cancer has come back, you know. It had some pretty serious intent the first time around, three years ago, requiring a stem cell transplant. And now it’s back.

Wendy is one of those people that you want to be. A nurse, an early childhood advocate, a community organizer, a real mover-and-shaker. For her “vacations”, she and her husband traveled to third-world countries and built latrines for impoverished communities. She rushed to New Orleans after Katrina to help however she could.

And yes, as you might guess, with this kind of spirit, she is a loving and warm soul. She was the first to welcome my late partner, Ruth, and I into the neighborhood even though we lived in a very conservative town where many of the neighbors really didn’t want our “kind” living among them.

When I received the news that her cancer returned, I was pretty mad. My mind did all sorts of gyrations around “Why?” and “This isn’t fair!” and other thoughts that can’t be mentioned in a family-friendly blog.

And then I read her words about how we can best help: hugs and kindess. Not “stuff.” Not flowers and gifts and food. Not getting mad at the Universe. Leave it to Wendy to boil the important things in this life we live down to their essence: love.

After we sort through all the “stuff” in our lives, what’s left? Love. It’s the bedrock of our lives that we so easily forget as we rush about our days.

So, in this season of thanksgiving, I will honor my friend Wendy – and too many of my other friends with cancer – by hugging and holding tight those I love. And by practicing random acts of kindness,  even when no one’s looking.

Takeaway points: Maybe it sounds like an old saw, but love is it, folks. Love is it.

What about you? What’s it all about for you?

Leave your comments about who you hug and your random acts of kindness and I’ll be sure Wendy gets them.

Courage.

“Okay,” you might be thinking to yourself, “’Courage’ is a likely candidate for resiliency word of the day. Where’s the surprise?”

Yes, courage is very helpful whether bouncing back from a catastrophic event or facing one of life’s daily challenges. And the reason it’s helpful is because courage is about being brave and heroic. Right?

Well . . . maybe not so much. At least, that wasn’t the original definition of courage. First, let’s look at the fine print. Here’s the origin of the word from our old friend, the etymological dictionary:

c.1300, from O.Fr. corage (12c., Mod.Fr. courage) “heart, innermost feelings; temper,” from V.L. *coraticum (cf. It. coraggio, Sp. coraje), from L. cor “heart,” which remains a common metaphor for inner strength. In M.E., used broadly for “what is in one’s mind or thoughts.”

Hmmm. I don’t see “brave” or “heroic” anywhere in there. There are some other interesting ideas among all the acronyms in there, though. I think Dr. Brene Brown has the best description:

The root of the word courage is cor—the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage literally had a very different definition than it does today. Courage originally meant “To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.” Over time, this definition has actually changed, and today, courage is synonymous with being heroic or performing brave deeds.

Ah, courage is more about the heart than deeds, then. So what does this mean for us in our everyday resilient lives?

It means in order to have, as Dr. Brown would say, “ordinary courage”, we need to make sure we express our authentic selves. No hiding behind avoidance or aggression brought on by whispers of past shame. No blocking our true feelings by laughing off a painful remark or agreeing with something we know to be false.

We need ordinary courage because, when push comes to shove, we need to know and believe in the strength and gentleness of who we really are. This is the foundation from which our ability to bounce back grows.

To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart. This is the true meaning of courage.

Takeaway points: Courage isn’t always about being brave . . . it’s really about the heart. Being authentic by feeling and speaking the truth we know inside.

I know it’s sometimes hard for me to acknowledge and speak my truth. How about you?

I practice therapy in Los Altos, Ca., and I would be happy to help you find your own voice and truth. Give me a call at 650-529-9059 or email me for an appointment or a free 30-minute consultation.

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I sometimes run across the phrase “finding your inner strength.” There’s something I don’t like about it. The truth is, you never lost it in the first place. It’s there. You just have to be more aware that you have it.

Many of us have preparedness kits for our homes: water, canned foods, flashlights, blankets, etc. We want to be ready in case a disaster should occur. Being conscious of your internal strength is like having an emotional disaster kit at the ready should you ever face your own personal crisis. So let’s take a look at what’s in your kit to help you be better able to access the strength you already have:

1. Past experiences? Check!

Remember that I just said , “should you ever face your own personal crisis”?

C’mon. You’re human. I know you’ve already faced many personal catastrophes in your lifetime. And you’ve made it through. It may not have been tidy, pretty, or romantic, but somehow, you made it through.

Keep those memories of making it through close to the surface. If you did it once (and I know you’ve probably had to do it more than once), you can do it again.

Take out a piece of paper or your journal. Write at the top of the page I DID IT! Then describe the times that you have had to overcome adversity and how you did it. Keep these notes handy so you can keep the memories of your resiliency fresh.

2. Great personal qualities? Check!

On another piece of paper write at the top The Good Stuff About Me.

Now list all of the great qualities about yourself that you can think of. Maybe your list might look something like this:

Honest

Have integrity

Creative problem-solver

Conscientious

Able to ask for help

Loving

Resourceful

Not afraid to show or share my emotions

And that’s just the beginning. I’m sure there are many more and different qualities you can note about yourself.

If you have some trouble or find yourself thinking “yeah, but . . .” to anything on the list, it just means you’re not used to claiming your strength. Ask a close friend or loved one to help you name the qualities you may not see in yourself. Or do this activity together with each person making their own list. Then share and confirm the qualities you see in each other.

3. People to rely on? Check!

It might seem kind of odd that inner strength would include relying on other people. But knowing you have people in your corner generates a feeling of security which, in turn, increases self-confidence. Of course, the more confident you are, the stronger you are and, thus, more able to handle disasters as they come up.

So get out one more piece of paper, this one titled People In My Corner. List all of the people you know you can turn to in a big emotional disaster for emotional support. (There are probably others who you could also call for the little stuff in life. You might want to make a subset of these folks on your list.)

If you’re able to list two or more names – great! If not, you might think about how you can expand your list a bit more. Maybe it’s time to let people in a little closer to you than you have in the past.

Making these three lists will help you remember your inner strength (rather than find it.) Look at your lists at least once a month to be prepared!

Takeaway points: You have inner strength that’s always there; you don’t have to “find it.” However, it helps to bring the specifics of your inner strength preparedness kit to the surface so that you don’t have to fish around for it when needed. Three simple lists can help you be ready for any disaster!

What’s in your kit that isn’t mentioned here? Do you use these tools in your kit?

Photo courtesy of Global X.

I’m a therapist in Los Altos, Ca., and I’m happy to help you with any emotional disasters that arise. Call me at 650-529-9059 or email me for a free 30-minute consultation.

With Thanksgiving rapidly approaching, I’m seeing many reminders about gratitude and being thankful. One friend on Facebook has decided to post something that she is grateful for each day. While I’m sure the same good-natured grumps who longed for all the online Halloween shenanigans to stop will soon convey the same attitude toward public displays of thanksgiving, I love the prompting to be grateful.

Gratitude has so many benefits to personal well-being and healthy relationships that it is too bad so many of us, myself included, forget to claim it more often. An important study* from 2003 shows how clearly gratitude is linked to resiliency:

• Gratitude not only helps the individual to feel good, it inspires us to do nice things for each other which leads to more and stronger friendships.

• The positive emotions generated by gratitude lead to a more flexible mindset.

• Both of the above provide for greater and deeper resources that we can access during times of adversity and stress.

“Gratitude is a form of love,” say the authors of the study and, in another paper, suggest that “Gratitude provides life meaning, by encapsulating life itself as a gift.”**

So, given that gratitude is a really important part of contentment and joy in life, how can we become aware of it more often?

Like a lot of people, I get a little tired of the chirpy “Have an attitude of gratitude” and the maintenance of gratitude lists. (Not that there’s anything wrong with either of them!) However, I stumbled upon a simple way to not only remember to be grateful, but to notice what I’m thankful for in the moment. My friend, Tovi, sent me the link to a blog post by Kelle Hampton in which the author wonders about how to teach gratitude to her young daughters.

If I asked Lainey to explain gratitude, she’d be stumped. But if I asked her to tell me what her favorite thing about today was, she’d pause and smile while she thought, and then she might begin by describing how cold the ocean was when she stepped past the foamy line that married sand with sea.

And so, Hampton and her daughters will often say “What I love about right now is . . .” Maybe it’s a cloud shaped like a bunny or the feel of ice cream on your tongue on a hot day.

I love this. It’s simple and it’s beautiful. Try it.

So, what I love about right now is . . .

. . . the silence of the house save for the rhythmic ticking of my beloved clocks on the wall.

. . . the way my cat sits beside my keyboard on the desk, watching me, blinking her green-yellow eyes slowly with contentment.

. . . feeling healthy and strong.

. . . having you to share these thoughts with.

What do you love about right now?

Takeaway points: Gratitude is one of those things that is scientifically proven to create health and well-being in our lives. But we don’t always have to carry lists around with us; sometimes we can just notice what we love about right now.

*Emmons, R.A. and McCullough, M.E. (2003). Counting Blessings Versus Burdens: An Experimental Investigation of Gratitude and Subjective Well-Being in Daily Life. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(2), 377-389.

**Emmons R.A., Shelton C.S. Gratitude and the science of positive psychology. (2002). In: Snyder CR, Lopez SJ, editors. Handbook of Positive Psychology. New York: Oxford Univ. Press; pp. 459–471.

Want to cultivate more gratitude in your life or find gratitude in the midst of adversity? Give me a call at 650-529-9059 or email me for a therapy appointment.

I sat cross-legged on the sidewalk, head down, my upper body hunched over as tightly as possible trying to ease the driving pain in my lower abdomen. My breath came in shallow, raspy gasps and my damp, clammy skin stuck to the lining of my jacket. I knew I was white as a sheet because my head felt light and bloodless.

Unable to raise my head for fear of passing out, I could only turn it slightly to the right to see the sideways shapes of people passing by several feet away on the main street. Some of them turned to look at me then snapped their heads back so they could tell themselves they hadn’t really seen my crumpled figure.

“Why isn’t someone stopping to help?” I wondered with a mounting sense of desperation.

I tried to call Marie, the friend I left back in the bookstore when I went out to walk around to “get rid of the gas” I thought was building in my guts, but I couldn’t get through.

Finally, I saw – sideways – a young couple walking by. The woman looked at me and practiced the familiar head-snapping technique. However, the young man gazed at me a little longer. Maybe . . .

“Excuse me,” I said weakly, turning my head as far as I could towards him, “Can you help me?”

He stopped, looked at the woman a few steps ahead of him, then came toward me. I explained that I was sick and really needed my friend who was in the bookstore. She was a nurse and would know what to do. I described Marie to him and he said he would try to find her. He rejoined the young woman who was cautiously peeking around the corner at us and they left in the direction of the bookstore.

I hunched over again, wondering whether I was going to vomit, pass out, or both. I had never felt such pain before. A few minutes earlier, I had been walking along the street looking for a market to buy some anti-gas medication. Suddenly, the “gas pain” had intensified so sharply that I thought I was going to faint. I needed to sit down immediately but I had the surreal thought that I shouldn’t sit right here because I was right next to several tables of outdoor diners. I didn’t want to ruin their lunches by throwing up or passing out in front of them, so I went a few steps around a corner and crumpled into a heap.

And now here I was, hoping fervently that the young couple would be able to find Marie. More shapes passed by as I hung my head low over my legs. I was aware that I was barely able to get air into my lungs because any movement in my torso caused the pain to spike.

I heard a commotion and Marie came charging around the corner with the young couple. “What’s going on? What are your symptoms?” she barked at me. I knew that my ashen, sweaty form frightened her, but the barking wasn’t helping.

I gasped out my symptoms to her and was aware of a small crowd starting to form. There were feet in a semicircle all around me. People had finally started to notice that I was in crisis. And yet, they were just feet. Their voices came from above me: “What’s going on? Should we call an ambulance? Is anyone a doctor?”

I still was the only one on the sidewalk. I felt like I must have looked: a pathetic, lonely figure bent nearly in two, sitting among a crowd of people towering over me.

The arc of feet finally decided that one of them would go get his car to take me to the hospital. I gasped for air and shuddered as the pain intensified. I longed for some respite from this hell that was my guts and this sidewalk.

And then I felt someone on my left, kneeling very close to me. A hand was placed tenderly on my back and a very kind, gentle man’s voice said, “Just try to breathe. It always helps me. Breathe . . . you can do it . . . there you go.” His comforting touch and soothing words persuaded me to try to relax. I took a deeper breath and unclenched my fists. Just having him beside me, feeling the presence of a caring soul down with me on that sidewalk gave me hope. The pain in my abdomen was the same, but with this man kneeling next to me, I felt safer and started to think I might be okay.

I couldn’t turn my head to look at him, but I imagined that my hero was a therapist, or a clergyman, or just a kind businessman walking by who saw someone in not only physical, but emotional, need. He was probably a family man, handsome, and a pillar in the community.

When the car pulled up along the sidewalk, the feet parted and the man beside me took my left arm in his hand and put his right arm around my waist. He slowly but firmly pulled me to a standing, but still bent over, position and then helped me into the car. I never saw his face.

***********************************************************

Later, much later, after surgery revealed I had severe endometriosis with a ruptured cyst rather than the metastatic ovarian cancer that my doctor and I feared, Marie and I recalled the day I collapsed on the sidewalk.

“You know what’s strange?” I mused, “Everyone just stood around me. No one got down on the ground with me to really be with me. It was like they were all afraid or something. Until that man came along. He knelt right beside me and, I don’t know . . . his presence was just so . . .” I paused trying to find the right words, “serene and peaceful. I wish I could find him again – I want to thank him for being so caring. I wonder who he was?”

“Oh, him?” Marie shrugged. “That was some homeless guy.”

*************************************************************

Each of us, even those on the fringes of our society, have gifts to bring to our common “village.” While the well-meaning, but detached, upstanding citizens hovered around and above me, a shabby man from the streets who truly knew the experience of pain got right down with me, lending comfort and peace.

I needed that homeless guy. Don’t we all?

Takeaway points: Even those who are invisible to us or on the margins of our community have special gifts that we need to strengthen our “village.”

What’s your takeaway from this story?

My colleague, Renee Lamborn, and I sat at a local coffeehouse the other day, sipping our espresso drinks and swapping work stories. We were talking about how parents of special needs kids can feel quite isolated at times. I told her about my stepsister who has a teenager with Asperger’s. My stepsister still hasn’t met any other parents of kids with the syndrome, even after years of seeking out and using supportive services.

Renee then told me about talking with a woman, the mother of a special needs kid, who enlisted Renee’s help as a special education advocate. The woman had been trying to advocate for her child in the school system herself and was completely overwhelmed. She felt alone and as though no one understood her. Renee’s vast experience and understanding nature helped the woman feel supported immediately. After she got off the phone with Renee, the woman burst into tears.

“What’s wrong?” her husband asked, concerned.

“Nothing is wrong,” the woman wept, “It’s just that I finally found an ally.“

I smiled. Community activator Bruce Anderson long ago taught me the importance of the ally role in working with people on the margins of society. I remember him teaching a seminar on recovery from chronic psychiatric disability at the mental health clinic where I worked at the time. He was telling a story about a group of clients who experienced severe mental illnesses and yet were doing very well in their communities.

“What do you think was the number one factor that the clients themselves named as the most important in their recovery?” Bruce asked us.

“Effective medications?” someone suggested.

“Learning social skills?” ventured another.

After several more guesses, Bruce said, “Those are all really good ideas, but the number one factor the clients pointed to was the presence of a person in their lives who believed in them and stuck with them throughout their journey with their illness.“

After Renee told me her story about the mother weeping in relief because she found someone who understood her, I smiled and felt tears welling in my eyes. I remembered the comfort I felt from my cousin who doggedly stuck by me after my partner died. I still think I probably would not have made it through without her.

Moms of special needs kids, people with chronic mental illness, and those who are lost in grief all need allies. But don’t we all? Life is about the big stuff and the little stuff, the huge mountains and deep valleys as well as the everyday rises and dips. Knowing we have an ally helps us make it through any terrain in life.

Who is your ally?

And maybe more importantly, can you be an ally for someone else?

Takeaway points: An ally is someone who will see you through the tough spots in life and stick with you. You may not see them or talk to them everyday, but just knowing they are there makes all the difference. Engaging in life requires us to both have an ally and be one to somebody else.

Looking for an ally? I’m happy to help you through life’s ups and downs. Call me at 650-529-9059 or email me for an appointment.

Mucking around the internet in my constant quest for cool stuff about resiliency, I came upon the work of Dr. Kristin Neff.  I am adding her work on an important component of acceptance, self-compassion, to my list of research to follow along with Barbara Fredrickson’s work on positivity and Brene Brown’s shame resilience research.

Dr. Neff not only studies self-compassion in a scholarly setting, but has life experience to weave in as well. Her son, Rowan, has autism and her and her husband’s ability to accept, rather than resist, his diagnosis led to them discovering the healing powers of horses in his life. Their story is the subject of the book, The Horse Boy.

Neff believes that self-compassion is made up of three things:

1. Mindfulness

Rather than being tossed about by your own thoughts and feelings, holding a stance of merely being aware of them without passing judgment is a key component of mindfulness. How often do you find yourself frustrated or angry but unsure why? It’s because you are doing what most of us do: going through the day quite unaware of what we are really thinking or feeling.

Taking a moment several times during your day to stop and check in with yourself is a great first step toward mindfulness. How are you feeling? What are you thinking about? Breathe!

2. Common humanity

Ever feel like you’re the only one who is going through something? Maybe it’s a small thing like a bad habit or a more impactful experience such as having a special needs kid or losing your job. For some reason, it’s human nature to think we’re the only ones who have these problems. Realizing that we share everything from bad habits to special needs kids to job loss with other people puts us in the same boat and encourages mutual support rather than isolation.

3. Kindness

I vividly remember sitting in a grief support group listening to a man berate himself about what he “should” have done to prevent his wife from dying. “I should have known she wasn’t acting herself . . . I should have taken her to the hospital sooner . . . I should have . . .” he sobbed. Finally, one of the facilitators put her hand on his. He took a breath and looked at her. With the utmost kindness in her eyes, she said softly, “Have mercy.”

Self-kindness and sympthy toward oneself is a necessary ingredient to healing and self-compassion.

While the pursuit of high self-esteem is tenuous and has actually been shown to cause problems with competition and aggression, Neff says that, with self-compassion, “whether we’re on top of the world or at the bottom of the heap, we can embrace ourselves with a sense of kindness, connectedness and emotional balance.”

Takeaway points: Self-compassion is a part of accepting what is going on in your life and being kind to yourself about it. Mindfulness, the idea of common humanity, and kindness are components we can practice to treat ourselves more gently, a needed tool in our resiliency toolkit.

Is it easy or hard for you to practice self-compassion?