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After my partner, Ruth, died in 2004, I found solace in a most unusual source. Our sixteen-year-old calico cat, Daisy.

Now, I know pets are often a great source of comfort to us, but Daisy was special. She was blind. I always thought I would need to take care of her after she suddenly lost her sight for some unknown reason when she was about fifteen. “Sometimes this just happens to older cats,” our vet had said at the time, shrugging her shoulders.

But Daisy didn’t really need any extra care. When I moved shortly after Ruth died, my cousin and I taught Daisy how to make a particularly tricky trek through the new house to her litter box by leading her with the smell of pungent treats. But other than that, Daisy easily found her way around, bumping her nose gently along the walls until her routine became established.

Not only did Daisy not need extra care, she often took care of me. My tears brought her to me rather than scaring her away. A loving cat, she often lay on my lap, purring with utter contentment at her blissful moment of connection with me.

Daisy inspired me as well as comforted me. One day, I lay on my bed, feeling hopeless about the intense pain of grief that seemed endless. Daisy bumped her way into the room and then curled up on my stomach, purring as always.

After awhile, she decided on a change of venue so she rose and made her way to the edge of the bed. I watched as she inched along until she felt the mattress curve away. Then she leapt down and ventured off into another room.

Watching her, I realized what courage it took for her to leap into space without being able to see what was in front of her. I reached for a pen and piece of paper and this haiku came forth:

Daisy leaps downward

Unable to see the floor

Faith guides ev’ry step

Her courageous leap helped me understand that, even though I couldn’t see the end to my grief, perhaps faith would guide my steps as well. And although I lacked her confidence, I eventually found my way into a new normal, bumping along the rough edges of life.

Daisy died as peacefully as she had lived. And I remain grateful to her for her tender companionship during my dark days and for her enduring lessons of faith, joy, and complete contentment in each moment.

Takeaway points: Sometimes we have to leap into the unknown with the faith that something will help us land, even if we can’t see it.

What have you learned from your four-legged companions?

Having trouble seeing where you’re going to land? I’m glad to help you develop your everyday, ordinary courage. Call me at 650-529-9059 or email me to set up a therapy appointment.

Did you know there’s a great way to calm yourself down during holiday madness and really enjoy the season at the same time? It’s called grounding.

One of the main reasons we experience stress during the holidays is because we are thinking, perceiving, and yes, perhaps even ruminating, about presents to buy, food to prepare, and making everything just perfect.

Of course, thinking, perceiving, and ruminating are all located in the mind. We get so caught up in what’s going on “out there” (our minds) that we forget about what’s happening “in here” (our bodies.)

Grounding helps bring us back to what is happening in the current moment by utilizing our five senses. This has two delightful effects during the holidays: It helps to give our busy minds a break and we get to really indulge in the pleasures of the season.

Here are some suggestions for grounding yourself during this busy time of year:

Smell

Take a big breath in through your nose, noticing what you smell. If you’re inside, do you notice the scent of the Christmas tree, the pie in the oven, or the cookies on the counter?

If you’re outside, see if you can smell the nip in the air or the scent of the turning leaves.

Sight

Notice the way the Hanukkah candle flickers and dances when someone walks by.

Keep your eye on one snowflake as it floats softly from the sky to the ground.

Sit quietly for a moment and really see your family and the people at your holiday party.

Touch

When you are in your kitchen and feel the stress rising, stop for a moment and put your hand on the kitchen counter. Notice how cool it is, how smooth.

Hug your child and feel the texture of her clothes and the warmth of her body.

While wrapping presents, pay attention to how the paper feels on your fingertips as you make a crease. Notice the stickiness of the tape as you apply it.

Take a deep breath in and feel your chest and belly expand. Notice your skin as your clothes gently rub against it on your exhale.

Hearing

Listen to the difference in people’s voices around the holidays. Do you notice a tinge of excitement? Anxiety? Joy?

During holiday meals, listen to the buzz around the table, the clinking of dishes, the sounds of gustatory delight.

After a holiday get-together, sit in your favorite chair and notice the more subtle sounds of the clock ticking, the crackle of the fireplace, the hum of the heater, and the particular creaks and noises of a house settling in for the night.

Taste

I saved the best for last! There’s nothing like the taste of the holidays, but how often do you actually take the time to savor it?

This year, feel the texture of the latkes on your tongue.

Notice the smooth creaminess of the pumpkin pie and the hint of cinnamon on your taste buds.

How does that eggnog feel on your lips? And what do your lips taste like when you lick the delicious concoction from them?

 

Takeaway points: There are so many sights, sounds, smells, feelings, and tastes of the season that we let pass by. This year, enjoy them more by really noticing them. I know you’ll also find that your stress level will decrease as you find yourself not in your head, but in your body and in the moment.

 

From my family to yours, enjoy the holidays!

I was standing in line at the checkout counter of a busy store earlier today. People juggled armloads full of Christmas gifts as they waited in the queue. The couple behind me chatted in Spanish. A man who had actually made it up to the cashier was being a jerk and loudly berating the cashier for some unknown transgression. A woman walked by with an angry look on her face which turned even uglier when she saw the length of the line.

Shifting my weight to my other foot as I waited, I let out a sigh. Andrea and I have yet to put up a tree, a menorah, lights, or anything indicative of the season. It’s been a tough month with the loss of our 19-year-old cat on one day followed by the loss of Andrea’s close friend, Cathy, the next. And then we topped that off with news that a very dear friend of mine has had her ovarian cancer return after years of remission.

I wrote to my sister the other day: My ho-ho-ho has turned into oh-oh-oh.

As I stood there in line observing people who were struggling with the holiday spirit, too, I was determined not to be drawn into their negative space. I started humming along with the familiar holiday tune that was piped in through the store’s audio system.

After awhile, I realized that someone else was humming, too. The Latina lady behind me was humming to the music and, unknowingly, along with me as well. I smiled as we shared this moment of unity. We couldn’t speak each other’s language, but we certainly could sing together and savor even a small gift from standing in a line at a crowded store.

As I left the store after making my purchases, I thought about that tiny moment with my unknown singing partner. I felt a connection to her just through a common thing we all do – humming along to music. I know if I had turned around, we would have shared a smile as well.

The grumpy man and angry woman in the line had me focusing on what was wrong with this holiday season, but the woman behind me reminded me what was right. Holidays are rituals and they are meant to be communal, meant to unify us and remind us of our shared humanity no matter what language we speak or what mood we’re in.

Hmmm . . . maybe I will get out some of our holiday décor after all.

Takeaway points: It’s really easy to get caught up in the aspects of the holiday season that are difficult. If you look around a little, you might find some unexpected gifts. Great tool for your special Holiday Resiliency Toolkit!

How are the holidays for you?

Need some help through the holidays? Give me a call at 650-529-9059 or email me for a therapy appointment or free 30-minute consult.

I recently heard a story where some elite athletes achieved record times in their races, but were still unhappy because they had only shaved one-hundredth of a second off their time instead of the one-tenth of a second they were shooting for.

It brought up the question of whether it’s okay to to be upset when you fail to reach your goal. Shouldn’t we just tell ourselves and others, “It’s okay – you tried. It’s all about the process”?

I had to chew on this for awhile because, as regular readers of this blog know, I’m a big proponent of experiencing and valuing the process.

Then, serendipitously, this morning I received Doug Toft’s newest blog post, “Resolving the Tension Between Self-Acceptance and Self-Improvement.” He dissects essentially the same thing I had been thinking about: Which is more important – constantly improving or embracing the philosophy of being perfect just the way we are?

I think Doug has the right answer to this question: Yes.

He writes:

Stop holding self-acceptance and self-improvement as opposites and forcing ourselves to choose one or the other. Instead, see them both as part of an underlying change process.

Self-acceptance does not stop us from changing. In fact, acceptance—non-judgmental self-awareness—promotes positive change.

In order to be in an elite category, athletes must hold themselves to an extremely high standard. They have to maintain a certain level of stress that impels them to perform at their best. So it makes sense that they would be chagrined when, even if they do well, they fall short of their own expectations.

I think the problem for them – and for all of us – is when we equate achievements, goals, and self-improvement with our intrinsic self-worth. This is the stumbling block.

Does recording a race time of 22:54 instead of the 22:44 she is aiming for mean an athlete is an unworthy person? When we non-athletes are trying to improve ourselves in some way and we fall short, does that decrease our worthiness as a person? Of course not.

Does the athlete have the right to be upset with herself about her time? Is it okay if we are frustrated that we did not achieve what we set out to do?

Yes, because allowing disappointment and frustration to be motivating forces can be a good thing. And taking responsibility for ourselves and our actions is definitely a good thing.

The problem arrives when we hold judgments about ourselves that lead us to believe we are somehow fundamentally flawed because we did not achieve our goal. And that, my friend, is just not the case.

So, as Doug reminds us, this is really not an ‘either-or proposition’ – either I achieve my goal or I give up on goals and just accept myself – it’s a ‘both-and’ proposition: I both can strive for my goal and accept myself for the intrinsically worthy person I am.

Takeaway points: Although we often receive the message that it’s okay not to achieve a goal (and it really is), it’s also okay to have high expectations and allow the frustration of not meeting that goal motivate you. The key is to make sure you don’t get achievement mixed up with your own intrinsic worth.

What are your thoughts about achievement and self-acceptance?

Burn–out ‘b?rn-?aut : exhaustion of physical or emotional strength or motivation usually as a result of prolonged stress or frustration.

Feeling exhausted? Numb? Helpless? It may not just be from Christmas shopping, you might actually be suffering from a case of burnout.

Most of the research on burnout has been in the domain of work, but burnout can occur in just about any area of our lives. The leading researcher in the field, Berkeley professor Christina Maslach, has defined three dimensions of burnout:

1. Exhaustion. I’m an avid crossworder and when the clue is “exhausted”, the answer inevitably is “used up.” That’s what exhaustion feels like – being used up. It describes both physical and emotional depletion.

2. Depersonalization. Referring to burnout among human services workers, Maslach writes:

Depersonalization is an attempt to put distance between oneself and service recipients by actively ignoring the qualities that make them unique and engaging people . . . Outside of the human services, people use cognitive distancing by developing an indifference or cynical attitude when they are exhausted and discouraged.

So depersonalization distances us from other people – especially the ones who exhaust us – and generates a cynical attitude.

3. Inefficacy. This refers to a reduced sense of personal accomplishment. It either feels like you’re not getting things done no matter how hard you try, you just don’t have the time and resources available to complete the tasks you are expected to do, or you rarely get any positive feedback for what you are doing.

So, this is a pretty nasty trio: Feeling used up, cynical, and ineffective/unappreciated. You may have had a job where you experienced this, but I’m sure you can also see where burnout can occur in other spheres, too. I referred kiddingly to Christmas shopping earlier, but even the holidays can bring on a case of burnout. Too much stress to have things “perfect,” get that just-right gift, and meet high expectations of family and friends can  make you feel fatigued and as though you are just spinning your wheels.

Because Maslach mostly studies burnout in work environments, she has found that changing organizational dynamics is more effective in counteracting burnout than for only the individual to try to change his attitude about the job.

However, given that burnout can occur just about anywhere from the job to the family to seasonal celebrations, let’s look at some things you can do to prevent burnout from creeping up on you.

1. Pay attention to yourself. It’s easy to get so caught up in the world and what needs to be done in it that you end up being alienated from your own experience. Ask yourself these questions:

• How does my body feel? Am I tired? Do I have enough energy?
• How am I feeling emotionally? Am I getting cynical? Am I being snarky with others?
• Am I overwhelmed? Do I feel like things are piling up to the degree that I’ll never be able to catch up? Do I feel appreciated for what I do?

2. Ask yourself if it’s worth it. Is what you are doing worth the physical and emotional drain on your body and mind? When it comes to a job, sometimes we don’t have much choice, but if you are feeling burned out in other areas of your life, does it really matter so much that it’s worth harming yourself emotionally and physically? Burnout is all about stress, you know, and the detrimental effects of stress on health are well known.

3. What if you didn’t . . .? What would happen if you didn’t do whatever it is that is stressing you out? Would the sky fall in if you didn’t make Christmas fudge this year, didn’t volunteer at your son’s school for a few weeks or months, didn’t pack every hour of the work day with clients? If you took a day off to read a book or watch movies all day, would you really get that far behind?

4. Be assertive. Yes, I’m sure you sensed this one was coming: Just say no. It’s okay. When Junior’s teacher asks you to be the parent monitor at his class’s holiday party (for the umpteenth time because she knows you’ll say yes), say, “I’m glad to bring cookies for the party, but I can’t be the monitor.” That’s it. No need for an excuse. Just “I can’t.”

If you’re feeling ineffective or overwhelmed, ask for feedback and express your need  for acknowledgement of your efforts to your family, friends, or others. Really, it’s okay.

At work, it’s not a particularly good idea to say “no” or “I can’t”; instead, you may want to sit down with your boss and express your concerns about your work load or unreasonable expectations you feel from management. Talk to him about your symptoms of burnout – exhaustion, cynicism, and/or feeling ineffective and helpless. Ask for feedback on how you are doing at your job.

5. Don’t ‘should’ on yourself. Please don’t allow burnout to happen to you because of ‘shoulds.’ “I should be able to handle this.” “I shouldn’t feel this way.” Notice how you are feeling physically and emotionally, honor your feelings, and take action to cut burnout off at the pass.

Takeaway points: Burnout can happen just about anywhere in our lives. Become familiar with the symptoms of it and pay attention to your own experience of your body and mind so you can nip it in the bud.

What burns you out and how do you handle it?

Reference: Maslach, C., Schaufeli, W.B., & Leiter, M.P. (2001) Job Burnout. Annual Review of Psychology, 52, 397-422. http://bit.ly/uumO04

Feeling burnt out? I have practice therapy in Los Altos, Ca. and I’m glad to help you get your bounce back! Call me at 650-529-9059 or email me for an appointment or a free 30-minute consultation.

I don’t know how many times Cathy insisted, “It’s not about the Q, Andrea,” leaving silent the obvious message – “It’s about the process of getting to that Q.”  I told her I “got” the message, but it didn’t really sink in until now. I was still consumed with getting that coveted Q. (Q is short for Qualifying, which means you and your dog get a ribbon and a notch on your belt towards a title in a dog performance sport.) Now that I don’t have my mentor, trainer, rescue colleague and friend to brag to about scoring a Q, I finally GET IT. And I see it as the metaphor she intended it to be… a metaphor for life.

My partner, Andrea, wrote the passage above in tribute to our friend, Cathy, who passed away last week.

Ah, the constant quest to get this lesson and keep it in the forefront: Life is about the middle parts, not some result “out there.” We hear this all the time and send poems like The Dash to each other.

But how, exactly, do we do this? How do we keep it in the front of our minds to really live the middle parts?

I wish there was an easy answer to these questions.

After Cathy was diagnosed with non-smoker’s lung cancer a few months ago, Andrea and I sat with her and talked about death and life. Cathy, a retired ecology professor, had always taken a no-nonsense scientist’s approach to life. The data were what mattered. Now, with cancer riddled throughout her body, she had learned to meditate. And she never in her life felt more peaceful and more alive than when she meditated. She radiated serenity and contentment as she told us what she had learned – that she had spent too much time in her life worrying about the outcomes and not paying attention to living. That this time of her life when she was terminally ill was the best she had ever felt spiritually and emotionally.

“Cathy, how can we learn this lesson without having a life-threatening illness?” I asked her.

“You know, Bobbi,” she said, leaning back on her sofa, “I’ve thought about that and . . . I really don’t know. I wish I did.”

I don’t know, either. All I can say is we need to somehow remember. And to remind each other as often as possible that it’s not about the Q, it’s about what you’re doing to get there. It’s the middle parts.

Andrea closed her tribute by writing directly to Cathy:

Cathy, I know I wrote this too late for you to read with physical eyes, but I had to write it anyway. You gave me the gift of being able to see you at your house last week.  I’m so glad I got to tell you how much you’ve meant to me and hug and kiss you one last time. But what I didn’t tell you is that I understand about the Q. Damn it. I truly do.  What I understand is that YOU’VE Q’D IN LIFE. You’ve made a huge, first rate, first class, awesome and spectacular Qualifying run in this life. And I am so honored to have been a witness and participant. Rest in peace, my dear friend.

In loving memory of Catherine Toft, PhD.

Takeaway points: Somehow, we need to be aware of life at this moment – the dash, the middle parts, working toward the Q – not the Q itself. As so many sages have said: It’s about the journey, not the destination.

This is a toughie – trying to figure out how to live in each moment. What are your ideas?

Ruminate. From Latin ruminari, to chew the cud.

Ever find yourself going over a problem in your mind again and again and . . . again? Or talking out loud to your friend ad nauseum about some quandary, reviewing the myriad possible solutions until her eyes roll back in her head?

You, dear reader, are ruminating. Like a cow with its cud, you are chewing on something, swallowing it, bringing it back up to chew on it more, swallowing it, bringing it up to chew again . . .

Good for cows, not so good for us

If you’re a cow (a ruminant), ruminating is a good thing. Cud-chewing helps break down the food so the cow can digest it better through the compartments of its stomach.

Humans, though, are missing a vital component of this process when we mentally ruminate. We tend to add on to the problem rather than break it down for better digestion. So you might come up with multiple angles on the problem, a variety of different solutions, or even thoughts about how the whole predicament could spiral out of control and become a big catastrophe.

Is the problem solved? No. Even though you think you are solving the problem by chewing on it endlessly, studies show that ruminators actually have more difficulty solving problems than non-ruminators. Additionally, although ruminators are most likely to say they want social support for help with problem-solving, they are least likely to get it, because people don’t like to be around someone who is ruminating.

So, what to do if you have bovine tendencies and chew your cud a bit too much?

1. Become aware of your ruminating.

You might not even know you are chewing on issues incessantly. Take a minute right now to think about how you usually solve problems. Do you size up the situation succinctly, develop a number of valid solutions, then pick one and solve the issue? Or do you run it around in your mind so much that it keeps you up at night? Do you notice that others get impatient with you or sigh a lot when you’re talking about a problem? It’s possible you are a ruminator.

2. Develop effective problem-solving skills.

One of the problems ruminators have is that they either don’t possess good problem-solving skills in general or they get anxious that the selected solution won’t work. Develop a sound problem-solving strategy such as the one briefly mention in the point above, then take a risk and try just one of the solutions that you have come up with. If it doesn’t work, try another one. But don’t fret about which one to use until you freeze and don’t do anything other than going back to ruminating. The idea is to try to increase your confidence in your ability to problem-solve and to learn that choosing a solution that doesn’t work is not the end of the world.

3. Ask your friends to help.

Pick one or two close friends or family members and ask them to gently point out when you are ruminating. Remember, unlike our friend the cow, ruminating really doesn’t get you anywhere and it can make you feel much worse so it’s not a behavior you want to keep in your repertoire. If you’re having difficulty becoming confident with your problem-solving process, ask your friend to help you develop one that you are comfortable with.

4. Take a tiny risk and try letting go.

You’ve got a death grip on this problem and you’re not going to let go of it until it’s done. As Dr. Phil would say, “How’s that workin’ for ya?”

Ruminating is an attempt to over-control something and I know it’s really scary to let go of control. But just take a tiny risk and let go of it for a set period of time. Tell yourself you’re not going to think about it for an hour. Okay, fifteen minutes. When it pops into your head, take a big breath and let the thought go with the exhale. See how that feels. You might be a little anxious, but notice that the sky didn’t fall even though you weren’t mentally chewing on the problem.

Let’s leave cud-chewing to the cows.

Takeaway points: Ruminating is going over the same thing again and again in your mind to the point of your own distraction and everyone else’s. It’s an attempt to problem-solve by over-controlling that only adds to your misery. Instead, try to become aware of your own brand of cud-chewing and let go a little. Ask your friend or family member to help. You’ll both be glad you did!

Study cited: Murray Law, B. (2005). Probing the depression-rumination cycle, Monitor on Psychology, 36(10), 38. http://www.apa.org/monitor/nov05/cycle.html

Need some help learning to let go? I practice therapy in Los Altos, Ca., and am happy to help. Give me a call at 650-529-9059 or email me for a free 30-minute consultation or a therapy appointment.

You might notice there are only three quotes this month rather than the usual five. A couple of them are a little longer so I thought three would suffice.

While the second and third quotes are a bit lengthier than usual, I want you to take time to read and savor them because this month the theme is about that very thing – savoring life. It’s so easy to get caught up in the hoopla of the holiday season. My hope for you is that these thoughts will help you to bounce away from stress and toward more meaning and joy.

Dig in!

1. Richard Wagner

Joy is not in things; it is in us.

2. Alan Watts

No one imagines that a symphony is supposed to improve the quality as it goes along, or that the whole object of playing it is to reach the finale.  The point of music is discovered in every moment of playing and listening to it.

It is the same, I feel, with the greater part of our lives, and if we are unduly absorbed in improving them we may forget altogether to live them.

3. James Carroll

We spend most of our time and energy in a kind of horizontal thinking.  We move along the surface of things going from one quick base to another, often with a frenzy that wears us out.  We collect data, things, people, ideas, “profound experiences,” never penetrating any of them…

But there are other times.  These are times when we stop.  We sit still.  We lose ourselves in a pile of leaves or its memory.  We listen and breezes from a whole other world begin to whisper.  Then we begin our “going down.”

Takeaway points: We experience more of life and true joy when we become still for a moment and direct our attention within.

What do you think Carroll means by “going down?”

Need help finding meaning and joy within? I practice therapy in Los Altos, Ca. and am glad to guide you on your path of inner exploration. Give me a call at 650-529-9059 or email me for a free 30-minute consultation or therapy appointment.

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