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Gettin’ old ain’t for sissies. – Various sources including my elderly neighbor.

Several months ago while visiting my ninety-eight-year-old grandmother, I knelt down next to her chair and looked her in the eyes.

“Grandma,” I said with mock seriousness, “I think you’re finally getting old.”

She laughed. “Well, yes, I think I finally am!”

In some ways, I wasn’t kidding. My grandmother has always been active and fit, gleefully turning a somersault for her five-year-old great-grandson when she was seventy-five. Taking care of “the old people” at her senior apartment complex well into her late eighties. Buzzing around the crowded room for her ninety-fifth birthday party, chatting and joking with her friends.

Then, suddenly, she got old. Her voice weakened and she finally started using a walker for balance. I could see the difference in her eyes: Once bright and curious, they now had softened into a gaze of subtle resignation.

“Grandma,” I asked her, “Do you want to live to be a hundred?”

She thought about it for a moment.

“Well, I do,” she said with a mischievous glint returning to her eyes, “But I don’t want to live the two years in between to get there!”

How do old people adapt?

That weekend of my visit, I continued to watch her and think about her long, long life. Always an in-command person, what must it be like for her now that she is, as researchers term it, “the oldest of the old” and having to rely on others?

Of course, it made me turn to the research to learn about resiliency and the elderly. How do they adapt to the aging process with its cascading losses – physical, mental, and personal? How do they bounce back?

In my reading, I found some resiliency skills of the elderly that can teach us younger people a few lessons.

Lessons from the elderly

First of all, the elderly use similar resiliency skills as the rest of us: social support, acceptance, using different perspectives, problem-solving. But they put a special spin on these skills. They seem more adaptive to me.

For example, there is a characteristic that is helpful in successful aging called flexibility. This entails being able to respond differently to a situation than the rote response one is used to. This is a skill that we all need to have and one we often use.

However, elderly people face so many changes as they age that they are called upon to be flexible more often than us younger people. The resilient elderly are the ones who are able to continually let go of abilities, not to mention friends and family to death, and adapt to a new way of being in the world.

My grandmother gave up her driver’s license when she was eighty-four because she realized her reaction times had slowed too much for her to safely drive. However, she quickly adjusted, learning to use the bus system to get herself and the “old people” she helped to doctors’ appointments.

Another characteristic of the elderly that we might envy is their greater range of coping resources. By virtue of their long lives, they have established an arsenal of ways to manage change and adversity. Also, they tend to be less reactive to losses than younger people because they have learned through experience how to handle loss.

Having a sense of openness allows seniors to re-create themselves continuously. Being receptive to new ideas, resources, and experiences allows them to redefine themselves even as their external worlds continue to shrink.

Resilient elders also become more accepting of dependency. While being dependent is not valued in younger people, many older people realize the need for adapting to their circumstances which may include allowing for increased dependence. However, one of the ways they are able to do this is by adjusting their perception to realize that whatever they are still able to offer others is a good exchange for receiving from others.

Finally, older adults demonstrate resilience by generating meaning from their personal memories and stories from their long lives. The ability to see one’s past growth and continue to strive for growth throughout life is extremely adaptive and rewarding.

Summary: What can we learn from “the oldest of the old”?

1. Even when life throws a multitude of changes at you consistently, you can still maintain flexibility to adapt to your circumstances.

2. It’s important to pay attention to and collect a wide range of coping resources.

3. As mentioned in my last post, sometimes you must redefine who you are to be able to bounce back in life. Maintaining a sense of openness allows you to more easily achieve this redefinition.

4. The things that we think less of now may actually be good. Old people show us that allowing people to help – being a little dependent – is actually a very productive skill.

5. Looking for and generating meaning and growth in the events of our lives will not only help us bounce back now, but be more resilient as we age.

Even though my grandmother teased about the two years she must live to reach one-hundred, she continues to inspire me with her constant, remarkable adaptation to her old, old life.

I want to be her when I grow up (and old.)

Takeaway points: We can learn a lot from our elders about resiliency. The crux of the lessons is all about adaptation: being open to changes and new ways of being in the world.

Resources:

Rosowsky, E. (2009.) Challenge and Resilience in Old Age. Generations: Journal of the American Society on Aging. 33 (3), p.100-102.

Langer, N. (2004.) Resiliency and Spirituality: Foundations of Strengths Perspective Counseling with the Elderly. Educational Gerontology, 30, 611-617.

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re·sil·ience noun ri-‘zil-y?n(t)s 1 : the capability of a strained body to recover its size and shape after deformation caused especially by compressive stress. – Merriam Webster

Like the scientific definition of resilience, personal resilience is often seen as your ability to bounce back from life’s “compressive stress” or, to put it another way, being squ-e-e-e-e-zed.

And, for the most part, that perception is right. You do tend to want to get back to the place you were before disaster struck. It’s where you’re most comfortable and it seems to be the right thing to strive for.

There’s nothing wrong with trying to get back to where you were. But sometimes you just can’t get back to that place. Why?

Adapting to a new shape

Because you may not be the same person you were before you got squeezed.

I frequently see this with people who are grieving. They are in such pain that they just want to get back to normal again. But what they don’t realize is that it is going to be a new normal for them.

The pain will subside and they will start to feel better. Life will resume its familiar pace but it won’t be the same. It can’t be without their loved one in the world.

And that’s okay. It’s just different. It’s not recovering your size and shape after being squeezed; it’s adapting to a new shape.

Coming to terms with change

I’ve been doing some research on resiliency among the elderly and I continue to find references to this very idea. Our elders are faced with so many losses on a personal, physical level along with the loss of many good friends. In order to be resilient, they have to practice constant adaptation.

One study said it this way: “The developmental goal is to survive loss, come to terms with change, and integrate oneself into a new social context and identity.”*

This idea of becoming comfortable with change and a new identity is an important one for all of us as we face the squeezes in life of loss and adversity.

I think this is actually a helpful and hopeful idea. Sometimes, it is just too hard to go back to being the same person you were before calamity struck. Allow the squeezes of life to shape you into a new person. Not without scars, perhaps, but wiser for the pressure you’ve endured.

Takeaway points: Resilience is about bouncing back, but sometimes you’re a different person after you’ve recovered from a difficult time. It’s good to be aware of this and welcome the the different you that has survived one of life’s tough squeezes.

Have you ever come out different on the other side of a life-squeeze?

*SqueBar-Tur, L. & Levy-Shiff, R. (2000). Coping wiht losses and past trauma in old age: The Separation-Individuation perspective. Journal of Personal and Interpersonal Loss, 5, 263-281.

Your ability to respond to your life is known as your response ability. – Rick Carson

You know about the Inner Critic. It’s that voice that you hear whispering – or sometimes shouting – discouraging, untrue things to you.

My Inner Critic’s favorite thing to say to me is, “You’ll never be good enough. You completely suck.”

For a long time, I confronted my Inner Critic the way most therapists and coaches direct people to: I argued with it. I tried to convince it that it was irrational and gave it good reasons why I’m good enough right now and don’t suck.

That helped a bit, but it didn’t make my Critic go away, which is what I was expecting.

Eventually, I learned to be with my Critic in a different way.

5 fun ways to charm your Critic

Although I believe in and write about non-resistance as a key component of resilience, it can be a difficult skill for me to practice, too. But when I activated non-resistance with my Critic, I finally began to make headway.

I didn’t have to fight the Critic, it’s just as much a part of me as my sense of humor or my gregarious nature.

So here are some of the fun and different ways I’ve learned to deal with my Critic rather than having a debate with it. I know they’ll work for you, too.

1. Don’t grapple with your Gremlin.

Author and life coach Rick Carson wrote the classic book Taming Your Gremlin twenty years ago and the simple truths in are still gems today. He refers to your Inner Critic as your Gremlin and one of the key points is to not grapple with it.

Once you start fighting with your Gremlin, you give it power and it becomes bigger and bigger. Trying to convince your Gremlin why you’re right and it’s wrong only makes it roar louder.

2. Simply notice.

Instead of grappling with your Gremlin, Carson suggests to simply notice it. That’s it. Just hear it and see it and then let it go without any fighting on your part.

Funny how that Gremlin shrivels up when you only notice it and don’t give it any more attention.

3. Name and draw your Inner Critic.

Go ahead, give that voice a name. Bob, Myrtle, Heathcliff, Elvira.

Then draw out what it looks like to you. Visualizing and becoming friendly with your Critic will help you to learn to work with it more easily and understand that, while it’s a part of you, it’s not all of you.

4. Use a cartoon voice.

This one is really fun. Usually, my Inner Critic’s voice is very serious and somewhat spiteful. It makes me feel bad, of course.

However, when I substitute the regular voice of my Critic for Daffy Duck’s voice, I can’t help but to laugh out loud. “You completely suck” becomes “Thufferin’ Thuccotash! You completely thuck!” This usually sends me into helpless giggles and I can’t help but to retort to my Daffy Critic, “You’re dethpicable!”

It’s hard to laugh and take the Critic seriously at the same time.

5. Say funny things back to it.

Instead of calmly telling your Critic why it’s irrational and you are completely rational, try a few of these:

“Can you say that again in Pig Latin?”

“Thank you for sharing.”

“Don’t even start with me.”

“Whatever.”

Takeaway points: We all have Inner Critics and our tendency is to fight them. However, we can be more effective by taking lighter approaches, all of which help you to not take yourself and your Critic so seriously.

How do you handle your Inner Critic?

Need help taming your Gremlin? I’m available for a therapy appointment or a free 30-minute consultation. Call me at 650-529-9059 or email me.

Does being resilient ever include quitting?

Can you bounce back from something by just up and leaving it?

I think so.

Like denial, quitting has kind of a bad rap. How many times have you heard these tired axioms?

“Winners never quit and quitters never win.”

“He’s such a quitter.”

“You don’t want to be known as a quitter.”

Granted, there are times when you really need to hang in there with something, to slog through until it is complete or some kind of healing has taken place. This is probably true of most things in our lives.

Freeing yourself

But sometimes, we need to quit so we can move on.

Did you know that, originally, the word quit in Old French meant “to be free, clear”? And in Latin it meant “calm, resting.” It wasn’t until seven centuries later, in the late 1800’s that “quitter” became an insult.

So quitting can actually help us to become free and clear of something that may be holding us back.

Clearing space

Nilofer Merchant wrote a beautiful post for The Harvard Business Review about this very topic. In it, she describes how she suddenly decided to quit her strategy consulting business that she had created from scratch and maintained at a high level for eleven years.

Her friends and colleagues thought she was nuts. But she knew that the joy of her own business had long since faded away and the amount of time and energy she put into it was draining her. She let it go. She quit.

And soon other, more satisfying opportunities opened up for her.

Getting stuck

Years ago when I was a young college student, I quit a statistics class. While it doesn’t sound like an enormous decision, it was for me at the time. I had locked it into my mind that I was going to be a mathematician. I had excelled at math in high school and thought it would be a prestigious career. I did well in my college math courses, too.

Until I got to statistics.

I just couldn’t get it. I failed the class my first time around but doggedly took it again. I was determined to follow my math path.

But then I started failing again in the second class. Somehow, statistics and my brain just could not match up.

I remember one night in my room, lying on my bed and staring at the ceiling with tears running down my face trickling into my ears. I was not going to pass this class. My brain raced in a zillion different directions.

How could I get through this class? If I didn’t make it, would I get stuck on other classes? I had to be a mathematician, I was good at it. Wasn’t I? How could I face my friends and family if I dropped this class?

Can I quit?

Then a new thought arose. Slowly, my tears stopped and I sat up on the bed. I could not only quit the class, I could quit the whole idea of going into math as a career. In a way, I hated the idea of giving up, of quitting on my dream.

But in another way, and one I found to be creating much more emotional space, I felt relief. Even though quitting might be difficult at first, I could already feel a tinge of excitement as I thought about what other paths might open up for me.

A month or two later, after allowing myself some grief over my lost dream, I began to assess what classes and possible careers really interested me. It dawned on me then that it was my psychology classes that energized me, not the math classes I had been taking.

The joy of quitting

The rest, of course, is history and here I am decades later in a career that I enjoy and find emotionally and spiritually fulfilling.

But I had to quit first.

As Nilofer Merchant says in her article, “Sometimes, to get where you’re going, you have to leave where you’ve been.”

Takeaway points: Quitting can actually clear the space you need to engage in new and fulfilling opportunities. It may not be easy at first, but the reward will be worth it.

What do you think about the idea of quitting?

One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began. – Mary Oliver

 

Live your life on purpose.

Why?

I’ll give you two reasons:

1. Life is too short not to live it on purpose.

2. Living with purpose and meaning anchors you and gives you something to hold on to when the storms of life blow your way.

Because we all know the first reason well (although it is quite easy to forget), I want to focus on the second one.

 

How to live life on purpose

Although the idea of living life on purpose makes sense, the question is: How do you do it?

One of the reasons I like the quote above by Mary Oliver is that she shows us action and intention are involved. You knew what you had to do, and began. It’s not about knowing your life purpose and sitting back to admire it. You take action.

So now the question is: How do I begin – what do I do?

And the answer is: You practice your Core Gift.

 

Your life purpose in action

I like to call your Core Gift your life purpose in action. It is the thing that you do that is so easy for you and so energizing that it’s often called being in the “flow.”  It’s the action that helps you fulfill your life purpose.

Your Core Gift is something you are born with and it is different than your talents and skills. While a skill is something you learn, and a talent is an innate ability that you are good at, your Core Gift is the one über-talent that has been with you your whole life and directs you toward your purpose.

Although personality tests can be helpful, they tend to lump you in with others in a category with one-word descriptors or sets of letters. Your Core Gift is unique to only you and is described by a statement. Here are a few examples:

My Core Gift is helping mutual understanding to take place. I do this by teaching, leading, and sharing myself.

My Core Gift is providing balance. I do this by being in situations where I can be honest, peaceful, and a focused, competent problem solver.

My Core Gift is “composting.” I do this by demonstrating that there is nothing that cannot be transferred to riches by allowing the heat and energy of disintegration to take place.

 

Being who you are

So, how does knowing your Core Gift help you become more resilient? Your Core Gift is who you are and what you do. You bounce back into your “core shape” when difficulties arise because it is who you are. As Oscar Hammerstein once wrote, “Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly . . .”

When the squalls in life blow your way, your anchor that holds you steady is your knowledge of who you are as a Gifted person. You know you can be no other so you are more easily able to bounce back.

 

Discovering your Core Gift

How do you name your Core Gift? I’m doing a workshop in a few weeks here in the Bay Area that helps you do just that and I’ll describe it below.

But, if you’re not in the area or can’t make the workshop, a couple of good resources are a blog post I wrote awhile back about finding your Gift and a wonderfully detailed post  written by Tina Suh of ThinkSimpleNow.com.

 

Your Core Gift is living life on purpose, with purpose. It is about doing. You have much to bring to this world.

 

Takeaway points: Living life on purpose is what fuels your resiliency. The way to be most purposeful is to know and use your own unique Core Gift.

 

What’s your Core Gift and how do you put it into action?

 

Who Are You, Really? Discover Your Core Gift

Workshop to be held Friday, February 24th, 9 am to 4 pm, Palo Alto, Ca.

Want to discover your Gift with a group of other like-minded people? More information can be found here.

 

This is a guest post by Ernest Schmidt, psychotherapist and author of Tackling Anxiety: How to Regain Your Peace of Mind. I asked Ernie to share some ideas on how to bounce back from one of the most difficult emotions: anxiety.

Anxiety is a very common mental health concern. In fact, just about everyone can identify a time in their lives when they have been bothered by anxiety, whether it be public speaking anxiety, panic attacks, social nervousness, or just plain old worry.

Some people experience anxiety as only a small annoyance, but many others have anxious feelings that are extremely uncomfortable, or even life altering. You can learn to successfully manage anxiety by learning about and understanding this emotion and following a few guidelines.

What to look for

Common ways you may experience anxiety are: rapid heartbeat, muscle tension, fear of losing control, the feeling of butterflies in your stomach, obsessive thoughts or worries, restlessness, irritability, and avoidance of things, people, or places that are connected with the anxiety.

This last symptom, avoidance or the act of running from your anxiety, is often the most destructive of all but is generally the least recognized when you are struggling with anxiety. You may practice avoidance by turning down quality job offers that include an element of public speaking, whereas others consistently pass up social engagements.

There are several ways to overcome anxiety, but unless you stop running and your avoidance is addressed, it is difficult to make significant and long-lasting progress.

1. Become aware

It is difficult to change something that is not fully acknowledged. To begin to acknowledge and understand your anxiety, it is helpful to create a list of all the things you have avoided due to worry or anxious feelings. Although this can be somewhat painful and challenging, it is also extremely motivating.

You might realize you have not signed up for particular college courses that involve giving presentations, or perhaps you avoid having lunch out with friends because you fear you will look strange while you’re eating, or that you can’t keep up the conversation. This tangible list allows you to focus on specific areas for improvement.

Without this understanding and awareness, the process of trying to manage anxiety is often aimless and uninspired.

2. Change the way you think

Although changing your thoughts may sound daunting, it can be relatively easy with the right guidance. A great technique is to mentally observe your thoughts when you are feeling anxious and then record them on paper.

For example, someone who is overwhelmed with change in his or her life may have the thought “I can’t handle this” or “I am going to have a nervous breakdown.” Rather than getting caught up in the worry itself, you can use your rational mind to respond to your faulty thoughts.

For instance, if you really try to define “nervous breakdown,” you will realize it’s a false term. You may be experiencing intense anxiety, but neither your nervous system nor your brain actually “breaks.” Although these mental misstatements may seem harmless, they profoundly affect your level of anxiety.

When you acknowledge and challenge these exaggerations, anxiety lessens. As with learning any new skill, changing the way you think takes time and practice, but in the end it is well worth it.

3. Face anxiety

Although it may sound counterintuitive, turning and facing anxiety is the final step in ultimately managing this emotion. By shifting your relationship with anxiety and actually seeking it out, you can forever change how it affects you.

Due to the very nature of anxiety, it causes you to exaggerate what it is you are trying to avoid, and/or it makes you feel you are unable to cope with the feared situation. I often compare anxiety to the “monster in the closet” or to the harmless “man behind the curtain” in the movie The Wizard of Oz.

Certainly, facing anxiety is much easier said than done, but when the first two steps are followed, this final step can be accomplished with less difficulty.

Managing anxiety is no easy task, but choosing to live with the damage and emotional pain it causes is a poor alternative. By following the three steps above, you can make significant progress in the battle with anxiety.

Those who become skilled at understanding their anxiety, changing the way they think about it, and managing their avoidance are ultimately rewarded with lasting freedom from this difficult emotion.

Ernest Schmidt, LCSW, is a therapist and the founder of Palo Alto Therapy. As a results-oriented practice, Palo Alto Therapy stands apart by specializing in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) for anxiety including panic, obsessive compulsive disorder, and social anxiety disorder.

Takeaway points: Running away from anxiety is only going to exacerbate the problem. Taking a breath and facing it will allow you to change your thoughts so you can change your life.

How do you manage anxiety in your life?

This month’s edition of Bounce Boosters is about being in the moment, a key component of the resiliency skill perspective.

1. Ram Dass

The next message you need is always right where you are.

2. Fr. Albert D’Souza

For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin – real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way. Something to be got through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.

3. Guillaume Apollinaire

Now and then it’s good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy.

4. Gilda Radner

Some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity.

5. Caleb Baylor Hive

Let the credit card companies market as they will, the only thing that’s priceless is Now.

What’s your favorite quote?

“It’s the same old thing,” Kathy said as she settled herself in her chair across from me. “I’m not really that happy being with Mike.

“You know . . . it’s the same stuff I talk about every week: We don’t have common interests, he’s financially irresponsible, he doesn’t work full-time like I do but I still end up doing all the work around the house, and sometimes I catch him in lies.”

She paused for a moment and then sighed.

“I just wonder why I stay with him when I’m unhappy.”

I leaned back a bit in my chair and propped my chin on my hand, considering this. “Perhaps you’re comfortably uncomfortable.”

Kathy gave me a puzzled look. “What?”

“You’re comfortably uncomfortable. You’ve been doing the same thing for so long that, even though you don’t like it, you know it well and therefore you are comfortable . . . but uncomfortable at the same time.

“Change is really hard when you’re comfortable. It’s that old adage, ‘The devil you know is better than the devil you don’t know.’”

Kathy looked at me and cocked her head slightly to the side. I could see her trying to wrap her mind around this new idea. “You know,” she said slowly, “I think there might be some truth to that. I am comfortably uncomfortable.”

What about you?

Do you find yourself vaguely or even actively unhappy, but unsure as to why you’re not doing anything to change it?

You might be comfortably uncomfortable right where you are. Even though you don’t like what is happening in your life, you’re in your comfort zone where it is safe and you know the terrain.

What happens if you step outside of your comfortably uncomfortable spot?

The downside is that it might be scary and will certainly be foreign territory for you.

The upside is that you open yourself up to new opportunities, new ways of being and relating, and the possibility of long-term contentment and well-being. And we know that a sense of well-being is vital to our ability to bounce back from life’s hard knocks.

4 steps toward change

Now, how do you get out of that comfortably uncomfortable place that is lulling you into ongoing dissatisfaction? Try these steps:

1. Acknowledge that you’re stuck.

It’s hard to notice that you’re comfortably uncomfortable. Why? You’re used to it. You’re . . . well, comfortable. In an uncomfortable sort of way. So the trick is to become very honest with yourself and acknowledge the reality of your stuckness. And that’s it. No need for judgment about it.

2. Notice your emotions.

Change is rarely easy so check out how you’re feeling about leaving your comfort zone. You may be feeling some or all of these: fear, trepidation, hope, anxiety, anger, excitement. Welcome whatever your emotions you are experiencing and remember that emotions just are and they tend to be transitory. If you are feeling scared now, it doesn’t mean that you will always feel scared.

Just notice your feelings and try not to have judgment about them.

3. Remember that you have made it through tough times in the past.

Now that you’ve identified your emotions about the change, recall a time in the past when you felt the same way. You must have made it through that time because you’re here reading this now, right? Maybe it was hard, but you did it.

4. Call for reinforcements.

One of the best ways to make a change is to bring trusted friends in on your plan. Kathy eventually decided to end her relationship with Mike, but she needed the emotional support of her sister and best friend before she could actually feel safe enough to do it. Remember that having supportive people around you is a vital resiliency tool and also a great way to provide yourself with an emotional cushion as you step into the unknown territory of change.

Tired of being uncomfortable? It’s time for a change.

You can do it.

Takeaway points: It’s very easy to slide into a place of being unhappy but you are so used to it that you are comfortable. You don’t have to stay there. You can increase your well-being by acknowledging the reality of your situation and gathering up the courage to change. With a little help from your friends!

Have you ever been comfortably uncomfortable?