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Why are we so failure-aversive? The need to have control is part of the problem, according to Paul Iske, founder of The Institute of Brilliant Failures. We need to let go of this and realize there are some essential reasons things don’t always work out like we expect them to:

• We live and work in a complex environment.
• We overlook side effects. [They can be the answer you’re actually looking for!]
• We don’t know long-term consequences.
• The world can change.
• We don’t understand all interdependencies of the situation.

Trying to exert enough control so you don’t make a mistake can be crazy-making, especially considering the dynamics listed above. So, I have four suggestions:

1. Ask yourself, “What’s the worst thing that can happen if I fail?”

I was listening to our local NPR station the other day when author Tim Harford was being interviewed about his book Adapt: Why Success Always Starts With Failure. Host Dave Iverson and Harford were discussing how important it is to learn from failures. A very brave man called in and said he had been a nurse for over 30 years and he remembered that one time, early in his career, he had made a mistake with medication. “Uh-oh,” I thought, “That’s got to be the worst thing that can happen to a nurse.” The caller said his supervisor asked him to tell the other nurses about his error and, when he progressed in his career and mentored other nurses, to tell them as well. His supervisor wanted the mistake to become a learning point for not only him, but for others as well. Rather than seeing this as shameful, the man said it was a great lesson for him that others can benefit when we share our failures.

So, even if “the worst thing that can happen” may be dire, you and others may gather extremely useful information from the failure. And, it’s likely that “the worst thing that can happen” won’t be that dire and answering your own question about this will give you a better, more realistic perspective about the situation.

2. Consider the dynamics and let go of control.

Look at the bullet points above again. There are many, many things that can affect the outcome of our behaviors and efforts. Although you do need some control to function effectively in life, trying to micromanage things that are out of your control will definitely increase your stress level. Take a breath . .  . step away from the control button.

3. Don’t forget the side effects.

I think this is one of Iske’s most relevant points. Try not to get so focused on the exact parameters of success in your situation that you overlook other positive aspects that may arise even if you fail at your goal. Remember, Christopher Columbus “failed” at finding a passage to the Far East, but he discovered a whole new continent in the midst of his failure.

4. Realize you’re in good company.

Failing and making mistakes is part of being human. Some of our greatest heroes experienced hundreds of failures before succeeding. Doug Toft commented on my last post and gave us a great website that shows many examples of this. It’s pretty inspiring to realize the company that we’re in as flawed human beings. If these people became who they are because of their failures, sign me up to fail!

Brilliant.

Takeaway points: Trying to control for every eventuality so you don’t make a mistake will drive you crazy. Get a different perspective by realizing that failures are a part of the human condition and may even be necessary for us to learn and succeed. Side effects of failures can lead us to places of success we didn’t even know were possible.

What are your thoughts on failure?

My partner, Andrea, is very creative so when I have a problem or want to develop a new idea, I often seek out her opinion. This prompts a raucous round of brainstorming which inevitably produces a result that is not only satisfying, but energizing as well. We both feel victorious and Andrea often playfully raises her arms and shouts, “I am freaking brilliant!”

Want to know how to be freaking brilliant? Celebrate your failures and learn from them. There is a whole Institute devoted to this idea. Really. The Institute of Brilliant Failures “aims to promote a positive attitude toward failures.” The website lists dozens of famous and not-so-famous failures that resulted in new products, creative development ideas, and personal growth for individuals.

The founder of The Institute, Paul Iske, cites the creation of Viagra as an example of a brilliant failure. Viagra was originally developed to treat angina. It failed miserably. But it did have this side effect that seemed promising . . . You know the rest of the story.

Iske says that most people are too afraid of failure to change, thus we take fewer risks and innovation decreases. This doesn’t make sense to him. “Think about it,” he said in a 2011 Ted^x Talk, “If we knew what we were doing, we wouldn’t call it innovation.”

More sites are popping up now that are dedicated to learning from failures. Check out AdmittingFailure and FailFaire to see how nonprofits and businesses are publicly sharing their failures so that all can see what doesn’t work in order to make something that does.

I love this idea of brilliant failures. How many times have you stopped innovating in your personal life due to a failure? What would happen if we changed the culture of failure from something shameful to something to celebrate?

In our brainstorming sessions, most of the ideas Andrea and I come up with won’t or don’t work. They fail. But out of these failed creations spring “side effect” ideas that eventually lead us to the one that does work.

It’s freaking brilliant.

Takeaway points: Failure has a bad rap in our society. When something doesn’t work in your life, look for the side effects and see if a new idea or solution is in there.

What have you learned from your brilliant failures?

Next time: Letting go of control to make failures more brilliant.

If you liked this post, you may also want to read Falling Flat with a Thud and Choosing to Expand.

On January 15, 2009, he was flying on US Airways flight 1549 to Charlotte, North Carolina. Less than three minutes into the flight, the pilot cut the engines and told his passengers to brace for impact.

Put yourself on that plane. What would you think about? Here are the gifts passenger Ric Elias found in those seconds before the plane crash-landed into the Hudson River.

Takeaway points: Life is short. We hear that all the time and, somewhere inside, we know it to be true. But how do we live life fully? Look for gifts even in the worst of times.

How do you keep perspective in your life so you can truly enjoy the moment, relationships, and love?

A great way to build your resilience skills is to learn to meet the challenge of your greatest fear. Did you know that many, many people fear public speaking more than death itself? If you’re one of those folks, here are some ideas that will help you become more comfortable whether you’re giving a speech in front of hundreds or are called on at a management meeting.

1. Discover if you are a Habituater or a Sensitizer.

Paul L. Witt, PhD, assistant professor of communication studies at Texas Christian University, Fort Worth, conducted a study which found that some people are just hard-wired to be anxious about public speaking. Others get nervous, but can overcome it. Find out which type you are and get some great hints for how to handle your anxiety here.

2. What’s the worst thing that can happen?

Most of us tend to catastrophize when we have to speak in public, telling ourselves that it would be just awful or horrible if something went wrong during our talk. Ask yourself these questions:

• Have you ever seen someone else make a mistake or be nervous when they spoke in public? Did lightning strike? Did they have a heart attack and die? Or did they just keep talking?
• What was the worst thing that ever happened to you when speaking in a public forum? Did lightning strike? If it felt just awful or horrible, does that mean your talk was also just awful or horrible? Probably not. Remember that emotions don’t always equate to reality!

3. Remember that your audience wants you to do well.

Most people who hate speaking in public are consumed with fear of being nervous and that their listeners will notice it. Remember these points:

• Your audience wants you to do well. They are pulling for you and are certainly not sitting in judgment of your performance.
• It’s likely that your listeners also hate speaking in public! So, they are quite sympathetic to any nerves you may display.
• Most of the time, your audience doesn’t even notice that you are nervous. Have you ever told someone after you spoke in public that you were so nervous, only to have the person say, “Really? You didn’t look nervous.”

4. Have a sense of humor.

So, let’s say the worst thing happens. You get dry mouth. Your hands start to shake. You forget what you were going to say.

Make fun of yourself. “Hang on, I need to take a drink of water – my mouth is like the Sahara right now.”

“Wait a minute – I’m having a senior moment.” (If you’re old enough to be a senior.) “Wait a minute – I’m practicing to have senior moments.” (If you’re not quite a senior yet.)

Sharing your speaking process – and the quirks that come along with it – is a good way to both make the audience laugh and create a connection with them. They learn that you are a regular human being like them and your credibility is instantly increased.

5. Breathe.

I know, I know. You hear this all the time and it’s getting old. But, if there’s ever a time to remember to breathe, it’s when you are speaking in front of a group! It’s an automatic response to have shallow breaths when you are nervous. The problem is, this signals to your body that you are in a fight-or-flight situation so it starts pumping more adrenaline, which causes you to feel even more anxious . . .

Pausing during talks is a good practice at any time. It helps the audience to digest what you have just said and can put emphasis on an important point in your speech. Use the pause opportunity to take a few regular breaths and reduce your heart rate.

Takeaway points: If you can breathe, remember that your audience is on your side, realize that lighting doesn’t strike if you make a mistake, and add some humor to your talk, you’re well on your way to bouncing back from your fear of public speaking!

What helps you when you have to speak in public?

For more great resources about overcoming fear of public speaking, check out this article.

After I posted about the importance of having a tribe in your life, my friend and colleague, Martha Clark Scala, wrote to me:

I had a client in an Early (Alcohol/Drug abuse) Recovery group who articulated so beautifully how she felt like such a stranger in a strange land in her life in San Francisco. I very distinctly remember her asking, “Where is my tribe?” I suspect a lot of people turn to addictions out of lack of connection to a tribe.

I asked Martha to follow up on this idea a bit more.

BE: In your story about the woman in your Recovery group, what was important to the woman about having a tribe?

MCS: Tribal peers are a comfort because they speak the same language. There is something shared amongst tribal members that increase feelings of affinity and belonging. Without these feelings, the isolation is hard for some people to take. This woman was aware enough in her early recovery to know that what she longed for was a safe, healthy place to belong.

Can you say more about why you think people may turn to addictions due to lack of a tribe?

Paths to addiction vary widely. However, most paths seem to involve a person who turns to alcohol or other addictions to block how isolated or alone they feel. Some people drink and drug in isolation from the start. For others, the initial pull to alcohol or drug use is that while under-the-influence, they might feel less isolated because everyone in the bar is part of a drinking tribe. Over time, however, most addicts I have known report that their addiction resulted in more, rather than less, isolation.

Do you see the Recovery process as an initiation? If so, how important is the idea of receiving a Homecoming from the tribe? What happens if a Homecoming doesn’t happen?

My bias is that a Recovery process that includes initiation and homecoming is more likely to have success. Twelve-step fellowships are merely one option for the pursuit of recovery but as an example, meetings are structured to welcome the newcomer immediately. Not all newcomers successfully switch from their drinking or drugging tribe to a clean-and-sober tribe but the likelihood of this is greater if there is an alternative tribe to go toward. I’ve known some folks to find their clean-and-sober tribe in a residential recovery treatment but as soon as they leave (typically 28 days later), they can relapse if they don’t transition to a more local tribe that promotes sobriety.

What happens if a person in Recovery doesn’t have a tribe? Or maybe they don’t want a tribe because they are used to being alone?

It is entirely possible to get clean-and-sober without a tribe; I just think it is much, much harder. It’s also important to note that for some, the goal of Recovery is not sobriety but more responsible substance use. But even if this is the goal, it would help to achieve that goal if one were part of a tribe of folks with that same goal. A chosen tribe will have values that bolster you when you are inclined to falter. Without that support, it is almost as if the individual must be a tribe unto him- or herself and that is very hard to pull off, especially in early sobriety or moderation. I’ve also known some folks who are successful at being “dry” (i.e. alcohol- or drug-free) but their Recovery sort of gets arrested; they have no tribe to support their forward movement and growth.

Takeaway points: Being a part of a tribe is important throughout life, but it is essential to have one when trying to make a huge life change such as recovering from alcohol and drugs.

What are your ideas about the tribe’s role when trying to make a significant life change?

Each of us has a gift that we bring to the world. It is so essential and such an integral part of us that we have to capitalize the word – it’s your Gift. And since it emanates from the center of us, it is called the Core Gift.

The Core Gift is a bit different than your life purpose because your Gift is something you give – it’s an action you do. For example, my Gift is to help people and ideas achieve their highest potential. My partner’s Gift is to move things forward. Notice how action-oriented those statements are. Your Gift is the action you take within the framework of your life purpose and it’s an essential part of your purpose, but it’s not the same thing.

Why do you need to know what your Core Gift is? The answers could fill up an entire book, but the short answer is that your Gift helps to ground and guide you in life. Knowing your Gift allows you to choose the path in life that is meaningful, flows easily, and inspires and energizes you.

How do I find my Core Gift?

I have an interview process that I use with individuals and groups that elicits each person’s Core Gift, but apart from that, think about these essential questions:

1. When do you feel the most alive? What are you doing when you feel the most energetic and as though your actions flow easily from you? For example, I feel most alive when I’m with a group of people and I’m facilitating a new learning process for them, helping them toward their vast potential.

2. What would everyone you know say was the one thing about you that drew them to you? Your leadership qualities? Your peaceful nature? Your ability to create fun wherever you are? The way you listen deeply? Your capacity for sharing the intricacies of art and music in a way that all can enjoy it? Think about your friends and write down what you think has drawn them to you.

3. What is something you have been doing with ease your whole life? Your Gift is a thread that has been with you your entire life. Looking back, what is something that has always been easy for you and, when you’re doing it, makes you feel alive and inspired? For me, it has always been easy to take groups of people and, using my leadership abilities, form them into a cohesive team to achieve its potential. Even when I was young, although quite shy, I was always the captain of my sports teams. As I grew older, I found myself in management positions, developing social service programs and creating teams to support them. What have you been doing your whole life?

4. What is the opposite of your wound? We all have tender spots in ourselves that come from being wounded earlier in life. The Core Gift tends to be the opposite of this wound as we try to heal ourselves and others around us. While my Gift is to help others achieve their highest potential, I have wrestled all my life with questions about the worthiness of my own potential. What have you wrestled with?

Look for the threads

Write down your answers to these questions. Don’t think about them too long; it’s best just to go with what comes up first for you. Now, look at your answers and see if any similarities, or threads, arise among them. Although the process I use with groups and individuals is more in-depth, these four questions form the foundation of eliciting your Core Gift.

When you find the similarities in your answers, choose the one that resonates most with you and try it on as your Core Gift. Again, ask yourself: Do I feel the most alive when doing this? Is this what has drawn people to me? Have I been doing this my whole life? Does the opposite of this point to the tender spot within me?

If you can answer ‘yes’ to each of those questions, you have likely named your Core Gift. And, as the indigenous peoples do when welcoming a young initiate back to the tribe, I welcome you into our universal tribe with your honored Gift!

If you or your group would like to participate in my Finding Your Core Gift process, please send me a message or call me at 650-529-9059.

Takeaway points: Each of us has a Core Gift that we bring to the world. Naming it requires us to think about the points throughout our lives where we are “in the flow” and feel the most alive.

What is your Core Gift? Please feel free to ask questions about the process as well.

Wise words of resiliency from ancient and modern sages:

1. Samuel Rutherford

Whenever I find myself in the cellar of affliction, I look about for the wine.

2. Steve Jobs

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

3. Hannibal

You must find a way. Or make one.

4. Gilda Radner

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next.

5. Longfellow

The lowest ebb is the turn of the tide.

Takeaway points: Overcoming adversity is part of the human condition. We do it daily and throughout our lives. We just need to remember that it can be done!

What’s your favorite quote?

A key component of resiliency is acceptance and there are many sub-components of acceptance as well. One of them is the idea of letting go or surrendering. Let me be clear: I’m not talking about giving up. I mean letting go of your clinging need to know what the outcome of any situation will be. Surrendering your controlling nature for one that sees opportunity even in crisis.

My friend and colleague, Martha Clark Scala, wrote a wonderful poem for those of us who still want some kind of structure to our surrender . . .

The Mathematics of Surrender

It’s not about giving up,
not about defeat.
If you insist on an equation,
embrace your limited impact on outcome,
subtract old beliefs that you should be able to fix it,
add willingness to let others meet their fate.
Divide this by two, as in yin and yang,
right and wrong,
good and bad.
Let it multiply until
all things are equal.

© Martha Clark Scala, 2007

Takeaway points: Surrender is not about giving up. It’s about allowing all things to be equal.

What are your thoughts on surrender?

Photo courtesy of d3Dan