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Here’s the newest installment in the monthly edition of 5 Great Quotes:

1. Albert Einstein

Life is like riding a bicycle, in order to keep your balance, you must keep moving.

2. Richard Bach

What the caterpillar calls the end of the world the master calls a butterfly.

3. The Little Engine That Could

I think I can, I think I can . . .

4. Japanese proverb

Fall seven times, stand up eight.

5. Franklin D. Roosevelt

When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.

Takeaway points: I think my favorite this month is Richard Bach’s quote. There have been so many times I have felt the depths of the cocoon, only to realize it was the best place for me to grow.

What’s your favorite quote?

Need help bouncing back from something in your life? I’m available for individual therapy sessions. Call me at 650-529-9059 or email me for an appointment.

By the time we get into our late forties and early fifties, many of us have worked for twenty-five years or more. And not only do we often stay in the same field, some of us have held the same job for that long. In this economy, of course, having any job is something to be grateful for!

Still, this is the time of life when you might start to feel some itchiness about your job or career, a yearning for change. My clients who are in this position usually wonder aloud: “But what should I do? I’ve been in this same career for so long, I’m not sure what to do next.”

Here are some ideas:

1. Find your Core Gift.

Your Core Gift is the essential talent that you have; the thing you do that – when you’re doing it – you feel like time is flying, that your task is easy and delightful. You feel “in the zone.”

Knowing your Core Gift can help you decide what job or career would be a true joy for you. Please see my previous post for more information, but here are four questions to get you started:

• When do you feel the most alive?
• What would everyone you know say was the one thing that drew them to you?
• What is something you have been doing with ease your whole life?
• What is the opposite of your wound, the event(s) in life that have hurt you the most?

2. Take a class in something that interests you.

Wonder if a certain career might be a good one for you? Take a class online or at your local community college to become more familiar with the field and to see if you truly like it or not.

3. Talk to others.

Talk to people who work in the field you’re thinking about joining to get the inside scoop on what that job is really like.

Also, talk to people who have changed careers in mid-life. What made them decide to change? How did they go about doing it? Was it worth it?

4. Consider “career oxygen.”

More magazine has a great article on women who kept their long-term jobs, but pursued side projects that were more in line with their Core Gifts. These projects helped the women to “breathe” more and gave them satisfaction while staying in their full-time careers.

This is a terrific idea because sometimes our passions don’t pay the mortgage. However, following your muse to create art or play music can be a great way to get oxygen when you feel stifled in your job.

 

So, how does this talk of career change fit in with resilience? The more satisfied you are in your daily life overall, the more you will have the energy and capacity to bounce back from the tough spots that come with being a human. Also, the ability to be aware of your own skills, passions, and dreams helps you to stay in touch with who you really are which allows you to stay grounded and able to withstand life’s storms.

 

Takeaway points: Thoughts of career or job change are a pretty natural part of mid-life development. Finding your Core Gift, becoming more educated about a dream job, and using your dream as “career oxygen” can help you feel more fulfilled, grounded, and resilient.

 

What’s your dream at this point in your life?

 

Want to find your Core Gift? I have a structured process to do just that. Contact me for your Core Gift session either in person or via Skype.

I love baseball. I love the hum of the crowd, the quiet patter of the announcers, the history of the game, but most of all, I love to watch the strategy between the pitcher and the batter.

One of the most amazing things to see during this one-to-one challenge is the way a pitcher can make the batter’s knees buckle with a good curveball.

Do you ever feel like life has thrown you a curveball? You thought you had everything under control and then something happens to make your knees buckle. Maybe you lost your job or have a health problem. Perhaps you’re having relationship difficulty or your house is perilously close to foreclosure. Whatever the case, life’s curveballs can really leave you flailing, just like that batter against the wily pitcher.

Here are three lessons we can learn about resiliency via that tricky curveball:

1. Be flexible with your expectations.

So, what does an experienced hitter do to make contact with the curveball? First of all, he broadens his expectations. Most hitters who flail at a curveball do so because they have their expectations set on something else: they’re anticipating a fastball.

Like the veteran hitter, you can prepare for life’s curveballs by remembering that life is always about change. So learn to create flexibility in your expectations about how the world works for you.

2. Learn from experience.

But even the experienced batter will be fooled by a curveball now and again. Expecting the fastball, he might take a mighty swing at something that at first looks like a fastball, only to find that he swung way ahead of when the ball arrived and about 8 inches over the top of it as it drops down out of the strike zone. Does the batter decide he’s a failure because he whiffed and stomp back to the dugout? No. He takes a deep breath, learns from the experience, and steps back into the batter’s box.

If you take a whiff at one of life’s curveballs, step back for a moment and look at what you’ve learned from the experience. Then take a deep breath and get back into the batter’s box of life. The next time that curveball shows up, you’ll be ready to either hit it out of the park or let it go if it’s outside the strike zone.

3. Practice, practice, practice. (And realize how great a .400 batting average is!)

Finally, remember that patience and practice are what increases the hitter’s batting average. Just because you’ve missed the pitch or perhaps even struck out at one of life’s curveballs doesn’t mean you’re a failure by any means. Even the Splendid Splinter, the great Ted Williams, only succeeded 40% of the time when he was at the plate. Yet he went back to the batter’s box again and again because he loved the thrill of the game.

Takeaway points: Don’t miss out on the thrill of life because of a few unexpected curveballs. Broaden your expectations, learn from your experience, have patience and practice new skills. Soon, you’ll see those curveballs coming and, sometimes, hit them right out of the park!

How do you handle life’s curveballs?

Besides being a huge Seattle Mariners fan, Bobbi Emel is a therapist in Los Altos, Ca. Thinking about therapy? Call Bobbi at 650-529-9059 for a free 30-minute consultation or send her a message.

If you like sports at all – or perhaps even if you don’t – you probably remember the incredible 1999 Women’s World Cup Soccer Championship game in which Julie Foudy, Brandi Chastain, Mia Hamm and company battled the Chinese team for 120 minutes and won the epic bout in penalty kicks.

For me, that victory ranks up there with the “Miracle on Ice” of the 1980 USA men’s hockey team and I never thought I would see something like it again.

Until yesterday. Exactly twelve years to the day after the Hamm-led USA women won the World Cup, a new team of American women pulled off another incredible feat. As I watched the match and read more about it online, I noticed these young women using a handful of terrific resiliency skills.

The setup

Yesterday’s quarterfinal match with Brazil started off in an irregular way, setting the tone for the rest of the game. Early in the first half, Brazil’s Daiane inexplicably scored an “own goal” as she became entangled with her goalkeeper trying to fend off a USA shot on goal.

USA 1, Brazil 0.

A series of implausible events

The Americans held the advantage until midway through the second half when a series of implausible events occurred. Brazil’s star, Marta, received a pass close to the American goal and began dribbling it expertly toward the net. USA defender Rachel Buehler dogged her the entire way with both players pushing each other to obtain control of the ball. Marta went down as she shot and Buehler was called for a foul inside the penalty box.

Replays showed the jostling was even between the two players, but it was not surprising when Buehler was assessed the penalty. The surprising thing happened directly after when referee Jacqui Melksham ran up to Bueher and held a red card aloft.

What?

A red card is reserved for particularly egregious fouls and Buehler’s infraction certainly did not fall into that category. The situation now looked like this for the Americans: Not only was Brazil given a penalty kick for the foul occurring within the penalty box, but Buehler was forced to leave the game and the Americans could not replace her. The USA would have to play the rest of the game with 10 players as opposed to Brazil’s 11.

But wait, there’s more . . .

Brazil’s Cristiane took the penalty shot – usually an automatic goal for players of this caliber – but goalkeeper Hope Solo managed to stop the shot with an athletic dive to her left. The joy of the USA players was short-lived as Melksham stopped play and ordered the penalty kick to be replayed. Solo protested and was immediately slapped with a yellow card.

Even today, after hours of expert analysis, no one quite knows what caused the referee to call the first shot invalid. Perhaps it was the one-step encroachment a USA player made as the ball was being struck, even though experts agreed the infringement was miniscule. Nonetheless, the shot was retaken, this time by Marta who drilled home a winner.

USA 1, Brazil 1.

Now, here comes the resiliency part . . .

If it had been me, or perhaps you, my frustration and anger over the unfairness of the situation would have caused me to lose my edge and play terribly. But not this team, not these young American women. Facing adversity, they grew stronger. They allowed their justified anger to sharpen their focus and increase their determination.

Somewhat lackluster before the foul-red-card-penalty-kick-penalty-kick-do-over, the USA began to play in earnest. Down a player, they hustled all over the field, harassing the Brazilians and even getting off some shots on the Brazilian goal. One shot by striker Abby Wambach almost scooted into the far side of the net but the Brazilian keeper was able to get a finger on it and deflect it wide.

The Americans accepted their situation and quickly realized their best hope was to play out the match, keep the Brazilians from scoring in extra time, and make it into the penalty kicks round. All of this while being a player down.

Somehow, the 90-minute regulation period ended in a 1-1 tie.

However, minutes into the first extra-time period, the superb Marta deftly flicked the ball into the goal past Solo’s outstretched fingers.

Brazil 2, USA 1.

Now came a critical decision-making period. How to play the rest of the game. There were still thirteen minutes left in the first overtime half and fifteen minutes in the second half. The Americans needed to score a goal to tie and have any hope of winning the match on penalty kicks. The Brazilians needed to keep their advantage.

The Americans chose to stay calm and stick to their game plan of constant pressure and shots on goal from set plays.

The Brazilians chose to ride out the rest of the game and hope it worked out well for them. The decision turned out to be in error.

While the Americans pressed the obviously tired Brazilians relentlessly, the Brazilians took to stalling to try to run out the clock. Players went down with phantom injuries and sauntered toward the line for throw-ins. At one point, Erika fell to the ground with an injury, taking up a full three minutes while being tended to. Miraculously, after being taken off the field in a stretcher, she hopped up a few seconds later and re-entered the game.

That maneuver would prove to be the Brazilians’ undoing.

Although the game technically should have ended at the 120-minute mark, “stoppage time” was added on, including the three minutes that Erika was on the ground with her “injury.”

The Americans never gave up. Although she had trouble with crossing passes throughout the game, Megan Rapinoe continued to ply her trade and, finally, in the 122^nd minute – seconds before the end of stoppage time – she crossed a ball in front of Brazil’s goal toward Abby Wambach.

Still photos show the millisecond when Wambach’s head connected with the winner. The ball passed only inches over a Brazilian defender’s head as well as the keeper’s outstretched fingers. At last, after many failures – success! Wambach flicked the ball into the net and a new miraculous game legend was born.

The penalty kick phase that took place after stoppage time was almost a moot point as the Americans confidently put all five of their shots in goal. The Brazilians were stopped one time by Hope Solo – who had retained her focus in spite of extreme unfairness earlier – enough for the USA to complete their improbable comeback.

USA 5, Brazil 3.

Afterwards, a stunned and joyful Wambach said, “I think this is what this country is all about . . . we never gave up.”

An epic story of resilience for the ages.

Takeaway points: 1.)You have a choice when facing adversity: You can crumble or accept the situation and grow stronger. 2.) Keep trying, even if you’ve failed in the past. 3.) It’s okay to be angry when something is unfair. Just use that anger to become more focused rather than destructive. 4.) Never give up.

What did you think of the game?

Photo credit: Jason Gulledge

Besides being a big sports fan, I’m also a therapist in Los Altos, Ca. Thinking about therapy? Give me a call at 650-529-9059. Or send me an email.

Catching up with old high school friends on Facebook has been a lot of fun for me over the last year. And it’s also brought home to me how very middle-aged I am as my friends talk about their children who are now in college or married and starting families of their own.

I am noticing, too, that friends are starting to lose parents and loved ones as time continues its resolute march onward. With that in mind, I want to revisit a story first printed in one of my newsletters from a few years ago. Sometimes it’s hard to know how to sit with a dying person so I love this story about following your heart when with a loved one in his or her last days.

The other day I was sitting at the counter of my favorite restaurant with my “counter buddy,” Tom. I hadn’t seen him for a few days and he told me he had been out of town to see his father who was receiving hospice care. Tom told me that his dad was lucid, but very tired and seemed to have problems forming the words he wanted to say. His dad had always been a virile, strong, active man, and Tom remarked how different it was to see his father in this weakened condition as he lay dying.

Tom’s sisters buzzed around the house and came in and out of their father’s room, chatting with Tom and their dad. “It was kind of noisy,” Tom told me with a smile.

At one point, Tom and his father were alone together for a few quiet moments. Tom started to sing a song his father had taught him when Tom was just five years old. As he sang, his father relaxed into his pillow.

“A look of peace came over his face,” Tom said, “and he began to mouth the words with me.”

Tom and I sat in silence for a moment.

“I wonder what made you think of doing that?” I mused softly.

“It just seemed like the right thing to do,” he replied.

He became thoughtful, remembering the precious time with his father. “The song goes like this:

“I see the moon and the moon sees me . . .”

He broke off, his eyes filling with tears as were mine. Sitting at the counter of our favorite restaurant, I put my arm around Tom and said, “I’m so glad you had that moment with your dad.”

Tom smiled. “Me, too.”

Takeaway points: It’s usually the small, simple things that are meaningful for both the dying person and the loved one who is with them. If you are a companion to a dying person sometime, just take a deep breath and follow your heart. And remember, you don’t have to “do” anything if you don’t want, just being there is often enough.

Do you have a favorite story of sitting with someone you loved in his or her last days?

Every morning when I go to my car, I have spider webs on both side mirrors. And every morning I drive my car and the webs are ruined. Yet, there they are again the next day.

I rarely see the weavers of these webs, but when I do, my admiration for their tenacity causes me to shoo them back behind the mirror to a safe place for our road trip. And, try as I might, I can’t help but apologize to the tiny critters for ruining their creations.

The other day I was driving to town and I casually glanced in my right side mirror. There, clinging to the one remaining strand of his web, was one of my car spiders. He was in a little ball to cut down on wind resistance and I could actually see his little legs wrapped around the bucking strand.

“Ack!” I shouted as though he could both hear and understand me, “Hang on!”

Here’s our story and the lessons I learned from him:

1. Hold on for dear life until things slow down.

Although I considered stopping so he could scurry behind the mirror, there really wasn’t any safe place for me to pull off. So, when I could, I peeked over at him to make sure he was still there. He was and he didn’t move from his place on the strand until I stopped at an intersection.

I was impressed by this little creature’s wisdom to stay where he was and hunker down when he faced a sudden and unexpected storm in his life.

2. Take cover!

As the wind subsided for him when I slowed the car down, the spider rushed up the strand to safety. For some reason, he couldn’t get all the way behind the mirror, but he squished himself up between the mirror and its casing. I could see as I drove along that he was still feeling some of the wind, but he had moved himself to a much safer place.

3. Dash out and work on things during a lull.

At the next stoplight, I was horrified to see the spider dart down the strand about midway as I slowed the car. “Hey!” I shouted again, “Get back in there!” The light was already green and I knew I needed to speed up and create the terrible wind for him again.

During the brief lull, though, he seemed to be working on the strand, perhaps fixing a weak point. His little legs flew in and around the thin filament and I imagined that he felt a sense of urgency to get as much done as he could during this relatively safe period of time.

4. It’s okay to hunker down again if necessary.

As I picked up speed, the spider felt the air rush against him and again scampered to the safety of the top of the mirror.

When I arrived at my destination, I got out of the car and walked around to the right side of the car. I shook my finger at the brave little guy and said, “Now you stay there!” I didn’t really care if passersby thought I was a little goofy to be shaking my finger at a mirror and talking to it. This spider and I had been through the wringer together.

And he did stay there. He perched on top of the mirror all the way home.

5. Keep trying.

The next morning when I went out to my car, there between my mirror and the door was a beautiful, glistening spider web.

Takeaway points: Life’s storms can rise up suddenly and swiftly. Sometimes you have to hang on for dear life for awhile before you can scamper to a more safe and peaceful place, even as the storm rages around you. Wait for lulls in the storm before dashing out to do some repairs and then scurrying to safety again. And remember the spider’s last lesson: Every day he builds a web and (almost) every day it gets destroyed. I have yet to see a spider stomping around complaining about how unfair life is. Instead, he immediately goes about his life’s work of creating, resting, and repairing . . . creating, resting, and repairing.

What lessons do you learn from my car spider?

When I was a young therapist, I was very grateful for the ground-breaking work of Dr. Marsha Linehan. I had just read her new (in 1993) book, Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder, and was both intrigued and relieved to find an effective approach to this very difficult disorder.

Since then, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), the treatment described in the book, has become a staple of mental health treatment throughout the United States. Dr. Linehan is recognized around the world for her creative, yet pragmatic research that resulted in this life-saving treatment.

What started her on the path to developing DBT? Linehan, 68, recently has “come out” to reveal her own struggles with mental illness and borderline personality disorder in her late teenage and early adult years. Her experience being institutionalized formed her life mission to make sure others did not also end up there.

Her story, appearing on nytimes.com, is a must-read not only because it is inspirational, but also because of two main points that are keys to leading a resilient, peaceful life.

1. Accept life as it is, not as it is supposed to be.

Linehan found that much of her inner turmoil was the result of despair that her life was so far from what she had envisioned it to be. Once she experienced what she now calls “radical acceptance,” she experienced an inner peace she had never known before. Although she still experienced extreme emotions, she found them easier to manage due to her newfound understanding.

Even if we don’t struggle with extreme emotional swings, how many times do we fight against what is and focus instead on what could be? How much do we overlook what we already have by always trying to find what is missing?

2. Change is possible.

Linehan started tracking how her emotions were triggered and how these emotions led to destructive behaviors. She then learned to recognize the triggers as well as make changes in her behavior. The result was a much more stable, peaceful life.

Do you think change is possible for you? It’s easy to think that we are “set in our ways” and therefore can’t change. But perhaps this is just an excuse to avoid some hard work. You have to ask yourself: Is peace worth the effort?

Takeaway points: Stop and take stock of your life. Accepting where you are and who you are, even with all of your foibles and flaws, will allow you to move toward peace in your life. Believing that change is always possible gives you leeway to try new behaviors that will help you bounce back from the toughest challenges life can throw at you.

What do you think of Marsha Linehan’s story and her work?

The other day I was having lunch with my friend Kay. We were getting caught up on each other’s lives and Kay was talking about a mood downswing that occurred a few weeks back.

“How are you feeling now?” I asked. “I know that was kind of a tough time for you. I didn’t hear from you very much.”

Kay looked a bit sheepish and finally said, “Well, I was thinking to myself, ‘Bobbi’s all about resilience and she’ll want me to be resilient through this.’” She emphasized the word resilient with a big sigh. “And I just didn’t feel like I was in a place to bounce back from how I was feeling at the time.”

I nodded. “I’m so glad you shared this with me, Kay. I think it’s time I wrote a little more about this very thing.”

 

With that in mind, here are four myths about resilience that may have been a secret to you until now.

 

1. You must be resilient at all times.

Can we be anything all the time? Resilience is a practice and there are times we are better at it than others. And part of resilience is flexibility and belief that your body, mind, and spirit know your own timing better than anyone else – and that includes when to use resilience skills.

 

2. There’s something wrong with me if I feel sad and down in the dumps. I must not be very resilient.

Who says? Feelings just are, they don’t mean anything about you in general. It’s a mistake to equate a feeling with a trait: “I’m sad = I’m not resilient = I’m bad.” Your emotion is just a clue as to what is going on inside you. See #1 for the timing thing again. And take a look at Colleen Haggerty’s great post about this very thing.

 

3. Resilience means bouncing back immediately from whatever has you down.

Oh gosh, I hope not. It took me years to bounce back from the death of my partner. Although I like the phrase “bounce back,” it can sometimes be taken to mean that the bounce happens quickly. In actuality, that bounce may feel like it is in Super Slo Mo. And that’s okay.

 

4. Once I bounce back from a crisis, I shouldn’t have a “relapse” – it should be over.

Ummmm, not exactly. The path that resilience takes us on can often be very much like an upward spiral. We continue on an upward path, but there are times when we have to go past that point of pain again. At that place, we may get knocked down again, stay in the same place for awhile, or keep moving upward, albeit slowly.

Takeaway points: Resilience is a practice, and as in sports, sometimes we have a good practice and other times we feel like we’ve never played this game before. Sometimes we pick up the sport immediately and have a talent for it and other times it is a struggle and takes a long time. The key is to be okay with wherever you are today.

What other myths about resilience can you think of?

 

If you liked this post, you may also like one of my previous posts, 5 ways to be okay with where you are.