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This month’s bounce boosters address resilience for the new year. Some are thoughtful and some are optimistic, but the imp in me couldn’t resist bookending this post with a couple of extra ones by Mark Twain and Ogden Nash. Twain quips about the inanity of resolutions while Nash gives his usual wink-and-nod to society in general. Enjoy!

Mark Twain

New Year’s Day:  Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions.  Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.

1. Ellen Goodman

We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched.  Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives… not looking for flaws, but for potential.

2. Joey Adams

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.

3. Alfred, Lord Tennyson

Ring out the old, ring in the new,
Ring, happy bells, across the snow:
The year is going, let him go;
Ring out the false, ring in the true.

4.  T.S. Eliot

For last year’s words belong to last year’s language and next year’s words await another voice.

5. Edith Lovejoy Pierce

We will open the book.  Its pages are blank.  We are going to put words on them ourselves.  The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year’s Day.

Ogden Nash

Every New Year is the direct descendant, isn’t it, of a long line of proven criminals?

What’s your favorite quote?

I’m proud to announce that PsychCentral.com asked me to write my own blog for their site! Please take a look at Bounce Back:Develop Your Resiliency. I already have a couple of posts up about the theme of the blog as well as one showing how early resiliency research helps us today.

Please check out my new blog and the other terrific resources available at PsychCentral!

If you have a habit of setting resolutions for the new year, it’s time to re-think the process. The biggest problem with resolutions? They set you up for failure. Here are the two main ways they do this:

• They inevitably create the thought, “I must do this. If I don’t follow through, it means I’m ____________ (a loser, a jerk, fill in the blank with your own judgmental label.)”
• They tend to be something that is too big of a step or too much out of your daily norm to be achievable. For example, you resolve to go to the gym five days per week and work out for two hours per visit when you haven’t exercised in the last three years.

Now, I’m certainly all for taking responsibility for yourself and making changes where needed. But I think it’s really important to go about change in a way that is realistic and doesn’t have you feeling like a schmuck if you fail occasionally.

Break it down

Those of you who have read my blog for awhile know I am a fan of etymology – word origins. Let’s look at the original meaning of “resolution”:

Early 15c., “a breaking into parts,” from L. resolutionem (nom. resolutio) “process of reducing things into simpler forms”.

So, resolution actually means to break things down to make them simpler. The definition of resolution meaning “to hold firmly” didn’t appear until more than a hundred years later.

If it works best for you to have a goal to work toward, be sure to break things down and make it simpler for yourself. So, using our exercise example, perhaps you want to start by going for a walk every day to prepare your body for more vigorous exercise rather than immediately jumping into a gym schedule that is impossible for your body to tolerate.

Set an intention

My friend and colleague, Annis Cassells, wrote a nice piece about this on her blog the other day and I encourage you to check it out. An intention is a way of seeing yourself making the change as though it is happening right now. The language differs like this:

Resolution: I will go to the gym five days per week and work out for at least two hours each session.

Intention: I am healthy and fit.

Notice how the resolution boxes you into an all-or-nothing mindset and is set in the future – I will. The intention helps you see yourself as meeting your goal right now – I am. The more you tune in to this intention, the more you will make choices that help you come in line with it.

 

Takeaway points: Resolutions box you in and inevitably lead to failure and negative feelings about yourself. Making things simpler and setting intentions for yourself can generate the same results you were after with the resolutions, but go about it in a much gentler, more realistic and effective way.

 Do resolutions work for you?

 

 Photo credit: Gigi Ibrahim

 

Need help setting your intentions or breaking things down to make them simpler? I’m available for a therapy appointment! Call me at 650-529-9059 or email me for an appointment or a free 30-minute phone consultation.

 

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. ~Lewis Smedes

 

Holding onto anger and hurt interferes with the ability to bounce back from painful events. Please read my guest post on ThinkSimpleNow.com for a story about forgiveness and unexpected healing.

After my partner, Ruth, died in 2004, I found solace in a most unusual source. Our sixteen-year-old calico cat, Daisy.

Now, I know pets are often a great source of comfort to us, but Daisy was special. She was blind. I always thought I would need to take care of her after she suddenly lost her sight for some unknown reason when she was about fifteen. “Sometimes this just happens to older cats,” our vet had said at the time, shrugging her shoulders.

But Daisy didn’t really need any extra care. When I moved shortly after Ruth died, my cousin and I taught Daisy how to make a particularly tricky trek through the new house to her litter box by leading her with the smell of pungent treats. But other than that, Daisy easily found her way around, bumping her nose gently along the walls until her routine became established.

Not only did Daisy not need extra care, she often took care of me. My tears brought her to me rather than scaring her away. A loving cat, she often lay on my lap, purring with utter contentment at her blissful moment of connection with me.

Daisy inspired me as well as comforted me. One day, I lay on my bed, feeling hopeless about the intense pain of grief that seemed endless. Daisy bumped her way into the room and then curled up on my stomach, purring as always.

After awhile, she decided on a change of venue so she rose and made her way to the edge of the bed. I watched as she inched along until she felt the mattress curve away. Then she leapt down and ventured off into another room.

Watching her, I realized what courage it took for her to leap into space without being able to see what was in front of her. I reached for a pen and piece of paper and this haiku came forth:

Daisy leaps downward

Unable to see the floor

Faith guides ev’ry step

Her courageous leap helped me understand that, even though I couldn’t see the end to my grief, perhaps faith would guide my steps as well. And although I lacked her confidence, I eventually found my way into a new normal, bumping along the rough edges of life.

Daisy died as peacefully as she had lived. And I remain grateful to her for her tender companionship during my dark days and for her enduring lessons of faith, joy, and complete contentment in each moment.

Takeaway points: Sometimes we have to leap into the unknown with the faith that something will help us land, even if we can’t see it.

What have you learned from your four-legged companions?

Having trouble seeing where you’re going to land? I’m glad to help you develop your everyday, ordinary courage. Call me at 650-529-9059 or email me to set up a therapy appointment.

Did you know there’s a great way to calm yourself down during holiday madness and really enjoy the season at the same time? It’s called grounding.

One of the main reasons we experience stress during the holidays is because we are thinking, perceiving, and yes, perhaps even ruminating, about presents to buy, food to prepare, and making everything just perfect.

Of course, thinking, perceiving, and ruminating are all located in the mind. We get so caught up in what’s going on “out there” (our minds) that we forget about what’s happening “in here” (our bodies.)

Grounding helps bring us back to what is happening in the current moment by utilizing our five senses. This has two delightful effects during the holidays: It helps to give our busy minds a break and we get to really indulge in the pleasures of the season.

Here are some suggestions for grounding yourself during this busy time of year:

Smell

Take a big breath in through your nose, noticing what you smell. If you’re inside, do you notice the scent of the Christmas tree, the pie in the oven, or the cookies on the counter?

If you’re outside, see if you can smell the nip in the air or the scent of the turning leaves.

Sight

Notice the way the Hanukkah candle flickers and dances when someone walks by.

Keep your eye on one snowflake as it floats softly from the sky to the ground.

Sit quietly for a moment and really see your family and the people at your holiday party.

Touch

When you are in your kitchen and feel the stress rising, stop for a moment and put your hand on the kitchen counter. Notice how cool it is, how smooth.

Hug your child and feel the texture of her clothes and the warmth of her body.

While wrapping presents, pay attention to how the paper feels on your fingertips as you make a crease. Notice the stickiness of the tape as you apply it.

Take a deep breath in and feel your chest and belly expand. Notice your skin as your clothes gently rub against it on your exhale.

Hearing

Listen to the difference in people’s voices around the holidays. Do you notice a tinge of excitement? Anxiety? Joy?

During holiday meals, listen to the buzz around the table, the clinking of dishes, the sounds of gustatory delight.

After a holiday get-together, sit in your favorite chair and notice the more subtle sounds of the clock ticking, the crackle of the fireplace, the hum of the heater, and the particular creaks and noises of a house settling in for the night.

Taste

I saved the best for last! There’s nothing like the taste of the holidays, but how often do you actually take the time to savor it?

This year, feel the texture of the latkes on your tongue.

Notice the smooth creaminess of the pumpkin pie and the hint of cinnamon on your taste buds.

How does that eggnog feel on your lips? And what do your lips taste like when you lick the delicious concoction from them?

 

Takeaway points: There are so many sights, sounds, smells, feelings, and tastes of the season that we let pass by. This year, enjoy them more by really noticing them. I know you’ll also find that your stress level will decrease as you find yourself not in your head, but in your body and in the moment.

 

From my family to yours, enjoy the holidays!

I was standing in line at the checkout counter of a busy store earlier today. People juggled armloads full of Christmas gifts as they waited in the queue. The couple behind me chatted in Spanish. A man who had actually made it up to the cashier was being a jerk and loudly berating the cashier for some unknown transgression. A woman walked by with an angry look on her face which turned even uglier when she saw the length of the line.

Shifting my weight to my other foot as I waited, I let out a sigh. Andrea and I have yet to put up a tree, a menorah, lights, or anything indicative of the season. It’s been a tough month with the loss of our 19-year-old cat on one day followed by the loss of Andrea’s close friend, Cathy, the next. And then we topped that off with news that a very dear friend of mine has had her ovarian cancer return after years of remission.

I wrote to my sister the other day: My ho-ho-ho has turned into oh-oh-oh.

As I stood there in line observing people who were struggling with the holiday spirit, too, I was determined not to be drawn into their negative space. I started humming along with the familiar holiday tune that was piped in through the store’s audio system.

After awhile, I realized that someone else was humming, too. The Latina lady behind me was humming to the music and, unknowingly, along with me as well. I smiled as we shared this moment of unity. We couldn’t speak each other’s language, but we certainly could sing together and savor even a small gift from standing in a line at a crowded store.

As I left the store after making my purchases, I thought about that tiny moment with my unknown singing partner. I felt a connection to her just through a common thing we all do – humming along to music. I know if I had turned around, we would have shared a smile as well.

The grumpy man and angry woman in the line had me focusing on what was wrong with this holiday season, but the woman behind me reminded me what was right. Holidays are rituals and they are meant to be communal, meant to unify us and remind us of our shared humanity no matter what language we speak or what mood we’re in.

Hmmm . . . maybe I will get out some of our holiday décor after all.

Takeaway points: It’s really easy to get caught up in the aspects of the holiday season that are difficult. If you look around a little, you might find some unexpected gifts. Great tool for your special Holiday Resiliency Toolkit!

How are the holidays for you?

Need some help through the holidays? Give me a call at 650-529-9059 or email me for a therapy appointment or free 30-minute consult.

I recently heard a story where some elite athletes achieved record times in their races, but were still unhappy because they had only shaved one-hundredth of a second off their time instead of the one-tenth of a second they were shooting for.

It brought up the question of whether it’s okay to to be upset when you fail to reach your goal. Shouldn’t we just tell ourselves and others, “It’s okay – you tried. It’s all about the process”?

I had to chew on this for awhile because, as regular readers of this blog know, I’m a big proponent of experiencing and valuing the process.

Then, serendipitously, this morning I received Doug Toft’s newest blog post, “Resolving the Tension Between Self-Acceptance and Self-Improvement.” He dissects essentially the same thing I had been thinking about: Which is more important – constantly improving or embracing the philosophy of being perfect just the way we are?

I think Doug has the right answer to this question: Yes.

He writes:

Stop holding self-acceptance and self-improvement as opposites and forcing ourselves to choose one or the other. Instead, see them both as part of an underlying change process.

Self-acceptance does not stop us from changing. In fact, acceptance—non-judgmental self-awareness—promotes positive change.

In order to be in an elite category, athletes must hold themselves to an extremely high standard. They have to maintain a certain level of stress that impels them to perform at their best. So it makes sense that they would be chagrined when, even if they do well, they fall short of their own expectations.

I think the problem for them – and for all of us – is when we equate achievements, goals, and self-improvement with our intrinsic self-worth. This is the stumbling block.

Does recording a race time of 22:54 instead of the 22:44 she is aiming for mean an athlete is an unworthy person? When we non-athletes are trying to improve ourselves in some way and we fall short, does that decrease our worthiness as a person? Of course not.

Does the athlete have the right to be upset with herself about her time? Is it okay if we are frustrated that we did not achieve what we set out to do?

Yes, because allowing disappointment and frustration to be motivating forces can be a good thing. And taking responsibility for ourselves and our actions is definitely a good thing.

The problem arrives when we hold judgments about ourselves that lead us to believe we are somehow fundamentally flawed because we did not achieve our goal. And that, my friend, is just not the case.

So, as Doug reminds us, this is really not an ‘either-or proposition’ – either I achieve my goal or I give up on goals and just accept myself – it’s a ‘both-and’ proposition: I both can strive for my goal and accept myself for the intrinsically worthy person I am.

Takeaway points: Although we often receive the message that it’s okay not to achieve a goal (and it really is), it’s also okay to have high expectations and allow the frustration of not meeting that goal motivate you. The key is to make sure you don’t get achievement mixed up with your own intrinsic worth.

What are your thoughts about achievement and self-acceptance?