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Part of being resilient in the outer world is learning to be resilient in our inner worlds. If we
 don’t have a solid concept of who we really are inside, then it is much more likely that events happening outside are going to rock both our inner and outer worlds, and not in a good way.

With that in mind, I want to present some thoughts from two women I admire greatly: writer Anne Lamott and shame researcher Brene Brown.

I first shared these words from Anne Lamott in a previous post called Becoming the person you were meant to be:

We begin to find and become ourselves when we notice how we are already found, already truly, entirely, wildly, messily, marvelously who we were born to be. The only problem is that there is also so much other stuff, typically fixations with how people perceive us, how to get more of the things that we think will make us happy, and with keeping our weight down. So the real issue is how do we gently stop being who we aren’t? (My emphases.)

 

And here are some thoughts from Brene Brown’s book The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are.

When we spend a lifetime trying to distance ourselves from the parts of our lives that don’t fit with who we think we’re supposed to be, we stand outside of our story and hustle for our worthiness by constantly performing, perfecting, pleasing, and proving. (p.23)

Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.

Choosing authenticity means

• cultivating the courage to be imperfect, to set boundaries, and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable;
• exercising the compassion that comes from knowing that we are all made of strength and struggle; and
• nurturing the connection and sense of belonging that can only happen when we believe that we are enough.

Authenticity demands Wholehearted living and loving – even when it’s hard, even when we’re wrestling with the shame and fear of not being good enough, and especially when the joy is so intense that we’re afraid to let ourselves feel it.

Mindfully practicing authenticity during our most soul-searching struggles is how we invite grace, joy, and gratitude into our lives. (p.50)

 

Takeaway points: Even though we are so often encouraged to be someone we aren’t, only cultivating the courage to be our true selves allows us to live freely and authentically – a good recipe for resilience.

 

I know I sometimes struggle with authenticity and feel the pressure to be someone other than my true self. How about you?

Brown, Brene. The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. 2010. Hazelden; Minnesota.

I often write about your “resiliency toolkit” so I want to give you a handy summary of the tools that have been mentioned here on the Bounce blog. The links on each tool will lead you to the past blogs that highlight that tool.

• Acceptance – the art of being realistic about your world and what is happening in it – good or bad.

There are many subsets to this tool such as acknowledging your emotions, even when they are “bad“, learning non-resistance, and accepting life as it is not as it should be.There are also more thoughts about acceptance here, here, and in this post about bouncing back after financial loss.

• Social support – generating and accepting help and emotional support from others.

This tool is also discussed here, here, and this recent post about how to take it when you can’t take it anymore.

• Gaining perspective – learning to look at life and adversity from a variety of different angles.

There’s more about perspective here as well as this little story about choosing to expand.

• Being in the moment – appreciating the here and now helps increase your gratitude and decrease worries about the future.

See how being in the moment helps increase “positivity.”

• The art of holding two opposing things at the same time – this strange tool usually has to do with experiencing two opposite emotions (joy/pain) or thoughts at the same time (“I love my kid/I can’t stand my kid right now”) AND being okay with it.

This is really a subset of acceptance, but it’s such an important little tool, I wanted to set it apart for you.

Here’s a quick list of several more tools:

• Problem-solving – sometimes you have to take action to bounce back from adversity.
• See what you can learn – the best lessons for growth and satisfaction often come from the really tough times.
• Look for the gifts – the sand that irritates the oyster eventually becomes a pearl.
• Find meaning in adversity– generate hope by seeing tough times a new way.
• Be okay with making mistakes – and that’s all there is to say about that!

And finally . . .

• Don’t give up – persistence will pay off. (You can ask my car spider.)

Takeaway points: Although there are many more tools to come, it’s good to take stock of what’s in your toolkit occasionally.

What’s in your toolbox that I haven’t mentioned yet?

If you’d like to add therapy to your resiliency toolkit, I’m available for you. Please email me or call me at 650-529-9059.

Photo courtesy of sarchi.

I had a big shock the other day. When I went to pick up my monthly prescription, the pharmacy tech hesitated before she handed it to me.

“You know how much it costs, right?” she asked.

“Sure. Thirty-five dollars,” I said confidently. The cost had been thirty-five dollars since I had met my deductible earlier in the year.

The pharmacy tech looked down at my bill and leaned forward toward me over the counter. “It’s four hundred and fifteen dollars,” she whispered.

“What?!” I nearly shouted, “That can’t be! I met my deductible a long time ago.”

The pharmacy tech looked as though this wasn’t the first time she’d received this type of reaction. “I’m sorry, ma’m,” she said, sympathetically.

I left the store and sat in my car as I called my insurance company. After fiddling with menus and tersely responding, “Yes. No.” to the many automated options, I finally sputtered, “REPRESENTATIVE!” Once I was connected to a human being, I told my story three times to help the representative understand that, yes, I had met my deductible in March. Finally, he put me on hold briefly then came back on to tell me that I had also unfortunately met my “prescription cap” for the year.

Oh. I weakly thanked him and hung up. I felt a knot of panic form in my stomach. I was sure the insurance company had made a mistake about my deductible or someone had just hit the wrong key on a computer somewhere. But it wasn’t so. Because my medication had been increased, it cost more than it had in the past and I had truly hit the top of my prescription coverage.

I sat quietly in my car as the gravity of the situation sunk in. I took the medication monthly, I had to pay the full amount in January and February each year until I met my deductible and now I was going to have to pay the full amount from September through . . . Oh, no. I would have to pay four hundred and fifteen dollars per month for half of the year.

Like many people, the recession hasn’t been particularly kind to me. I sat in my car trying to fight the panic rising from my stomach and coming up into my throat. Where was I going to find an extra four hundred dollars per month? I had to have the medication, I couldn’t just stop it.

I went back into the store and paid four hundred and fifteen dollars for less than a handful of pills. On the way home, my mind flitted through a dozen different ways that I might be able to save money here, cut expenses there. I took a deep breath and loosened my grip on the steering wheel. I noticed my anxiety and thought, “Well, I just had a big expense I wasn’t expecting, no wonder I’m freaked out.”

I started to relax even more, suddenly feeling my confidence starting to seep back in through the cracks in my anxiety. I paid attention to this new feeling. Where was this coming from?

Then I got it; I realized what I was doing. I have been noticing and writing about resiliency for so long that I had automatically engaged some of my resiliency coping skills without even thinking about it. I allowed myself to experience the natural emotions that come with an unpleasant surprise; I acknowledged that this news was freaking me out. But instead of staying with my anxiety, my mind immediately started to seek out ways to solve the problem. I also noticed my own thoughts and my physical experience and took a deep breath to relax. As my body relaxed, my mind was able to slow down and come up with even more ideas to address the situation.

By the time I arrived home, I was still feeling somewhat shaken, but I had also developed several options to pursue that would help, if not resolve, the prescription problem. At the same time, I was proud of myself for reflexively using the tools in my resiliency toolkit to help me quickly recover from an unexpected shock.

So, the moral of this story is not so much the actual tools that I used, but the fact that the practice and repetition involved in thinking about resiliency allowed me to act quickly on my own behalf.

Takeaway point: The more you think about and practice your own resiliency skills, the more prepared you will be when life throws you a curveball. So make sure to notice and be conscious of the coping skills that work for you.

How confident are you with the tools in your resiliency toolkit?

I’ve been talking via email with a friend whose teenage daughter has Asperger’s Syndrome. Our online conversation was mostly about the highs and lows of raising her neuro-diverse daughter and she shared with me many of the gifts that come along with having a special needs child.

Then, one day, this was the message in my inbox:

Today is a day in the trenches! It’s a battle and I’m bawling in my coffee. This journey is joy and pain in every aspect of those words. My knees are bloody on this life path. My guilt over wanting my life (before it was chucked under the special needs bus) back is outweighing my good will today. A special needs child “needs” almost all of the time. There is also the alienation aspect of this life in the foreground today. It’s very hard for me to relate to neuro-typical people. I hear people gripe and moan about “normal” problems and I want to cause them bodily harm! 🙂 Some days are frustration!

While my heart ached for my friend, I was also really impressed with her message because she was actually demonstrating a lot of resilience.

“What?” I can hear you asking, “Where’s the resilience in this horrible day for her?” Let’s look a little more closely at her resiliency skills.

1. Sharing pain with a friend.

Instead of keeping these really difficult, raw thoughts and emotions to herself where they might boil inside her, she shared them with me. Using friends as a pressure valve can prevent your boiling emotions from scalding your heart.

2. The art of holding two opposing things at the same time.

This is a really tricky thing to do. You can see it in the sentence This journey is joy and pain in every aspect of those words. Joy/pain, guilt/good will. It really is possible to hold two different emotions – and even opposing – emotions and be okay with it.

I’ve often heard people who are grieving say, “I’m so confused. I’m devastated that he’s gone, yet I feel relieved at the same time. Which one is the right emotion? Should I feel relief or devastation?” To which my answer is, “Yes.”  Both are appropriate and – although a weird sensation – it’s perfectly okay to experience both things at once.

3. Acknowledging emotions.

One of my favorite things about my friend’s message is that she doesn’t beat around the bush about how she’s feeling. Today is a day in the trenches . . . it’s a battle . . . my knees are bloody . . . Acceptance of your own experience and emotions is key to being resilient; the awareness allows you to be very realistic with yourself about how hard life is at the moment so you can best figure out a plan to bounce back.

4. Realizing that this is how it feels today.

Notice how my friend acknowledged her feelings of today: Today is a day in the trenches! My guilt is outweighing my good will today. Alienation is in the foreground today. Some days are frustration.

She is able to put things in perspective: today sucks. But notice how she doesn’t say, “My life is always in the trenches. I feel guilty all the time. I’m constantly isolated and alienated.” Her recognition that today is a really bad day automatically gives her hope for tomorrow. And realistically so, since she’s relying on her past experience to realize that there have been bad days in the past and she’s always made it through.

5. Using humor.

I couldn’t help smiling at some of my friend’s writing. She’s a very funny person anyway, and I could see that, even though this day was hell, her humor was still buffering it for her: I’m bawling in my coffee . . . my life was chucked under the special needs bus . . . I hear people gripe and moan about “normal” problems and I want to cause them bodily harm! It’s dark humor, but it’s humor nonetheless and a great way to take the sting off of the painful reality of her emotions and experience.

Takeaway points: Sometimes even the worst days can bring out the best resiliency skills in you. Give yourself some credit, even when you feel like life has you down for the count.

What stands out for you about my friend’s message?

Andrea gets nervous each time she steps up to the starting line with her Collie, Georgia, at agility trials.

And I say the same thing each time she sets off for their run, “Remember . . .”

“I know, I know. Breathe!” she says with only a mild air of exasperation.

 

1. Should I run or should I breathe?

Okay, maybe it is a bit annoying to frequently be reminded to “take a deep breath” as though it will solve the world’s problems. But try this right now: take a deep breath and let your shoulders sag on the exhale. There. Did you happen to notice how good the deep breath felt? It’s because you tend to breathe in a shallow way when you’re concentrating on something. Did you also notice that your shoulders were tense, maybe up around your ears? We carry a lot of tension in our shoulders and neck and muscle tension signals to the rest of the body that we are getting ready to do something, that we need to be alert and on guard. And all of this tells our sympathetic nervous systems to rev up which results in . . . shallow breathing (and a lot more.)

So, there we are at our computers, very much in fight-or-flight mode, as though we need to be ready in case a monster jumps out of the monitor at us.

Yuck. Who wants to be that alert all the time? (Although it’s probably good for security guards and long-distance truckers.) It really just causes more stress than we need for the task at hand.

The remedy? Just take that deep breath every once in awhile. Set your watch or phone to go off every 15 minutes or so to remind you to take a deep breath. Your body will get much-needed oxygen, your muscles will relax, and your calming parasympathetic system will kick in with at least a few minutes of physical and mental relief.

 

2. Take a breath, solve a problem

Being able to effectively problem-solve is an essential resiliency skill. And here’s how taking a breath can help: When you take the time to concentrate on taking a deep breath, it encourages mindfulness – the state of being aware of yourself and your surroundings. So not only is your body more relaxed by taking a breath, your mind is also more focused on the here and now and not skipping three steps ahead in a problem-solving sequence.

And – this is important – taking a breath before acting creates a pause that allows you to think through how you want to act. This can be very handy when you’re having a disagreement with someone and you need to think before saying something you might regret later.

 

And-a-half: Maybe breathing will solve the world’s problems

An old Coke commercial featured a song that said, “I’d like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony.” Maybe if we all practiced breathing together, we could drop our differences – even for a little while – and be in perfect harmony. The website Do As One aims for just this goal. It’s a great way to take time out and practice your breathing with others.

 

Epilogue: Andrea gets Georgia excited for their turn at the agility course. Then she stands up, takes a deep breath, focuses, and off they go, enjoying the moment.

 

Takeaway points: Even though it’s old hat to “take a deep breath” to reduce stress, it really does work! And this simple action is also a great way to increase everyday resiliency.

Do you ever find yourself in fight-or-flight mode when doing routine things? When does taking a deep breath help you the most?

Once again, words of wisdom from ancient and current sages:

1. Annie Dillard

You do not have to sit outside in the dark. If, however, you want to look at the stars, you will find that darkness is necessary. But the stars neither require nor demand it.

2. Mark Twain

A thing long expected takes the form of the unexpected when at last it comes.

3. Helen Keller

I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks as if they were great and noble.

4. Victor Hugo

Be like the bird, pausing in his flight

On limb too slight,

Feels it give way, yet sings,

Knowing he has wings.

5. Mary Ann Radmacher

Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying . . . “I will try again tomorrow.”

What’s your favorite quote?

A few weeks ago, after playing endless games of Cribbage (which I love) on my smartphone, I finally got bored and went to the apps section to see what else I could download to play with. I tend to be the word puzzle kind of game player, but I was tickled to see Angry Birds pop up on the menu of available games. I had heard about the game, but I have an Android phone and Angry Birds was only available on iPhones. Until recently, apparently.

Click, click, download done. I quickly figured out the simple rules and just as quickly was hooked along with the millions of other Angry Bird players. (And somewhat to the annoyance of Andrea and our dogs who get just a little tired of the sound effects.)

Angry Birds

If you haven’t played Angry Birds, the premise is pretty simple. The good guys are a group of colorful and pudgy birds. The bad guys are the green, round-faced, grunting pigs who have stolen the birds’ eggs. The aim is to wipe out the pigs in a progressive series of scenarios so the birds can get their eggs back. This is done by launching the birds from a slingshot toward the pigs who are invariably hiding in some kind of protective shelter. Most of the birds have a secret weapon like an egg-bomb or super-speed but there are a limited number of birds to use in each round so you have to figure out the most expedient way to use the birds to knock down the pigs’ shelter, pop the pigs, and rack up points. You have to get all of the pigs in order to move on to the next round. (Note: No actual pigs or birds are harmed in the playing of this game. Nor does it make you feel like doing so.)

Crosswords

So, I’ve been playing a lot of Angry Birds. And doing crossword puzzles. My favorite way to relax is to do a crossword puzzle. Being a glutton for punishment I don’t choose just any crossword; no, I do the NY Times Sunday crossword, known as one of the more difficult newspaper puzzles. I’m on my second volume of the NY Times Sunday Crossword Omnibus, each volume containing 200 puzzles. I don’t always get every puzzle, but I’m getting much better and am thrilled when I complete one correctly.

Can you learn anything from games?

A few days back, I started wondering: What is it about these games that I like so much? As I thought this through, I realized what I like about them are things that actually help to build resiliency.

1. Feeling satisfied with a job well done.

Each time I hear the birds “woo-hoo” in victory or fill in the last boxes of a crossword, I feel a sense of accomplishment and efficacy. It’s just a small thing and not one that’s likely to change the world in a significant way, but celebrating the small achievements in life like this is a way to increase your sense of competency so that you have more confidence in your own abilities when bigger issues arise. So, the next time you advance a level in your favorite game or finish something that was hard, stop and tell yourself, “Hey, I did that! Great job!”

2. Learning to see things from a different angle.

Most people are surprised when they hear me say this, but I tend to not see the forest for the trees. I can get very bogged down in the specifics of what is presented to me and have a hard time seeing the big picture. Thus, I always value activities and moments when I think of something in a different way. (Sidenote: I enjoyed Roger van Oech’s A Whack on the Side of the Head for this very reason.)

Crossword puzzles have been great at teaching me this skill. The more difficult crosswords are often built on puns within the clues or the theme of the puzzle. For example, the theme of last night’s crossword was “The Other Half.” The trick is to figure out the long answers in the puzzle that reflect the theme so you can more easily solve the puzzle. So, one of the clues was “Classic doll.” I filled in enough of the other answers to see the beginning of the long one was “Raggedy _ _ _ _.” Raggedy Ann? No, there were four spaces left. Raggedy Andy? Well, the ‘A’ worked, but not the rest of the letters. I paused and looked at the theme, “The Other Half.”

Hmmm. I made myself think about other options for this clue and answer given the theme, rather than only seeing Raggedy Ann or Raggedy Andy. The Other Half . . . aha! How about “Raggedy Amos”? Yes! It worked. Amos as in the other half of Amos ‘n Andy. The rest of the long answers came more readily after that.

Angry Birds has been a pleasant surprise in the “different angle” arena as well. It’s very easy to get locked into the idea that one must always use the birds’ secret weapons to achieve the goal. But, sometimes when I can get myself to think of doing something else, I just use the bird itself to crash into the pigs’ shelter, rather than having it explode or use super speed, methods that had not been working in past attempts.

One of the discoveries I get most tickled by is when I find what seems to be an obstacle actually helps to win the game. Maybe there is a rock or a wall between the bird and the pig and I can’t see how I’m going to be able to get the bird to the pig. Then I, finally, think about trying something totally out of the norm, and I shoot the bird at the obstacle. Sometimes, to my delight, the bird bounces off the barrier and right to where I need it to go. Success! I love it when I can open my mind a little and find that obstacles can be a springboard to success.

The next time you get stuck on a problem, stop, look around, and ask yourself if there is another way to see the problem that might generate different solutions.

Takeaway points: Games are fun but they can also be a delightful way to learn two important aspects of resiliency – the importance of celebrating any achievement, no matter how small, and the ability to look at things from a different angle.

My favorite takeaway from games is how much they have taught me to get a different perspective on things. I’ve learned a lot about life this way. Have you learned life lessons from games?

Photo credits to gkdavie, dtweney, and lgepr.

If you’d like to gain a different perspective on your life, I’m available for individualized therapy sessions. Call me at 650-380-6985 or email me.

A man was shipwrecked during a violent storm and could only keep afloat by clinging to a small piece of wood and treading water as though his legs were egg beaters.

“Oh God, save me!” he cried out in his despair.

In a little while, a life raft came by with other survivors. “Climb aboard with us!” they shouted, reaching their arms out to him.

“No, no, I’m a believer! I know God will save me!” he called back to them.

“Then at least take this life ring!”

“God will save me! Use your raft and life ring for yourselves,” the man sputtered between crashing waves.

The people in the life raft reluctantly moved on.

Soon, a Coast Guard vessel came by and rescuers jumped into the water with him. “Put on this life jacket and we’ll haul you up onto the boat!” they bellowed above the roar of the storm.

“No, no, I’m a man of faith – God will save me! There are people ahead of me in a life raft, maybe you can help them.”

So the rescuers moved on.

As the skies darkened, a helicopter came overhead and dropped down a harness. “Put the harness on and we’ll lift you to safety,” said a voice through a bullhorn.

“God will – glub, glub, – save me!” gasped the man as water filled his mouth, “I’m sure there are others out there you can help.”

The helicopter and crew flew away.

The seas became even wilder and the man, his legs finally exhausted, sank under the waves and drowned.

When he arrived in Heaven, he said to God, “Lord, I have been a faithful man all my life. Why did you not save me when I needed you?”

God smiled and gently said, “My son, I sent you a life raft, a life ring, a Coast Guard boat, and a helicopter. What more were you looking for?”

Opening of opportunities

I’m sure you’ve heard that story before. It’s a funny way to be reminded that sometimes opportunities are right in front of us, we just need to see them for what they are.

And it turns out that seizing on opportunities is a great resiliency skill. Researchers Emmy Werner and Ruth Smith followed the entire cohort of children born on the island of Kauai in 1955 from birth to age 40. They found that some of these children were in high-risk categories for not succeeding later in life: perinatal stress, chronic poverty, parents who had not graduated from high school, and family environments that were engulfed in the chronic discord of parental alcoholism and/or mental illness.

However, about a third of these high-risk children did very well in spite of the odds and, as the study went on, the researchers found that, as the cohort aged, even more of the sample became productive members of society and led lives that were satisfactory to them.

How did this happen? There are many protective factors that I’ve discussed in earlier posts, but the one that has stood out to me recently is the idea of the opening of opportunities.

Werner and Smith:

One of the most important lessons we learned from our follow-ups at ages 31/32 and 40 was that the opening of opportunities in the third and fourth decade of life led to major turning points among the overwhelming majority of the teenage mothers, the delinquent boys, and individuals who had struggled with mental health problems and/or learning disabilities in their teens. Among the most potent forces for positive change for these high-risk youths in adulthood were continuing education at community colleges; educational and vocational skills acquired during service in the armed forces; marriage to a stable partner; conversion to a religion that demanded active participating in a “community of faith”; recovery from a life-threatening illness or accident; and –to a much lesser extent – psychotherapy.

These people took the life ring that was thrown to them and found it to be life-changing. How about you? Do you look for opportunities that present themselves in your life?

Yum, that crow sure tastes good

The other day I was thinking about how I’d really like to increase my practice as the economy has taken its toll on my business as it has for many others. I went on about my day and later I received an email from an insurance company that wanted me to be a part of their Employee Assistance Program (EAP) panel.

“Insurance?” I thought to myself, “I don’t want to work with insurance companies.” And I deleted the email.

Lying in bed that night, musing about the events of my day, I suddenly started laughing. I was being just like the man who begged God to save him but turned aside every rescue opportunity provided to him. Here I was thinking about how to expand my practice and a “life ring” in the form of an insurance company had come along, only to have me ignore the opportunity because it was slightly out of my comfort zone.

The next day, I filled out the application for the EAP panel.

Takeaway points: Opportunities tend to be all around us, we just need to keep our minds open enough to see them. Sometimes, they are life-changing.

Werner, E.E. and Smith, R.S. (2001) Journeys from Childhood to Midlife: Risk, Resilience, and Recovery by Emmy E. Werner and Ruth S. Smith. New York, NY: Cornell University Press.

Photo by mikebaird