admin

I recently heard a story where some elite athletes achieved record times in their races, but were still unhappy because they had only shaved one-hundredth of a second off their time instead of the one-tenth of a second they were shooting for.

It brought up the question of whether it’s okay to to be upset when you fail to reach your goal. Shouldn’t we just tell ourselves and others, “It’s okay – you tried. It’s all about the process”?

I had to chew on this for awhile because, as regular readers of this blog know, I’m a big proponent of experiencing and valuing the process.

Then, serendipitously, this morning I received Doug Toft’s newest blog post, “Resolving the Tension Between Self-Acceptance and Self-Improvement.” He dissects essentially the same thing I had been thinking about: Which is more important – constantly improving or embracing the philosophy of being perfect just the way we are?

I think Doug has the right answer to this question: Yes.

He writes:

Stop holding self-acceptance and self-improvement as opposites and forcing ourselves to choose one or the other. Instead, see them both as part of an underlying change process.

Self-acceptance does not stop us from changing. In fact, acceptance—non-judgmental self-awareness—promotes positive change.

In order to be in an elite category, athletes must hold themselves to an extremely high standard. They have to maintain a certain level of stress that impels them to perform at their best. So it makes sense that they would be chagrined when, even if they do well, they fall short of their own expectations.

I think the problem for them – and for all of us – is when we equate achievements, goals, and self-improvement with our intrinsic self-worth. This is the stumbling block.

Does recording a race time of 22:54 instead of the 22:44 she is aiming for mean an athlete is an unworthy person? When we non-athletes are trying to improve ourselves in some way and we fall short, does that decrease our worthiness as a person? Of course not.

Does the athlete have the right to be upset with herself about her time? Is it okay if we are frustrated that we did not achieve what we set out to do?

Yes, because allowing disappointment and frustration to be motivating forces can be a good thing. And taking responsibility for ourselves and our actions is definitely a good thing.

The problem arrives when we hold judgments about ourselves that lead us to believe we are somehow fundamentally flawed because we did not achieve our goal. And that, my friend, is just not the case.

So, as Doug reminds us, this is really not an ‘either-or proposition’ – either I achieve my goal or I give up on goals and just accept myself – it’s a ‘both-and’ proposition: I both can strive for my goal and accept myself for the intrinsically worthy person I am.

Takeaway points: Although we often receive the message that it’s okay not to achieve a goal (and it really is), it’s also okay to have high expectations and allow the frustration of not meeting that goal motivate you. The key is to make sure you don’t get achievement mixed up with your own intrinsic worth.

What are your thoughts about achievement and self-acceptance?

Burn–out ‘b?rn-?aut : exhaustion of physical or emotional strength or motivation usually as a result of prolonged stress or frustration.

Feeling exhausted? Numb? Helpless? It may not just be from Christmas shopping, you might actually be suffering from a case of burnout.

Most of the research on burnout has been in the domain of work, but burnout can occur in just about any area of our lives. The leading researcher in the field, Berkeley professor Christina Maslach, has defined three dimensions of burnout:

1. Exhaustion. I’m an avid crossworder and when the clue is “exhausted”, the answer inevitably is “used up.” That’s what exhaustion feels like – being used up. It describes both physical and emotional depletion.

2. Depersonalization. Referring to burnout among human services workers, Maslach writes:

Depersonalization is an attempt to put distance between oneself and service recipients by actively ignoring the qualities that make them unique and engaging people . . . Outside of the human services, people use cognitive distancing by developing an indifference or cynical attitude when they are exhausted and discouraged.

So depersonalization distances us from other people – especially the ones who exhaust us – and generates a cynical attitude.

3. Inefficacy. This refers to a reduced sense of personal accomplishment. It either feels like you’re not getting things done no matter how hard you try, you just don’t have the time and resources available to complete the tasks you are expected to do, or you rarely get any positive feedback for what you are doing.

So, this is a pretty nasty trio: Feeling used up, cynical, and ineffective/unappreciated. You may have had a job where you experienced this, but I’m sure you can also see where burnout can occur in other spheres, too. I referred kiddingly to Christmas shopping earlier, but even the holidays can bring on a case of burnout. Too much stress to have things “perfect,” get that just-right gift, and meet high expectations of family and friends can  make you feel fatigued and as though you are just spinning your wheels.

Because Maslach mostly studies burnout in work environments, she has found that changing organizational dynamics is more effective in counteracting burnout than for only the individual to try to change his attitude about the job.

However, given that burnout can occur just about anywhere from the job to the family to seasonal celebrations, let’s look at some things you can do to prevent burnout from creeping up on you.

1. Pay attention to yourself. It’s easy to get so caught up in the world and what needs to be done in it that you end up being alienated from your own experience. Ask yourself these questions:

• How does my body feel? Am I tired? Do I have enough energy?
• How am I feeling emotionally? Am I getting cynical? Am I being snarky with others?
• Am I overwhelmed? Do I feel like things are piling up to the degree that I’ll never be able to catch up? Do I feel appreciated for what I do?

2. Ask yourself if it’s worth it. Is what you are doing worth the physical and emotional drain on your body and mind? When it comes to a job, sometimes we don’t have much choice, but if you are feeling burned out in other areas of your life, does it really matter so much that it’s worth harming yourself emotionally and physically? Burnout is all about stress, you know, and the detrimental effects of stress on health are well known.

3. What if you didn’t . . .? What would happen if you didn’t do whatever it is that is stressing you out? Would the sky fall in if you didn’t make Christmas fudge this year, didn’t volunteer at your son’s school for a few weeks or months, didn’t pack every hour of the work day with clients? If you took a day off to read a book or watch movies all day, would you really get that far behind?

4. Be assertive. Yes, I’m sure you sensed this one was coming: Just say no. It’s okay. When Junior’s teacher asks you to be the parent monitor at his class’s holiday party (for the umpteenth time because she knows you’ll say yes), say, “I’m glad to bring cookies for the party, but I can’t be the monitor.” That’s it. No need for an excuse. Just “I can’t.”

If you’re feeling ineffective or overwhelmed, ask for feedback and express your need  for acknowledgement of your efforts to your family, friends, or others. Really, it’s okay.

At work, it’s not a particularly good idea to say “no” or “I can’t”; instead, you may want to sit down with your boss and express your concerns about your work load or unreasonable expectations you feel from management. Talk to him about your symptoms of burnout – exhaustion, cynicism, and/or feeling ineffective and helpless. Ask for feedback on how you are doing at your job.

5. Don’t ‘should’ on yourself. Please don’t allow burnout to happen to you because of ‘shoulds.’ “I should be able to handle this.” “I shouldn’t feel this way.” Notice how you are feeling physically and emotionally, honor your feelings, and take action to cut burnout off at the pass.

Takeaway points: Burnout can happen just about anywhere in our lives. Become familiar with the symptoms of it and pay attention to your own experience of your body and mind so you can nip it in the bud.

What burns you out and how do you handle it?

Reference: Maslach, C., Schaufeli, W.B., & Leiter, M.P. (2001) Job Burnout. Annual Review of Psychology, 52, 397-422. http://bit.ly/uumO04

Feeling burnt out? I have practice therapy in Los Altos, Ca. and I’m glad to help you get your bounce back! Call me at 650-529-9059 or email me for an appointment or a free 30-minute consultation.

I don’t know how many times Cathy insisted, “It’s not about the Q, Andrea,” leaving silent the obvious message – “It’s about the process of getting to that Q.”  I told her I “got” the message, but it didn’t really sink in until now. I was still consumed with getting that coveted Q. (Q is short for Qualifying, which means you and your dog get a ribbon and a notch on your belt towards a title in a dog performance sport.) Now that I don’t have my mentor, trainer, rescue colleague and friend to brag to about scoring a Q, I finally GET IT. And I see it as the metaphor she intended it to be… a metaphor for life.

My partner, Andrea, wrote the passage above in tribute to our friend, Cathy, who passed away last week.

Ah, the constant quest to get this lesson and keep it in the forefront: Life is about the middle parts, not some result “out there.” We hear this all the time and send poems like The Dash to each other.

But how, exactly, do we do this? How do we keep it in the front of our minds to really live the middle parts?

I wish there was an easy answer to these questions.

After Cathy was diagnosed with non-smoker’s lung cancer a few months ago, Andrea and I sat with her and talked about death and life. Cathy, a retired ecology professor, had always taken a no-nonsense scientist’s approach to life. The data were what mattered. Now, with cancer riddled throughout her body, she had learned to meditate. And she never in her life felt more peaceful and more alive than when she meditated. She radiated serenity and contentment as she told us what she had learned – that she had spent too much time in her life worrying about the outcomes and not paying attention to living. That this time of her life when she was terminally ill was the best she had ever felt spiritually and emotionally.

“Cathy, how can we learn this lesson without having a life-threatening illness?” I asked her.

“You know, Bobbi,” she said, leaning back on her sofa, “I’ve thought about that and . . . I really don’t know. I wish I did.”

I don’t know, either. All I can say is we need to somehow remember. And to remind each other as often as possible that it’s not about the Q, it’s about what you’re doing to get there. It’s the middle parts.

Andrea closed her tribute by writing directly to Cathy:

Cathy, I know I wrote this too late for you to read with physical eyes, but I had to write it anyway. You gave me the gift of being able to see you at your house last week.  I’m so glad I got to tell you how much you’ve meant to me and hug and kiss you one last time. But what I didn’t tell you is that I understand about the Q. Damn it. I truly do.  What I understand is that YOU’VE Q’D IN LIFE. You’ve made a huge, first rate, first class, awesome and spectacular Qualifying run in this life. And I am so honored to have been a witness and participant. Rest in peace, my dear friend.

In loving memory of Catherine Toft, PhD.

Takeaway points: Somehow, we need to be aware of life at this moment – the dash, the middle parts, working toward the Q – not the Q itself. As so many sages have said: It’s about the journey, not the destination.

This is a toughie – trying to figure out how to live in each moment. What are your ideas?

Ruminate. From Latin ruminari, to chew the cud.

Ever find yourself going over a problem in your mind again and again and . . . again? Or talking out loud to your friend ad nauseum about some quandary, reviewing the myriad possible solutions until her eyes roll back in her head?

You, dear reader, are ruminating. Like a cow with its cud, you are chewing on something, swallowing it, bringing it back up to chew on it more, swallowing it, bringing it up to chew again . . .

Good for cows, not so good for us

If you’re a cow (a ruminant), ruminating is a good thing. Cud-chewing helps break down the food so the cow can digest it better through the compartments of its stomach.

Humans, though, are missing a vital component of this process when we mentally ruminate. We tend to add on to the problem rather than break it down for better digestion. So you might come up with multiple angles on the problem, a variety of different solutions, or even thoughts about how the whole predicament could spiral out of control and become a big catastrophe.

Is the problem solved? No. Even though you think you are solving the problem by chewing on it endlessly, studies show that ruminators actually have more difficulty solving problems than non-ruminators. Additionally, although ruminators are most likely to say they want social support for help with problem-solving, they are least likely to get it, because people don’t like to be around someone who is ruminating.

So, what to do if you have bovine tendencies and chew your cud a bit too much?

1. Become aware of your ruminating.

You might not even know you are chewing on issues incessantly. Take a minute right now to think about how you usually solve problems. Do you size up the situation succinctly, develop a number of valid solutions, then pick one and solve the issue? Or do you run it around in your mind so much that it keeps you up at night? Do you notice that others get impatient with you or sigh a lot when you’re talking about a problem? It’s possible you are a ruminator.

2. Develop effective problem-solving skills.

One of the problems ruminators have is that they either don’t possess good problem-solving skills in general or they get anxious that the selected solution won’t work. Develop a sound problem-solving strategy such as the one briefly mention in the point above, then take a risk and try just one of the solutions that you have come up with. If it doesn’t work, try another one. But don’t fret about which one to use until you freeze and don’t do anything other than going back to ruminating. The idea is to try to increase your confidence in your ability to problem-solve and to learn that choosing a solution that doesn’t work is not the end of the world.

3. Ask your friends to help.

Pick one or two close friends or family members and ask them to gently point out when you are ruminating. Remember, unlike our friend the cow, ruminating really doesn’t get you anywhere and it can make you feel much worse so it’s not a behavior you want to keep in your repertoire. If you’re having difficulty becoming confident with your problem-solving process, ask your friend to help you develop one that you are comfortable with.

4. Take a tiny risk and try letting go.

You’ve got a death grip on this problem and you’re not going to let go of it until it’s done. As Dr. Phil would say, “How’s that workin’ for ya?”

Ruminating is an attempt to over-control something and I know it’s really scary to let go of control. But just take a tiny risk and let go of it for a set period of time. Tell yourself you’re not going to think about it for an hour. Okay, fifteen minutes. When it pops into your head, take a big breath and let the thought go with the exhale. See how that feels. You might be a little anxious, but notice that the sky didn’t fall even though you weren’t mentally chewing on the problem.

Let’s leave cud-chewing to the cows.

Takeaway points: Ruminating is going over the same thing again and again in your mind to the point of your own distraction and everyone else’s. It’s an attempt to problem-solve by over-controlling that only adds to your misery. Instead, try to become aware of your own brand of cud-chewing and let go a little. Ask your friend or family member to help. You’ll both be glad you did!

Study cited: Murray Law, B. (2005). Probing the depression-rumination cycle, Monitor on Psychology, 36(10), 38. http://www.apa.org/monitor/nov05/cycle.html

Need some help learning to let go? I practice therapy in Los Altos, Ca., and am happy to help. Give me a call at 650-529-9059 or email me for a free 30-minute consultation or a therapy appointment.

You might notice there are only three quotes this month rather than the usual five. A couple of them are a little longer so I thought three would suffice.

While the second and third quotes are a bit lengthier than usual, I want you to take time to read and savor them because this month the theme is about that very thing – savoring life. It’s so easy to get caught up in the hoopla of the holiday season. My hope for you is that these thoughts will help you to bounce away from stress and toward more meaning and joy.

Dig in!

1. Richard Wagner

Joy is not in things; it is in us.

2. Alan Watts

No one imagines that a symphony is supposed to improve the quality as it goes along, or that the whole object of playing it is to reach the finale.  The point of music is discovered in every moment of playing and listening to it.

It is the same, I feel, with the greater part of our lives, and if we are unduly absorbed in improving them we may forget altogether to live them.

3. James Carroll

We spend most of our time and energy in a kind of horizontal thinking.  We move along the surface of things going from one quick base to another, often with a frenzy that wears us out.  We collect data, things, people, ideas, “profound experiences,” never penetrating any of them…

But there are other times.  These are times when we stop.  We sit still.  We lose ourselves in a pile of leaves or its memory.  We listen and breezes from a whole other world begin to whisper.  Then we begin our “going down.”

Takeaway points: We experience more of life and true joy when we become still for a moment and direct our attention within.

What do you think Carroll means by “going down?”

Need help finding meaning and joy within? I practice therapy in Los Altos, Ca. and am glad to guide you on your path of inner exploration. Give me a call at 650-529-9059 or email me for a free 30-minute consultation or therapy appointment.

Like this article? Please forward and/or click on the Facebook “like” button below!

Ah, Thanksgiving. Now we’re really into the holidays, aren’t we? Thanksgiving can be a warm and nurturing reunion of family and friends, replete with good food, gratitude, and love.

Or not.

Sometimes Thanksgiving can drum up anxiety, stress, depression, and a host of other emotions we would rather avoid. Here are just a few Thanksgiving scenarios and suggestions for bouncing back if your holiday is not-so-happy.

Being alone

Some folks really enjoy being alone and avoiding the hassle of holidays. If you are one of these people, take advantage of your free time!

If not, here are a few things to do and think about:

• Maybe it really is nice to be by yourself. If you have an extremely busy life, but have suddenly found yourself without plans for Thanksgiving, is it possible you might really like having a bit of down time alone? Take a personal holiday from your to-do list and get to that pile of books you’ve been meaning to read or learn more about that new hobby you want to take up.
• Get out. Go to your favorite restaurant or place where there are people and soak up the vibe.
• Give back. A good perspective-changer is helping those who never have a place to go during the holidays. Maybe you can volunteer at a food bank, church, or other organization that serve homeless people a fine holiday dinner.
• Gain perspective. Remember this is only one day out of the year and you never know what options will be available for you next year. And, tomorrow is a new and totally different day.

Difficult family situations

Have one of those families who always end up arguing at Thanksgiving? Or maybe Uncle Bob drinks too much every year and embarrasses everyone. Or there is the unspoken thought weighing down the day, “This is Thanksgiving and it’s the only time of the year we all get together. The food must be perfect, the décor has to be just so, and everyone WILL get along.” That kind of puts a damper on things, doesn’t it? Everyone walks on eggshells trying too hard to create the perfect day.

Some ideas:

• Focus on the positive. Look for the people in the room who are not adding to the stress. Interact with these people. Stay in the moment as you realize there is at least one person that you are enjoying.
• Stay away from game-playing. Just be yourself. If the hosts and others are buying into the “everything must be perfect” game, you don’t have to play. Crack a joke about the unspoken expectation of perfection to break the ice. You might get everyone else to follow along. And if drunk Uncle Bob starts his shenanigans aimed to push your buttons, pat him on the shoulder a few times, smile and walk off to get more pumpkin pie.
• Gain perspective. Remember, it’s only this one day. You’ll make it until tomorrow. Be on alert for your own thoughts of “This stuff happens every year; I hate it” and make the choice to find a positive to think about.
• Breathe. You know what I mean. Take a breath, let your shoulders drop from their stressed place around your ears, get some perspective.

No problems on Thanksgiving? Take extra care to enjoy!

Maybe you really do have the warm and nurturing Thanksgiving experiences. You can still apply a few of the ideas above to truly relish the day:

• Stay in the moment. This gathering doesn’t happen very often, so be sure to stay right there with the experience. Use your senses to be present: Hear the laughter of family and friends, smell the wonderful food coming from the kitchen, hug and touch your loved ones, savor the taste of the food on your tongue, and look – and really see – the people around you.
• Breathe. Breathe in: smell the delicious aromas wafting around you and take love into your heart. Breathe out: Give thanks for how blessed you are to be in this exceptional place.

Takeaway points: Thanksgiving can be wonderful or it can be a bit of a challenge. Gaining perspective, being mindfully aware, and taking action can all help you have a good holiday.

May your Thanksgiving be blessed in all ways.

Need some help with the holiday blues? I’m therapist in Los Altos, Ca. and am glad to help you bounce back from life’s challenges. Call me at 650-529-9059 or email me for an appointment or free 30-minute consultation.

In lieu of flowe­rs, meals­, care packa­ges, etc., pleas­e hug the peopl­e you love and do a random act of kindn­ess.

That’s what my friend Wendy wants. Her cancer has come back, you know. It had some pretty serious intent the first time around, three years ago, requiring a stem cell transplant. And now it’s back.

Wendy is one of those people that you want to be. A nurse, an early childhood advocate, a community organizer, a real mover-and-shaker. For her “vacations”, she and her husband traveled to third-world countries and built latrines for impoverished communities. She rushed to New Orleans after Katrina to help however she could.

And yes, as you might guess, with this kind of spirit, she is a loving and warm soul. She was the first to welcome my late partner, Ruth, and I into the neighborhood even though we lived in a very conservative town where many of the neighbors really didn’t want our “kind” living among them.

When I received the news that her cancer returned, I was pretty mad. My mind did all sorts of gyrations around “Why?” and “This isn’t fair!” and other thoughts that can’t be mentioned in a family-friendly blog.

And then I read her words about how we can best help: hugs and kindess. Not “stuff.” Not flowers and gifts and food. Not getting mad at the Universe. Leave it to Wendy to boil the important things in this life we live down to their essence: love.

After we sort through all the “stuff” in our lives, what’s left? Love. It’s the bedrock of our lives that we so easily forget as we rush about our days.

So, in this season of thanksgiving, I will honor my friend Wendy – and too many of my other friends with cancer – by hugging and holding tight those I love. And by practicing random acts of kindness,  even when no one’s looking.

Takeaway points: Maybe it sounds like an old saw, but love is it, folks. Love is it.

What about you? What’s it all about for you?

Leave your comments about who you hug and your random acts of kindness and I’ll be sure Wendy gets them.

Courage.

“Okay,” you might be thinking to yourself, “’Courage’ is a likely candidate for resiliency word of the day. Where’s the surprise?”

Yes, courage is very helpful whether bouncing back from a catastrophic event or facing one of life’s daily challenges. And the reason it’s helpful is because courage is about being brave and heroic. Right?

Well . . . maybe not so much. At least, that wasn’t the original definition of courage. First, let’s look at the fine print. Here’s the origin of the word from our old friend, the etymological dictionary:

c.1300, from O.Fr. corage (12c., Mod.Fr. courage) “heart, innermost feelings; temper,” from V.L. *coraticum (cf. It. coraggio, Sp. coraje), from L. cor “heart,” which remains a common metaphor for inner strength. In M.E., used broadly for “what is in one’s mind or thoughts.”

Hmmm. I don’t see “brave” or “heroic” anywhere in there. There are some other interesting ideas among all the acronyms in there, though. I think Dr. Brene Brown has the best description:

The root of the word courage is cor—the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage literally had a very different definition than it does today. Courage originally meant “To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.” Over time, this definition has actually changed, and today, courage is synonymous with being heroic or performing brave deeds.

Ah, courage is more about the heart than deeds, then. So what does this mean for us in our everyday resilient lives?

It means in order to have, as Dr. Brown would say, “ordinary courage”, we need to make sure we express our authentic selves. No hiding behind avoidance or aggression brought on by whispers of past shame. No blocking our true feelings by laughing off a painful remark or agreeing with something we know to be false.

We need ordinary courage because, when push comes to shove, we need to know and believe in the strength and gentleness of who we really are. This is the foundation from which our ability to bounce back grows.

To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart. This is the true meaning of courage.

Takeaway points: Courage isn’t always about being brave . . . it’s really about the heart. Being authentic by feeling and speaking the truth we know inside.

I know it’s sometimes hard for me to acknowledge and speak my truth. How about you?

I practice therapy in Los Altos, Ca., and I would be happy to help you find your own voice and truth. Give me a call at 650-529-9059 or email me for an appointment or a free 30-minute consultation.

Photo credit